JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Feeling Emotional

Wow, am I feeling like I'm on some sort of emotional rollercoaster this weekend. Yesterday, Jerry dragged me to this beer festival that is right by where my cousins live. I had just found out this week that I'm hypoglycemic, and I'm still trying to tinker around with what I need to do to take care of the blood sugar issues. But, I think that cutting back on alcohol is certainly one of them. Anyway, I went anyway because Jerry made a big deal about it. I ended up having a huge blood sugar spike and felt horrible, especially on the way back when Jerry stopped (due to his friends') request for more beer halfway back.

Anyway, I don't know...he and I just haven't been communicating well it seems. I'm also just feeling way overly emotional and on edge, in part because I had an emotional day before that teaching about sexual violence and not getting the best responses. I think that when I feel insecure, I tend to look to Jerry to fill that void. When he doesn't, I get frustrated and angry, which isn't fair.

So you can see first the email I sent him this afternoon, and his reply.

Hey G,

So what's our story? I felt kinda disconnected yesterday when I was
trying to tell you how I felt, so I tried to be physical with you as a
way of reconnecting (because when we're physcial, it makes me feel
very close to you), and I felt like you rejected me, especially by
pointing out my unshaven legs, which you've made clear that you don't
like (and I know that legs are the part of a woman's body you are most
attracted to).

I don't know if this is all my own insecurities or maybe I'm
premenstral or something, but this weekend, I'm feeling like you don't
respect certain parts of me/find them "crazy". I feel this way when
you tease/make fun of me, in particular to other people. Here are
some things that I fear you don't like about me: whatever health/sleep
issues I have, the way that I spoil my dog, that I'm a feminist, my
legs....So when bo commented that you had been laughing about me
getting metamucil for my dog just after you seemed to be rejecting me
physically and I had just said something yesterday about making fun of
me to other people, I got a little sensitive.

So, I tried to tell you about it. I was kinda offended when your
brother called, you answered and talked to him, as if whatever I was
saying wasn't that important. (You could have finished our
conversation and called him back.) Then, when you kept commenting
about the Jews as Christ killers, I decided that I should just leave.

You said I should stay because you wanted to do something together
(maybe eat or garage sale), but I haven't heard from you since I left.
I don't know what to make of all of this, but I'd appreciate some
communication from you about the above and what our story is. I
really care about you, and I don't want things to be off between us.
- - -
Hey you,

Here are some things that I *do* like about you: whatever health/sleep
issues you have, the way that you spoil your dog, that you're a feminist....
also that you are smart and motivated and open minded and hold interesting
conversations with me; that we have shared values and temperaments;
that you tolerate all (most?) of my idiosyncrasies . . .

Also, I happen to think that you are one of the most level headed women
I have ever had the pleasure of getting close to. I really don't think you are
crazy at all. But I do think it is cute the way you pamper your dog, and worthy
of giving you shit about. Sorry if it hit a nerve.

I took the call from my brother because I figured he was calling about
purchasing a laptop, which I had recommended to him, and I felt
responsible for following up. He was at the office depot when he called and
he had some immediate questions.

I just got back from a hair cut and am contemplating the afternoon. Need to do
some chores around the house, and am thinking about zipping down to Ventura
for some shopping. We seem to go through this every weekend, whereby we have
vastly different interests but try to accommodate each other. I figured it might be easier
to just get a few things done by myself this morning. Of course you are welcome
to come to Ventura with me.

But I need to put some differential oil in my explorer too.

...And cook that tritip later

J

10 Comments:

Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

actually he sounds like a nice guy.
But what's up with the Jews as Christ killers? That would really scare me - too much history there for me.
anyway - just keep keeping on!

Sunday, May 27, 2007 9:41:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Joe, he is a nice guy! He just knows how to push my buttons...although yeah that does bother me.

I've missed your comments. Thanks for coming by. Where is everyone else? I see from the counter that people are reading, but there haven't been comments recently.

Sunday, May 27, 2007 9:46:00 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

I think he's nice too. And am impressed by the return email. I think the Christ-Killer thing is just a kneejerk, not unlike the Friday Fish incident.

- If you ever *do* go to Ventura, can you get me some more tops like the ones we bought? ;-)

Monday, May 28, 2007 3:35:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

His brother always refers to me as the Christ killer. Its actually a bit of a problem.

Remind me what the tops were like...you know there's always ordering online...can probably get better deals.

Monday, May 28, 2007 8:47:00 AM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Idiot brother! Maybe next time you have to encounter him, show up with a hammer and some nails and some wood. Maybe he'll shut up then?

Thursday, May 31, 2007 2:46:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

That is the funniest idea ever! I seriously might do that.

Thursday, May 31, 2007 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

My brother-in-law is hypoglycemic. He really has to watch out for many things, including natural sugars found in vegetables even (like peas) and starches that quickly convert to sugar (like corn). He says they're really starting to make some decent alcohol-free beers these days. Sending healthy vibes your way.

Friday, June 01, 2007 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Marj!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

He DOES sound nice (she says after having read the comments), which makes me wonder about the disconnect between how he sounds in an email and how he acts in person.
You are a highly perceptive person, Karma. Don't write off your perceptions. Looks like you're confronting Jerry's dichotomies!
LOVE the hammer/nails/wood thing! Great idea!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:59:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:15:00 AM  

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