Feeling Young, Inexperienced, and Insecure

It was a good night; I enjoyed it; I really did. But, I am the only graduate student amongst tenured or tenure track faculty members, many of whom are in the top of their fields. And, I haven't wanted to talk about my mom and what I'm doing in KC. So, I'm stuck talking about my MA which I'm otherwise very unconnected to and not really working on right now and I just feel kinda out of place.

My advisor and the other team member today were getting on each others' nerves, and I got caught a little strangely in between, and now I'm sitting in my room at 9pm feeling a little lonely and trapped because some of the other symposium members are downstairs at this bar, I guess, schmoozing, and I just don't feel like it but there is nothing else around here.

I feel like I'm at such this crossroads - Will I become a great academic? Will I be there for my family? Will I have a family of my own? My advisor too, this great feminist scholar, makes some comment about how another woman here got re-married and how she can't find someone to marry again with. I said, well I haven't even been married once. She said: Well, it'll happen. I said: Wait, do you even believe in marriage? She gives me this spiel basically saying yes and that it worked for her parents, and I say mine too, but what the hell, it only worked in this patriarchial way, which she and I supposedly challenge, right?

And I haven't heard from Z. And *A* doesn't want a relationship "yet". So, tonight I'm just feeling a little unaccomplished and unsure of who I am and what I've accomplished.