Oy, oy, oy: Still Hard to Work

I went to see my "pusher" today, aka my pscyhiatrist. She renewed my prescription for an anti-anxiety medication that I started taking after the shooting to help me sleep. I had intended to just be on it for a couple of weeks, but she thinks that I shouldn't even consider stopping or cutting back. It is a bit easier knowing that I have this to lean on, but at the same time, I worry about getting addicted to it.

And I just can't get much work done. I feel so much better when I don't push myself to work on my project. And even when I do push myself, I don't get much done. I am SO far behind with my master's thesis. My therapist thinks that I should take some time off - like 3 months to just let myself heal and get back on my feet. But, I can't get out of my commitment to be project manager of my advisor's research team. And, I need to get my thesis done. Should I just go to my advisor and ask for some time away from my thesis? Or should I take into consideration that I'm trying to present myself as a professional academic and try and be professional and just step up and somehow get this all done.

I also just feel closer and closer to my best friend, A. I'm still in love with him. I think he knows it, and I know that at least on some level he loves me too. I'm so tempted to try to BE with him, but with everything so crappy in both of our lives, I don't want to push it. Hopefully, we'll both get to better places in our lives, and then he'll finally tell me how he really feels.

I am very upset about the condition of my grandmother. More than the fact that I'm slowly losing her, I hate the way that she is going. I tried to talk to my aunt today and my cousin and my sister, but everyone blows me off. I think there needs to be a plan of where to stop attempting to prolong her life, especially when it means excruiating suffering on her part. I really hope that I never end up like she is now. If I ever do, you all have it here in writing. Oy oy oy!