Big Decisions and a Headache

Yesterday, I met with my advisor, finally, who wanted an update of my progress with my MA. I had been blowing off meeting with her since the shooting because I didn't want to admit to her that I wasn't get work done. Well, yesterday, I finally had to admit it. I was worried about how she would respond and was prepared to try to talk up how much I would get done this quarter.

But, she was fabulous. She told me not to worry, that trying to push through getting work done isn't working and I shouldn't do it anymore. She told me that I don't have anything to prove to her, that she's already impressed with me as a sociologist, and the important thing is to get better. She said that I have a number of options of how to proceed, and that basically whatever I want is fine. She said that I'm on a good path and that this stuff is just details and to focus on the big picture.

I was embarrassed when I started crying a bit in her office. I could feel the tears welling up. I was so sure that she would say that I have to get my work done and to hurry and catch up. She was so supportive and just said all the right things, that I could feel the tears wanting to come out. I tried to keep them in, I mean, I want my advisor to see my as a professional, but they came out.

In the midst, my advisor's other research assistant and my ex twice knocked on the door and came into to try to talk with my advisor. What a scene the whole thing was! My advisor is a very busy woman, so she only had 45 minutes to meet with me, even with blowing off these other two people. Afterwards, I went to a networking meeting for graduate students interested in the study of race. There was free lunch and I had to be on campus, but I should have skipped it. I have too much on my mind. Then, I went to my office to give students from last quarter their papers back. Then, I had class.

Who do I end up sitting next to again but my ex. The class is about people finalizing a written project that they are working on. I didn't realize that we'll have to have something finished by the end of the quarter. Maybe I should drop the class, even though it seems like a good environment and it is a class that I should take. I don't know.

I went from there to work out. It was ridiculously crowded with undergrads, and there is a 20 minute time limit on the machines, which when it is crowded, I feel the need to follow this rule. Then, I ran home, showered, ate, and got to the local hospital where I was required to go for human relations training for the rape crisis center, where I theoretically volunteer, but am on a leave. I really didn't want to go there, burnt the hell out of my tounge to finish eating to get there in time, and had to take 1/2 a xanax to be able to sit through the 2 hour panel.

I felt so anxious and crappy when I got home that I had a glass of wine and ate until I was in a food coma. Then, I passed out on the couch at like 10pm. I slept like hell last night, having been sleeping already on the couch, didn't bother going through my normal routine and having worn the hell out of my body. Now, I have a migrane coming on and my stomach is super upset. I have an appointment in 40 minutes with this new therapist.

I feel like I have all of these really big, important decisions to make, and they're really overwhelming me. Should I commit to this new therapist today or follow recommendations of others instead of the person who seemed interesting to me online? What should I say to my advisor? What should I do with myself this quarter?