I'm Fucking Up
I just got a call from my advisor telling me that I made a really big mistake sending out this enormous email. I feel horrible. I think I'll have to tell them tomorrow that someone has to pick stuff up for me next week. I really can't work right now. Maybe I should take a leave of absence from school and move back to Kansas City. I just feel so overwhelmed, and I can't believe that I have to wake up tomorrow and go face my mistake with all of these people on the conference call, call this doctor my Dad's going to take my mom to and try to manipulate my mom actually getting medication, and then finalize stuff to go to KC.
My dad's best friend called me earlier today and said that I shouldn't be so hard on my dad because there's something really physical wrong with him. She insinuated that he thinks he's going to die and has been dropping hints about this to her. She also said that she thinks it will be super hard on my mom this transition, and agreed that it sounds like my dad is just giving up on her but that she'll call him and try to talk to him. I feel like everything is in my lap. I'm somehow trying to orchestrate my parents being tortured less.
posted by Karma @ 7:55 PM
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2 Comments:
Oh dear, so much tumultuous times right before you leave. Maybe you can purchase a magazine or bring a fun book to read on the plane? I was just thinking something to take your mind off of things, I assume you are probably too keyed up to sleep on the flight (I hardly ever sleep on planes either). I admit, things are going to be different when you see your father in person, and I'm sure you'll handle seeing him accordingly. Listen, I know it's hard to believe it, but obviously your father is coping with things the best way he knows how. He may soften up after the move/transition, and visit your mom more, you never know. He's trying to set limits and determine how he's going to feel because he's probably scared to live in the house by himself in (gosh how many years)? Just because he may not reveal how he is feeling does not mean he isn't in some real pain as all these changes become a reality. I too was wondering about the medication issue, is it against his beliefs or something? Anyways, you hang in there, you are NOT f*cking up in any which way, you are trying to juggle so many things at once -- I don't see you moving to KC but a small sabatical to process and not have so many things at once hanging over you would be great if you can manage one. Remember seriously if you need someone to listen I am a phone call away, esp. while you are out in KC. My heart really goes out to you at this difficult time. S.
I have a book I'm taking with me for this book club that I'm supposedly starting...although haven't gotten very far in the book yet.
I understand that this is hard for my dad. In fact, I think that he physically might not be doing well because of all of the stress. But, it doesn't give him the right to take it out on Mom. It is one thing to say that he can't be there all the time and quite another to not give any consideration or value to helping her adjust. Of course, my dad doesn't have good coping skills; he's been taking stuff out on my mom, my sister, and I for years. It was one thing when my mom chose to be with him, but its quite another now that she's so far along with Alzheimer's.
His anti-modern medicine views have grown over time as he's seen the people he's done care-taking for have negative side effects. You heard him a couple of years ago make comments about nutrionists like your mom; he's just anti.
Thanks for thinking of me, S. I'm getting a migrane now, but I went over to the chiropractor and am going later to the acupunturist. It makes it easier to take care of myself knowing that people like you are out there wishing me well.
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