JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Men: A Big Disappointment

Well, I wrote to Z three times over the last three weeks, and I only heard from him kinda blowing me off I guess that one time. I am so disappointed. It was stupid of me to get lost in that beautiful night, to get so ungrounded when even though I've known him for 13 years, I guess I don't really know him and we live in different places and he never expressed any interest in a relationship. I just got really thrown by his passion that came out of left field. And, part of me just wants something really good in my life that is separate from all of this really bad stuff that I'm dealing with.

I know that I need to learn to let relationships develop slowly over time instead of jumping ahead 100 steps. And then I've got whatever with my best friend, who is clearly not interested in a relationship with me, well or I guess unclearly not interested. And I know him really well over a really long period of time. And don't get me wrong, my relationship with A is wonderful. I just wish that I could have a partner in life, so that even as I go through this really rough patch, I could count on something really beautiful, that I could ground myself in knowing that no matter what, at the end of the day I'll have that person there to take care of me and for me to take care of. As I write this, I realize that I sort of have this to a degree with some very close friends, but it just isn't the same. Maybe I just learn to better appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what's missing.

2 Comments:

Blogger Gail Rae said...

Karma,
Maybe, too, what you consider your ineptness in relationships is actually a strategy you've designed subconsciously to keep you from marrying your father. In which case, it's a very good strategy. Your father, obviously, isn't designed to handle the "partner in a relationship" mode and what you need, as you say, is a partner.
Celebrate your difficulty in relationships as a successful strategy. Since you can't keep your father out of your head, be assured that your head will keep your father from reappearing in your heart in the disguise of a lover.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:22:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

This is very true Gail. Although, the scary thing is that my best friend, *A*, who now lives in my home and who is probably the love of my life and who growing up (we were high school sweethearts) I thought was so completely different from my dad, well he's just like my dad. Although, in the nicer ways, at least. But otherwise, yes, that's what I do, just as you describe.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 3:00:00 PM  

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