JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Feeling Young, Inexperienced, and Insecure

It was a good night; I enjoyed it; I really did. But, I am the only graduate student amongst tenured or tenure track faculty members, many of whom are in the top of their fields. And, I haven't wanted to talk about my mom and what I'm doing in KC. So, I'm stuck talking about my MA which I'm otherwise very unconnected to and not really working on right now and I just feel kinda out of place.

My advisor and the other team member today were getting on each others' nerves, and I got caught a little strangely in between, and now I'm sitting in my room at 9pm feeling a little lonely and trapped because some of the other symposium members are downstairs at this bar, I guess, schmoozing, and I just don't feel like it but there is nothing else around here.

I feel like I'm at such this crossroads - Will I become a great academic? Will I be there for my family? Will I have a family of my own? My advisor too, this great feminist scholar, makes some comment about how another woman here got re-married and how she can't find someone to marry again with. I said, well I haven't even been married once. She said: Well, it'll happen. I said: Wait, do you even believe in marriage? She gives me this spiel basically saying yes and that it worked for her parents, and I say mine too, but what the hell, it only worked in this patriarchial way, which she and I supposedly challenge, right?

And I haven't heard from Z. And *A* doesn't want a relationship "yet". So, tonight I'm just feeling a little unaccomplished and unsure of who I am and what I've accomplished.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Peg said...

Karma...
If you ever need an ear to listen and some helpful advice, just remember my door is always open. Maybe we can help each other out of this madness.
TC girl!!
Peg

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Peg! I appreciate that. I am back in my room for the only hour break in the day today between 8:30am-8pm and seeing your comment made me smile.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 2:20:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

The ironic thing looking back on this message is that tonight, when
I just let go of my insecurities for a bit and was myself, I got people really excited about my research. Two people asked me when I'll be on the job market, hinting that they'd like to hire me :)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 6:41:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Karma,
Got another piece of advice that may help you (then again...):
When you are restless and feeling overwhelmed by your own desires and goals, pretend that your life is already set up ahead of you and that you are simply walking into it, learning it and dealing with it as it is revealed before you. Don't second guess what might happen.
Figure it this way: Although I think we certainly have a great deal of usually unrecognized (by us) say in the creation of our lives, unsettling, out of control times are also good times to just observe and react in the moment rather than trying to create out of materials that aren't, at the moment, at hand. In any event, this strategy also allows you to notice the materials that are at hand and consider how they might be useful to you and what you perceive to be the direction in which you wish your life to go.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:37:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I very much like that advice, Gail.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 3:03:00 PM  

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