Wow, Progress is Scary

So, thanks to the encouragement of friends like K, when I ran into an old co-worker who asked me about the recent tragedy, she suggested that I contact this social worker through our health insurance. I contacted him today, and he made an appointment for later that afternoon. It is hard going to ask a stranger for help, not to mention a stranger who is a man.

So, he gave the forms that I need to go to a new therapist and a list of people in our insurance plan. He said that he'll call me with referalls sometime next week. He'll also try to help me find a support group for people losing family members to Alzheimer's. And, he'll look into genetic testing for me to find out if I am likely to get Alzheimer's too. I hope he actually does this. Hmmm...

So, (why do I keep saying so) tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my therapist where I'll tell her that I'm definitely going to go find a new therapist and try to get some closure. I am very nervous. I bet she'll try to talk me into staying and turn whatever around as my own weaknesses (how very German of her!). We'll see. I am also nervous about having to find a new therapist - how do you find a new therapist? Do I wait for this guy to give me referrals and hope he has good ones? Do I try to do web searches on everyone on the list? It is a big leap of faith to take this step. I know I shouldn't ask what if, but what if I can't find someone good? What if the next therapist is worse than the last one? What if this really is just my own tranference shit and leaving my old therapist is a mistake?

I'm pretty overwhelmed by my fear. My friend K (thanks K!), who is a psychology grad student, recommends that I try to just talk myself into doing like 10 minutes of work, so that I break this cycle of just being overwhelmed by fear and not getting anything done. I want to try but feel myself making excuses as it gets later and later into the evening. Part of me wants to obsess about the whole therapist thing instead of trying to work. Hopefully, getting it out onto paper will create some space for me to do just a little work. Just 10 minutes. Oy, wish me luck!