JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Maybe I Should Try Taking an Anti-Depressant?

Well, I have be so super depressed these last few weeks with moving my mom into a home and seeing how rough my dad is having it. So, I'm having a hard time working and am sad all the time, daily break into tears, my digestion is all messed up, my appetite is reduced, and I sleep very restlessly (lots o' tossing and turning). I am meeting tomorrow morning with the school psychiatrist and am thinking about asking to be put on an anti-depressant, even though I tried this once before (after I was raped) and had horrible side effects, nothing positive came of taking them. But, I am so clearly depressed now.

I am having thoughts about how much I don't want to have to go through what my mom and grandma are going through. If, god-forbid, I get Alzheimer's; I would want to kill myself before I let the plaque eat away my brain. I want this clear to any reader out there who knows who I am and might be around in that sort of situation, so that if god-willing, there is legal euthenasia, that it will be clear what I want in case I already don't have the mental capacity to do it myself. I know this is a creepy thought, but I can't help it.

On a nicer note, *A* stopped by tonight, and cheered me up for a little while. Especially seeing Alzheimer's work, it is so reasurring to have someone who knows me so well for so long. I am so appreciate right now of all of my old friends - Sanchi, K, H. And, I really hate Alzheimer's. Of all the heimers, it is clearly the worst :P


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi K-
For starters, let me appologise for not replying to your question. Haven't had much computer time lately, doing a lot of pr for the Museum. But anyways, I've been thinking A LOT about giving you advice about what you should do. Part of me really feels like I have no right to give you advice - thinking about being in your shoes the decision must be mind boggling.

Originally I was thinking if you could sublet your condo for the summer and go home (just for a small bit), that you could have the time you need to cope with this. But leaving your mom behind after 2-3 months of closeness wouldn't be any easier I don't think.

I just can't imagine you letting go of your goals to stay in SBarb for good. You've come too far. And with as much as you love your mother, what do you think she'd want for your life? I think she'd want you to finish your degree and move up and on to an even better life than she had. I mean, isn't that what all our parents want?

A lot can happen in a year, as you already know. I am worried about your emotional state, and you already have so much healing to do, regardless if you move home. Frequent visits might be the way to go, but then again obviously if you move to KC there are other ways to finish your degree. MY ONLY real concern is that you don't move back to KC and make caretaking for your mom your soul task in life. You have to have some other outlets, you want/need to work towards your academic goals as well. Perhaps knowing your mom is in your backyard and that you don't have to keep schlepping back and forth 1.5 hrs to the airport may help you figure out how to have continuity in your family dealings and academic dealings.

I know my opinion doesn't really count for much, but I just want you to know I sincerely support whatever decision you make. I think about you often and it always seems like it's too early/too late to call!! I can't wait till you reach your decision, I think you will start getting *some* sleep after you decide.

I was also wondering, what role is J taking in all of this? I know she's got the kids and R now, but if the two of you worked together, you could alternate visits and keep the whole yr/holidays covered....

Thursday, May 18, 2006 11:07:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

You have nothing to apologize for, S. *A* has to move out of his place anyway, so he could stay here. I know what you mean about leaving my mom won't be easy. Part of me hopes that when I'm ready to leave, it'll just magically be the time that she'll be so out of it that she won't really notice. But, I realize that this is unrealistic.

My mom in many ways couldn't relate to my dreams. She supported me in them, but I think she wanted me to be close to her and to have a family like she did. Right now, I know that she wants me there. That's part of what's so hard. My parents and I have always wanted such different things.

I agree that if I go back, I'll have to force myself to put time into my work. Anyway, I have several commitments - an article and a presentation that I have to follow through with...and there's always my thesis to write.

My sister is in the process of moving back to KC. Her house is on the market, and they're looking for a new place. But, I don't know how long it will take for her to get there and how much time she'll be able to put into helping out. The ideal will be the three of us (me, dad, sis) sharing responsibility for taking care of mom....I still don't know what I'm doing though. I'm leaning towards going. I'm going to talk with my advisor tomorrow (finally) and then I have a meeting with my research team (job). I'm still not sure exactly what I'll say to them.

Thursday, May 18, 2006 5:59:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Also, I got a prescription today for Welbrutin.

Thursday, May 18, 2006 6:00:00 PM  

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