JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Will I Die With Dignity?

Grandma's in the hospital. I went to visit my cousins who live up North, and they told me that she was admitted today for dehydration. Apparently, she isn't eating or drinking anymore. They put in an IV in the only vein they could find, which is in her neck AND then had to tie her down to the bed to keep her from ripping it out. Tomorrow, they will do a swallow test to see if a feeding tube is in order. Here's the thing though: she is late stage Alzheimer's. She is confused and agitated and not able to even go to the bathroom. So, why would my aunt (who has the power to make this decision) even consider prolonging her suffering? It makes me very angry. I feel so powerless. My grandmother was very dignified and sophisticated, and she would hate to see herself like this. She certainly wouldn't want it.

My grandmother is dying of Alzheimer's, and my mom is not so far behind. The possibility of following in their paths is terrifying, and I clearly have enough terror in my life! One of my greatest fears with this is that I'll end up alone and demented and without any dignity. I also fear having a family of my own, because I wouldn't want to put them through this.

Please pray/meditation for an end to the suffering of my grandmother and my mother. What a horrific, horrible disease Alzheimer's is!

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karma,
I also live in fear at times..is this going to happen to me?...will my kids have the same fate?..I surely dont know the answers to these questions and not sure i want to know. What i do know is that i dont ever want my family to suffer, nor do i want any feeding tubes or IV's to sustain my life in the end. Im so sorry that you are loosing your grandma as well as your Mom. I personally cant remember a time when i didnt need my Mother.
Peg

Monday, June 12, 2006 2:14:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

It is so scary. Your mom is really lucky to have you there for her. I somehow let go of the fear in order to focus on taking care of my mom (I can worry when this is over) but I know that the fear is there looming.

Half of people who live to be over 85 get Alzheimer's...and the numbers keep increasing as we live longer and longer. Very scary. And all hard things to come to terms with.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 1:40:00 PM  

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