JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Visiting Friend, Reflecting Priorities

I'm visiting my friend who almost died last month in childbirth. I arrived last night (well around 1am) after spending most of the day flying. Jerry was nice enough to drive me to the airport and watch my dog. As a part of my over obsessive self, I couldn't help but be a little worried when he joked as he left me at the airport "I'm free!" I certainly don't want to be making someone feel that - although I think/hope that this was just Jerry's way of being funny.

It is strange being at my friend's place. First, I still have a lot of work to do - grading papers and reading - that I've brought with me. Secondly, I've never been to my friend's home before and haven't seen her for like a year, and all of a sudden I'm jumping into our old friendship and trying to help with her newborn and having to cook for myself here.....I'm feeling a little bored and disconnected right now. She's sleeping in her bedroom with the baby. I can't really concentrate anymore on my grading. Her husband, who I'm not very fond of, is returning to town in a couple of hours. And its overly apparent that she and I have made these VERY different life choices. She never really found herself workwise and is really traditional in a lot of her religious, gender, and political beliefs. And, I can't tell what she thinks about my choices.

I have a lot of friends like this - people that I'm very close with, or at least have been at one time or another in my life, but don't talk with or see on any regular basis; people that I'm very different from in some ways, but have felt very close to in other ways. A lot of things in my life now - and often - feel disconnected. I wrote about this in my thesis actually, how I feel disconnect between my American and Israeli selves. But its not just that. Its also a disconnect between my family self and my independent self, my feminist self and my dating Jerry self, my Jewish self and my Buddhist self. Sometimes, I can feel a unity, but often, I feel like I have these different parts of myself, and there isn't space in any one place in the world to connect with these parts.

But being here makes me feel like I really don't want to get pregnant. I don't necessarily want this experience that she's having. I would love to have children - to adopt. But, I don't want to have to give up everything in my life for it; I don't want to live in the suburbs and give up my career and not be surrounded by diversity and intellectualism. I'm also torn about these things because of my on going fear that what I want isn't possible (aka my father's nagging voice in my head). I go home on Wednesday by the way. And, oh yeah, I've also realized that I desperately need a proper vacation and SOON.

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7 Comments:

Blogger I Survive! said...

Karma,

I can relate to the dichotomy you are facing within yourself. It is indeed a very harsh place to be in. When I was in a similar place, I had found it helpful to examine it the dichotomy even more closely and simply acknowledge that the dichotomy exists. Being aware of this split, without questioning it was (and still is), very hard to do for me. But, being non-judgmental about it helped me face this dichotomy.

We all have multiple sides, some seemingly in sync while other seems starkly contrasting, even contradictory. Accepting them and letting them be what they are is the better option to fighting it. I did this even verbally spoken out loud sometimes. Perhaps it works for you too...

Sunday, May 13, 2007 6:56:00 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

We're all lots of halves. People who don't have many disjointed parts of their personalities are generally much less interesting.

And proper vacation sounds good... how about Eilat? Or do you want to meet in the middle in the UK?

Sunday, May 13, 2007 11:08:00 PM  
Blogger Shari said...

The two words Jerry said jokingly, "I'm free" made me think of the times when my parents went to a convention or a seminar or something and would be gone for a weekend. We'd say, "Party time!" and my parents would look at each other and laugh. I don't know if that rang in their ears, though.

You know, the grass is always greener no matter which side of the fence we are on.

I love my kids, but sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have them. Where would I be? I don't have all the answers. What happens, happens. I admire your ambitions. To me, you are a strong person. You have set a goal and you are reaching for it.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 7:23:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I can tell you, Karma, what connects all these seeming disconnections: You...your unique soul. They all exist "in the same space" because of, well, you. You are the connection. It's a slippery concept to "get", but I know you're on your way, I see you getting closer and closer to it all the time in your journals...and when you get there, well, I can't wait to "see the expression on your face", so to speak; it'll be dazzling!

Thursday, May 17, 2007 11:02:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

If only I had read all of your comments before that fight with Jerry. Well, I had but not taken it in. I think that the grass is always greener and that many people do have these sorts of dichotomies. I like being around others who do at least.

And vacation in Eilat sounds lovely!

Monday, May 21, 2007 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Okay, this is where I left off. I've been mostly off line for awhile...forgive me, Karma.
Anyway, I find it soooo interesting that thirty years from the beginning of second wave of feminism, you are living dichotomies that we haven't, yet, addressed as a species! I STILL live them, too. It's maddening!
I have to agree, though, people who don't have dichotomies, well, I believe their last names are usually "Bush"!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

At least there are virtual spaces to connect to all parts of myself. And please, forgive you Gail? Nothing to forgive!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:19:00 AM  

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