JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Jerry and I Had a Fight, Visit From Z's Sister

Augh, I am so frustrated. Z's sister came to stay with me for a couple of days because she's thinking about moving to town. I've been sleeping over at Jerry's house. Last night, the second night that I slept over, I was just completely exhausted. I noticed that Jerry was falling asleep himself on the couch, and I suggested that we go to bed. Jerry said no and continued to pass out.

So, I just got up and got myself ready for bed. I came back and told Jerry that I'm going to sleep and he said, "I'm right behind you." But clearly he had no intention of getting up. So, I just tried to go to sleep on my own. The room was super cold, so finally I went back and woke Jerry up and asked him for a sweatshirt. I also got him a glass of water. He told me to just get the shirt myself and fell back asleep. I'm kinda annoyed at this point, but I get the shirt, get into bed, and then hear the rattle of his computer still being on. Realize that everytime I get into bed, I have to climb up on this bunk bed thing - he's got his office underneath his bed. So, I turn the computer off - - or try to - - the noise doesn't seem to stop. I just fall asleep on my own, which isn't so easy because I've got these frustrated feelings.

I am awoken at 5am when Jerry, who at some point got into bed, was annoyed by the sound of his computer. He starts turning on lights and asking me accusatively "did you turn off my computer?" He tells me that I shouldn't have done that. Finally, I half asleep go to the bathroom. When I come back, the lights are still on and he's still trying to talk to me (and in that same tone). I say, "I'll just go sleep on the couch. Is there a blanket there?" He says no there's not and that I'm being ridiculous and doesn't let me down the stairs of the bed. Augh! At least, he comes back up to bed.

In the morning, he's fussy with me again about the computer and did I do this and telling me that I have bad morning breath. He was just being mean. I started to get dressed and said that I was going home. Jerry: "Don't leave mad." So, I sat down and tried to talk with him, but he wouldn't lose his condescending tone. So, I got my stuff together more to leave. Jerry said: "I'm going to the bathroom." He didn't say goodbye or anything; it was like he just wanted a break before talking. But, he was in there for ages and then comes out and doesn't even acknowledge me.

Augh! When I got in the car, I see that from a road trip he had wanted to take I have no gas in my car, so I go to the ridiculously expensive gas station across the street (even though I had asked him last night to stop for gas). As I think about everything, I realize how much of the interaction has tapped into growing up with a dad who was verbally abusive.

So, when I get home, I email Jerry saying that I would like to talk things out with him but that I need "respecting each other" to be a ground rule. I explain why I am so sensitive about being criticised and condescending tones. I texted him to let him know that I sent him an email message. AND I HAVE NOT HEARD BACK.

Anyway, here's the thing about Z's sister. She is so much like Z! And it was so wonderful talking with her about issues of spirituality and the meaning of life and things that I don't often get to talk about. I miss Israel so much. She said that what happened with Z is probably just a man/woman thing - guys have one night stands and maybe it means something to them that night but then they forget about it. Augh!

I'm going to go work out and try and let go of some of this anger and frustration.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

I hope to find, as I continue to read, that your frustration level has eased a bit.
Don't know what to say about Jerry (yet). Doesn't sound like much fun, though.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

This relationship is SO much work! But, it has its ebbs and flows.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:17:00 AM  

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