JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

And the Drama Starts Again

Well, last week I seemed to find the middle road. This week, I've had lots of drama arise again. Everything with my thesis that could go wrong, has. Yesterday, the document became corrupted and just disappeared. Jerry helped me regain an older version, and I finally finished the thing. Jerry was my total hero - after trying to talk me through it on the phone and me ending up in tears. Plus, lots of bureaucracy making sure my margins were acurate and whatever.

I haven't been sleeping that well, and I certainly haven't been able to get off the sleep medication AT ALL. Last night, for example, didn't help. Jerry showed up around 9:45ish and wanted to do some work, so I tried to work also, even though it was past my normal cut working cut off. Then, I told him that I'd give him a backrub after he started falling asleep on the couch.

I don't want to give too many details I guess, but basically afterwards, I put on a cute nighty and got into bed next to him and as we moved towards each other, I put my hand under his shirt and he snapped "dude, warm those things up before you touch me." I was hurt, but waited for a minute for him to say something nicer, which didn't happen, so I got out of bed and got ready to sleep.

When I got into bed, Jerry didn't say anything, but pecked me a kiss goodnight. I said "if you're going to reject me [a common issue for us], the least you could do is be nice about it." Jerry said he didn't know what I was talking about. Me: You snapped at me. At least this afternoon when you rejected me, you were nice about it.

So we get into a long, deep conversation about our sex life and all of the problems were having in this area. It didn't seem to be going well, so I tried to check in by putting my head on his chest, and after no response, saying "are you mad at me or annoyed?" J: I'm annoyed that I came over here after being really tired because I had promised that I would....let's just cuddle and go to sleep." I felt put off because everything was unresolved, so I asked "well can you at least say something nice first?" Jerry: "What do you want me to say?"

God, the whole conversation was SO gendered. I fell asleep half crying. I wanted to go lay down stairs for awhile before going to sleep, but Jerry said that maybe he'd just go home. I felt like if he went home that would be an enormous rejection, so I just laid in bed feeling all uncomfortable.

Just when I had been feeling that things were great between us and like I could relax into the comfortability of the relationship, we still have this big issue around sex that we've had the whole time we've been dating and we've made no progress on it. I feel a little defeated. I don't know what to do from here. I texted him today asking if we could finish the conversation sometime when we're not so sleepy and he texted back just "yes." But we have no time scheduled. And of course both of us are crazy busy this week, but this not being a priority makes me feel like he doesn't see our relationship as a priority.

So, I'm feeling all around pretty crummy today - didn't sleep well last night, have almost zero way of connecting with Jerry on a sexual level, and my self-confidence is way low.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

...and, this is why one should always enjoy one's time The Middle Road...because it's soooo easy to get side tracked!
I'm thinking, maybe if you can peak over all the distractions and look for a glimpse of The Middle Road, the distractions, while still there and demanding, might not be quite so distracting.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 6:44:00 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

I hope you find a middle ground somewhere there. Hang in there!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 8:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Been there, done that.How i hated those stilted awkward "conversations"!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007 7:06:00 AM  

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