JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Big Discussion with Jerry Last Night

Last night, I got dressed up for a party with some girlfriends for the last episode of this season's L Word. I was looking pretty fabulous in my leather boots and had an emotional day dealing with issues discussed in the last post. Anyway, so I stopped by to Jerry's place.

Jerry put in this movie something like the Adventures of Super Dave or something. It was total stupid guy humor, and it was clear that I wasn't interested. The last of Jerry's roommates left the house, and so I made a pass at Jerry.

Jerry told me that he was tired and hadn't showered. With a little encouragement, Jerry finally said that he just wanted to shower first. So he leaves me sitting on the couch for like 15-20 minutes waiting for him. And then, the whole thing is just so awkward. It is like his whole attitude is that he'll just lay there, and I can do what I want to him. Anyway, there's not exactly a happy ending, and we end up talking about what happened and what we can do to improve the situation. (Discussion of COURSE brought up by me; he was just going to lay there silently.)

Now, this might be a little TMI, so feel free to skip ahead here, but Jerry started giving me all of these criticisms/negative feedback and sort of blamed the whole thing on me: I need to be more lubricated. I should give him more oral sex and when I do, he mentioned things that he doesn't want me to do (not any comments of, yeah I like this or that). Anyway, I am laying there a bit hurt and overwhelmed, so I say: And how about some positive feedback?

Jerry says: What, you don't want me to tell you what I like?
Me: OF COURSE, I just would like some positive comments with the negative.

We talked about what we're looking for sexually, and just said that we're looking for different things. Jerry also admitted that he didn't understand my perspective on sexuality - and it was so late and I had already tried to explain it - so I guess I have to work on better iterating my thoughts on this. It was a very awkward discussion which basically made me worried that we were breaking up or something. But, I guess things are good with us and that sex just isn't a big part of a relationship for Jerry.

This is very hard for me because I prescribe to rape culture theory and to the notion that the prevelance of rape in our society is connected to mainstream heteronormative sexuality based on traditional gender roles. Catherine McKinnon said that all heterosexual sex is rape. I believe that she meant that all heterosexual sex is built on gender roles of aggressor/taker/penatrator male and passive female. I have been able to reclaim my sexuality as a survivor by believing that I'm able to break out of this sytem of rape culture sexuality. BUT Jerry's not interested in any of this or understands it all. I'm going to give it another try, but this could seriously be the thing that ends us.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Your explanation is thorough and explicit. I'm familiar with McKinnon's views and I'm not surprised that you're having trouble with Jerry in this respect. Truth is, I think, non-verbally, a lot of men would not only understand but agree with McKinnon's views, but would have no idea how to implement their desires in this respect and would give it up in favor of momentary sexual gratification, thus proving McKinnon's views, etc.

As well, I agree that, although it's generous of you to give Jerry chances and be detailed, supportive and encouraging in allowing him to meet your sexual posture, I don't know, it doesn't sound hopeful. You never know, of course.

I'm thinking that maybe if you approach it from the perspective of sensuality rather than sexuality, some of this may make sense to him, he might find it easier to connect with you and, as well, you both may discover that he's more sexual/sensual than either of you thinks. This is assuming, of course, that you haven't tried this tack.

Anyway, I want you to know, I really appreciate your forthrightness on this subject and your brave use of your personal experience. This is a huge issue for many (if not all) women. Whether or not we're familiar with rape culture theory we all know what it feels like to live in a rape culture; it's in our bones.

"What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?" What, indeed! Seems you're about to find out what it is to experience the splitting open of a part of your world, Karma. My fervent support is with you.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wow, thanks Gail. I am hopeful, even though I had a dream last night about this issue that wasn't so positive. I've had guys know this stuff implicitly, but never been able to really get them to theoretically understand it. This is why I think I enjoyed so much being with a woman. Anyway, I think it would be ridiculous for Jerry and I to not have a relationship because of this stuff. This post was SO personal - I did question writing it but as you hinted at, went back to my original purpose. Ah, wish me luck.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Shari said...

I admire your directness in approaching him about this topic. And as Gail said, on your blog. That's hard for me to do in that department. And you are staying true to the mission of your blog.

Good luck. It takes me a long time to discuss this stuff with my husband.

Jerry probably never was in a relationship with a woman as direct and persistent as you are. I really admire you for that.

You go, Girl.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 5:50:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Shari. These conversations do take a long time. I think they require a lot of patience.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 6:50:00 PM  

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