JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Are You Going To Make It?

As I was leaving my mom's room tonight, the son of another resident looked at me and said: "You're looking pretty tired; are you going to make it?" I said yes, and I will; I know that this will pass too. But, I just don't want my mom to have to go through this. I don't want my grandmother to be suffering like she is. I don't want my sister or I or my neice or nephew to get Alzheimer's too. I don't want to be one of the only people that my father talks to. He keeps openning up to me about how my Mom saw a psychologist in junior high after her sister threw parties when their parents were out of town and would blame the mess on my mom until mom got fed up and ran away from home.

I don't want to be here going through this alone. Thank god that my sister and fam will arrive on Thursday. I know that seeing my neice's face will raise my spirits. But I wish that I wasn't going to have to keep traveling on my own. It really helped the night that *K* came out to dinner with Dad and me and drove me to Mom's facility. I don't know how I'll get any work done frome here, and I know I should take it easy, but I was supposed to launch a pilot of the research team's survey and communicate with team members across the country.

I'm just exhausted. I rarely have an appetite. My stomach is super upset in the morning. I'm not getting enough sleep. I break out crying whenever I have a moment alone and sometimes get teary in public. I feel like I'm still in shock. I can't believe that this is happening.

Strangely, considering what I was writing last week, my dad and I are bonding. He's really hurting, and he seems to really trust me and open up to me. Even though for years, he's refused to eat at more than a handful of restaurants (of course ordering the same thing every time), tonight he offered to go to Chinese restaurant (hasn't been in years!) and even tried a new soup (I haven't seen him try something new in probably 10 years!). He keeps telling me stories about him and my mom, and it just breaks my heart. It is like he's trying to prove that they had a good marriage; I can tell he feels guilty and is worried about people will see him, that maybe he'll be seen as not really loving her because he put her in this home, but clearly he does. Okay, I'm really about to start crying so I better leave the coffee shop.


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