Angels in America

I told my best friend how my sister told me that she thinks that we both are likely to get Alzheimer's and better do whatever we can to try to prevent it. He responded by explaining how his grandfather (that I didn't know) also had Alzheimer's, so he (my best friend) and I can grow old together, forgetting each other. It was just a quick comment to make me not be sad, but it hit at something really deep for me.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll end up dying alone, tortured by dementia and suffering. Tonight, I watched the first half of Angels in America. One of the characters has to do just this. Another character, a Jewish queer, runs away from this character, runs away from death. I felt like I was identifying with both characters. By not living in my hometown, am I trying to run away from death? I don't have to see my mom or my grandmother. I am not there as their minds slowly break down. But, this lonely process of death seems to loom over me. It waits for me. I sit in my home, and I'm slowly dying too.

I really need to let go of all of this and figure out again what it will mean to live. One of the characters from the film has a mental break and escapes into a world that she creates. I feel like maybe I'm struggling with something similar. I think that my therapist had almost encouraged this by criticising the steps that I'm taking outside the world and trying to give me advice (that really didn't fit me). But, I can't get stuck in blaming her. I have to find my way off of her (metaphorical) couch and my couch. I have to find a way back on my feet.

I went to yoga today for one of the first times in a really long time (with the exception of a free class two weeks ago), and it felt really good, but it was also really hard. When I would really relax into a pose, I could feel something deep within me shake. I still have this terror shaking deep inside of me. I found myself trying to cover it up a bit because of embarassment of what others in the class would think. This wasn't the usual, well I've pushed myself too hard sort of shake. I noticed it most in this pose called frog pose, where you sort of stick your tuchus up in the air and bend over. There is something very sexual and vulnerable about it. It just made me shake in terror. This terror, I think, is the core of my PTSD. I feel it slowly leave sometimes when I get a massage or really relax, in these sort of electrical currents that go out of my legs.

I am feeling very overwhelmed, but also very hopeful. I think that Alex may end up spending his life with me. We may end up happy. I may be able to do some really amazing work. My home may be just what I need. I may end up with good relationships with my family. I have some wonderful friends. I can somehow get through this (even though just writing this statemetn is difficult).