JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Anxiety: My Father's Voice in My Head

I had to meet with my research team today, and it went well, but I am starting to feel the anxiety when I'm around them too - although much less. There's something about working on trying to make the world a better place that actually makes me feel better, especially when I'm not having to confront all of the crap in the world.

Afterwards, I went to the department office and saw lots of peers. It made me feel anxious, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I saw one woman that I used to be friendly with, and I just couldn't even speak to her (granted there's a big story there, but still).

I am having a hard time thinking about plans for the day. This morning, I started feeling anxious trying to figure out a schedule. Would I come back to walk the dog? Should I bring clothes to work out? These shouldn't be big questions, but they make me anxious. There's a talk at school on sexism and war that looks really good, but should I go? Will that make me more anxious or will I be able to enjoy it?

I think that part of the underlaying reason for feeling anxious is the verbal abuse that I endured for years from my father. I think my unconscious hears his disapproving voice and all of the things that could go wrong. I can tell you the possible negative outcomes of even the smallest move. I don't want my brain to work like this anymore.

I have taken big, brave risks in my life in attempt to steer clear of my family and their conservativism. But, really bad things have happened when I've made these risks and gone against my father. When I went to a college he didn't approve of, I got sick. When I moved to Israel, I was raped. When I bought my own place, my neighbor was murdered by the woman I bought the place from. Each time, my father warned me that bad things would happen if I didn't listen to him, and they did. Now, of course, I can see that this doesn't mean that he is right. BUT some part of me deep down has lost my faith to go against my father and make my own choices.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there, my friend. I agree completely that verbal abuse can stay in one's head for years. I also know that you are very strong :-) We should talk soon (if you want) about the verbal abuse...I don't know if I ever told you how much mine has haunted me. You are a wonderful woman, I know that even though getting better isn't linear, it will (is happening?) happen. Love you! --K

Thursday, April 13, 2006 5:01:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you! I love you too. It is happening, I think. But, it definitely isn't linear. More like a roller coaster. But over time, the lows are lower and the highs higher or something.

Thursday, April 13, 2006 8:36:00 PM  

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