Finding the Middle Road

I haven't been blogging as much, I've noticed. Part of the reason is that I realize that some issues that I want to blog about involve people who might read the blog, and it no longer feels like a safe space in that regard. But, another part of the reason is that my life has seemed to find this middle road, where there seems less of a need to blog. I have Jerry to talk to about the things that happen in my day to day. And I've got so much going on with school, that there's less time to be obsessing about my life or things with my family. Plus, with the way that they treat me, especially Dad lately, it puts me off getting sucked into their stuff, even if it does sometimes involve Mom.

Jerry borrowed my car and went out of town until tomorrow, so now I get to hibernate at home with my thesis and prepare for my defense on Thursday and clean up a little since I'm having friends over tomorrow for "lesbian movie night" and just catch up on everything since I was sick a lot of last week.

Emotionally, I'm struggling with two sets of issues - one revolving around a lack of self-esteem and self-love which makes me not trust others. I think that I attract people who also have these sorts of issues into my life, and that also when someone is there for me over time, I am often looking for the moment when they'll betray me and hurt me. This got reinforced recently with whatever with Kathy, my cousins, and my sister, but is especially a pattern because of the way things are with my father.

The second set of issues deals with when I do get hurt by those who I care about and/or love. It tends to feel like this big betrayal, and maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that part of loving someone is being hurt by them. Maybe this is the nature of human relationships. I know that from a Buddhist perspective, the problem is some how related to attachment. I know though that these two sets of issues are related - lack of self-esteem and the affect of being hurt by others.

Anyway, that's why I am kinda happy to have the day and night to myself.

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