JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Cousins Cutting Me Out of Their Lives

Well, I still haven't heard from my cousins, who I emalied last week to check in. I had a long conversation with my sister, as we went over her meeting with the bank about Grandma's estate and the breakdown of things within our family. She told me that she had a big argument with my aunt yesterday, who hung up on her after my sister challenged her on some things.

My sister suggested that I just call my cousins instead of worrying so much about how things are. SO, I did. The wife, who has been my great friend for years, answered and sounded extremely awkward and then asked if she can talk this weekend because she has to put the kids to bed. Now, its only 7pm, and I know that the kids don't go to bed until 8pm. Clearly she's stalling because she doesn't want to talk to me. I just can't believe it.

It seems so retiscent of what happened with Kathy: all of a sudden, this close relationship is just completely gone without any conversation or explanation. They've meant so much to me, and I just don't understand what my cousins have against me all of a sudden. My sister thinks that he was just talking to us to get information for his mom (my aunt), but I have a hard time seeing him in such a negative light.

They've meant so much to me that several years ago, I tried to donate my kidney to my cousin. While that didn't work out (part of the family clash), I've always had it in the back of my mind to keep my health up so that I can be ready to donate my kidney to him at which point the cadaver kidney that he got a couple of years ago is rejected by his body. I have a great fear of surgery and even used to pass out when I got blood taken, but I care so much about them that I would do it for HIM. And they can't even do me the favor of telling me in some fashion - be it email, letter, or phone call - that they don't want to talk to me and why? My realtionship with them felt so important to because it was my only way of connecting with his side of the family, which feels like honoring my grandparents, who did so much to create these connections.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know money does strange things to people. No matter how much or how little it always causes hard feelings. I'm sorry for what you are going through, I wish I knew the right words to make you feel better about everything. But I don't. Just know that there are people that care about you.
That care of yourself.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 8:34:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Melanie. I'm so distrot over this. Focusing on the people who do care about me is a good idea. Its just so hard right now because I feel like I don't even know if I can trust anyone after my cousins, my aunt, Kathy, the involvement of my friends with all of it, past betrayal of my sister and my father.....I do have therapy though today, so I'm sure that'll give me perspective.

I do appreciate your support. I'm going to get to your MEME. I just didn't have the energy last night after finding out about this.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 8:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I start with a new therpist/Dr next week. I can hardly wait to explain my issues all over again. Oh well I need to get back on those meds again so through the hoops I must go.
I need to find a picture to add to my profile. Everyone has such neat pictures. Don't even suggest I use one of myself.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 11:36:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Good for you for getting the help when you need it, Melanie. And hey, I didn't put up a picture of me. I just looked around on the internet until I found something that I thought expressed something about me.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 2:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay I'll try the picture thing. I had thought about that but I wasn't sure if pictures were copyrighted. Thanks and you picked a good picture for yourself.

Friday, January 19, 2007 7:51:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks. I like the picture. I made a posting about the picture, explaining why I picked it and linking to the website where I found it.

Friday, January 19, 2007 9:06:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

It's late, even for I think I'll stop here and continue tomorrow morning, Karma. I have to agree with does awfully strange things to people. If you have a way to put this out of your life, do it. The last thing you need, right now, is to be whipped around by something like this.
It's very good to catch up with you, Karma. See you once I get some sleep! Don't worry about responding to the flood of comments you're getting from me...I know much of that on which I've been commenting is in your past.
Later, my dear...

Saturday, February 10, 2007 2:13:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Gail, I'll read all of your comments, of course because you always have thoughful things to say. Its good to see you back here on my blog. I hope that you had a good nights sleep.

I think now after some time has passed, I have been able to put this out of my life, although it was recently her birthday, and the reminder makes me sad that we're not talking. I think about calling them sometimes, and Kathy too, but I always stop myself because I know that I can't force someone to have a relationship with me.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:41:00 AM  

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