JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

First Day of School

Today was the first day that I've had a class to go to (that I'm taking) since December or maybe even November. Even though it is a class that I've sort of been looking forward to taking, I dreaded going. Graduate classes can be pretty intense, and this one is somewhat focused around discussing research that we're working on OR in my case, research that I have hardly done anything with for the last couple of months. It looks like I'm going to be one of the last people in my cohort already to get my MA IF I manage to catch up on my schedule. I'm meeting with my advisor tomorrow, which I'm pretty nervous about. What am I supposed to tell her? Will she look down on me for having personal problems? I don't want to let her down.

I had a hard time sitting through my class today. I just felt anxious and noticed myself figeting, which is especially bad with this professor because she is always a little insecurely watching all of her students' reactions. A classmate, who was my good friend before blew me off the night of the shooting, who was very close with our classmate who died last week, was also in the class. He was really not looking good, and the professor even pointed it out, asking him if he wanted to leave. He looked like he was having pot withdrawl symptoms, and it was sad to watch. I told him that I'll take him out for sushi because I'm worried about him, but honestly he doesn't seem like someone who is going to be a real friend.

A couple of my classmates were talking me into taking the class, and one walked me off campus to pick up the reader for the class. It took us a good 15-20 minutes to walk there IN THE RAIN. Then we waited for 10 minutes or so in line IN THE RAIN. Then, when it was my turn, the cashier told me that they won't have the reader ready until THURSDAY. I so don't want to take this class. I know that it would be good for me professionally if I can do it BUT I just don't know if I'm up for it. I don't want to have to talk about my research that much, especially with that many people when one of them is my archnemesis.

Yeah, I bet you didn't think I would have one of those but I do. She is in my cohort, and we used to be friendly. But then, two summers ago, she convinced me to go with her to Vegas and stay with her friend. It was a nightmare. The place was full of high school boys who were drinking and smoking pot. The place hadn't been cleaned in at least a year. I didn't feel safe sleeping there. There weren't even sheets to sleep on.

And then, one night we went out with some of her friends to a bar. I think that someone slipped something in my drink. All I know is that one minute I was fine; the next, I woke up many hours later on a couch back at her friend's house with some wierd shirt on, and I threw up for like 12 hours straight. She ended up leaving me there alone, without my purse, without my car, and telling the only other person in town that I knew that I was fine and not to try to see me. Anyway, I hate that bitch.

And so, she is in this class where I'm supposed to be opening myself up in some sort of vulnerable way PLUS it isn't like the rest of the grad students in my department aren't pretty judgmental and gossipy, so I just don't want to be there.

BUT on the other hand, the topic really interests me, and the class is an opportunity to get some real work done on my research and get feedback from the chair of the department - who openly said that she could get our stuff published that we write for the class.

I hate that I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My old therapist is out of town and I don't even know if I want to see her anymore. My friend in the department just got back into town and isn't feeling well. I am still playing phone tag with new therapists just trying to figure out who I'll go to. So, I am kind of on my own to figure this out. Oy.

The highlight of my day though was walking into the Women's Center on campus where I'm giving a talk later this quarter on my research (on the States, not the stuff on Israel). Well, they all looked at me when I came in like I was some famous person. And the director of the center was there and showed me that in her hands she had a flier with a big ass picture of me. She showed it to me for approval. It was very strange. I backed away slowly until I was outside and nameless once more. (Well, although walking off campus, I was in an area with a lot of undergrads and saw several of my ex-students. There is something really re-affirming knowing that I've had some sort of influence on so many young people.)

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