Massage

I have been treating myself on Friday afternoons to a massage. My back gives me so many problems that first I go to the chiropractor, whose office is just across the street, and then this woman comes to my place and gives me a massage. She is a MFT student who gives me a discount. Today's session was really powerful. We identified that the pain in my back centers around the back of my heart. It is like this area in my back is trying to protect my heart, protect me against vulnerabilities, to be stiff so that the rest of the body can relax. I'm sure this isn't make sense, but as I tried to relax in that area, the rest of my body stiffened up. As I would relax the rest of my body, that area in my back behind my heart would stiffen up. It was frustrating to be receiving a massage but to have my body be fighting relaxing. I have this strong defense up, my body is in terror mode, and just doesn't feel safe. I could mentally picture that I'm safe and this is a relaxing experience, but my body refused to allow it - it fought these things. The therapist told me to "have a conversation with my heart." It sounded silly when she said it, but when I thought about it, I really felt it. The therapist told me to ask my heart how it is doing. When I did, I sensed it responded with an angry yell that it is broken and tired. I was getting this massage and crying a bit and just feeling how unsafe I feel deep down, how there is this battle going on inside of me between a part that wants desperately to heal and another part that doesn't feel safe healing because my heart will just be broken again as crappy things will inevitably continue happening. I'm going to just stay in tonight and put together this new day planner that I got - a Franklin Covey day planner that is also a purse, very cool. It was a treat to myself. Tonight, I will enjoy it, watch Queer as Folk from Netflix, and relax knowing that in a couple of hours, I will get an IM from my best friend asking me to pick up his drunk tuchus and we'll play with my dog and snuggle and I'll sleep fabulously well and he'll sleep like crap. BUT, tomorrow, we'll get breakfast. All the while, I'll get to feel safe and taken care of and connected/not alone. Shabbat shalom.

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