JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Said Goodbye To Grandma

I just came from saying goodbye to my Grandmother. I really didn't want to go. I went and bought her a dozen roses and sat outside her home for a little while crying. I just didn't want to see her as bad as she is. I finally went in and broke one of the roses. But no matter, I followed the directions of my aunt to get to her room. I thought I saw her sitting watching tv. I recognized the back of her head. But when I got close and looked at her face, it just didn't look like her. "Grandma D***?" I said. She didn't respond. "That can't be her," I thought, so I went to the nurses desk and asked where she was. The nurse pointed at that woman I had been looking at, "that's her." Me: "I didn't even recognize her."

Now granted, I saw her just six months ago or so. There was no expression on her face, and her face just looked different. She still had her nails painted and her hair dyed, of course. She didn't seem to recognize me. I brought her back to her room (she's in a wheelchair now because she doesn't remember and is too weak to walk). A nurse came over and said that she has to get her ready. (My aunt told me last night that she's been having problems with them giving her proper care.) They took like 15 minutes, and I stood out in the hallway by a window crying. When I came in, I said "Does she have her hearing aides in?" The nurse looked at me and said no that she hasn't seen hearing aides for her. "She's basically deaf without them and I would like to say some things to her." I found the hearing aides next to her bed with her name and "hearing aides" written in big letters.

Anyway, she liked the flowers that I brought. And she told me "can we get everybody together?" which is a very Grandma thing to say. She would always ask to get the family together. That is what is so heartbreaking - Grandma is in there. I don't think that she really recognized me, although she did point to my neice. Maybe she thought I was my sister. So, I guess there was a little recognizition. I told her several times "Hi Grandma D****. This is (Karma), your granddaughter. I couldn't stand to be there that long. I told her that I love her and that I understand if she has to go away, that I won't be mad, but I will miss and I'll think of her often.

I took her back to the tv and kissed her and told her that I love her. She asked me not to leave, but I had to, as soon as I left, I just started sobbing. Right now, I'm across the street in the public library, still a bit teary.


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