JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

A Bad Woody Allen Movie

My life is like a bad Woody Allen movie. I can't find the title to my car, so I can't sell it or trade it in to get a new car. So, I'm probably stuck with my car until I can get a new title reishued, which won't be until I'm in KC. And, I can't get a car in KC without big hassles with registering it and possible serious complications when I bring the car back to this state.

*A* is being super nice, but there is all of this awkward sexual tension. Carly stopped by to drop off half a rye bread that she picked up at a Jewish deli out of town, but I don't feel like I can talk to her about any of this, or even hang out with her, because she can't relate at all and doesn't seem like she even wants to talk about it.

I think that my parents are dying. Both of them. At the same time. Well, I know that my mom is dying and is expected to not make it past 2007. If dad has lung cancer, I don't even know how long these things take, but I read that it can be as fast as 2-4 months after diagnosis. I may have to take on caretaking for my mother. I won't have the heart to take my dog back home if my dad is really dying. So, I don't know if I should be driving or flying. I don't know if my friend will drive out with me or not (and I can't get ahold of her). I feel like I don't know anything and like I can't get anything done. I've tried this week to get a new car and bed, and its like I'm completely helpless/powerless. I feel completely powerless.

*A* just went to a pool party with friends of his from work. He didn't even invite me, not that I would want to go. He suggested that I go out too, but I don't feel like being around anyone. I don't feel like doing anything. I have had plans and phone calls from some people, but what am I supposed to say or do with these people. I thought about going out on a date, but I blew him off because as much fun as it sounded a couple of days ago to hang out with someone I don't know and be able to talk about stuff other than my family and my disconnection from my school work, I just don't have the energy to go meet someone new. I don't feel like schmoozing with friends from school who just talk about school and it just makes me feel more alienated.

My neighbor(the one who was murdered 6 months ago)'s boyfriend came by today to give me a picture of her. He's finally moving stuff out of her place. The poor crazy bastard. My other neighbor invited me over for a glass of wine with her yesterday, which I really enjoyed and appreciated. I could come over in my sweats and not have to put on airs or pretend anything. And she has a dog. I miss my dog.

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself tonight. Part of me is tempted to go workout and get some endorphins going. Part of me is tempted to just start drinking and sit on the couch all night. Part of me is tempted to try to organize things around the house and get something done. Part of me is tempted to go out and sit at a bar, so at least I'm not home alone and at least I'm not sitting here pathetically when *A* gets home. This is all just too much. I just need bad things to stop happening. I need to not have to say goodbye to more than two loved ones at a time. Mom and Grandma, that's it; that's all I can handle. That's already too much.


Blogger Gail Rae said...

Regarding "good things" and "bad things":
Some years ago in an episode of Northern Exposure I heard a story that clearly delineated the importance of remembering that events are neither good nor bad in and of themselves. I can't remember any detail but, essentially:
A a man's life continues within his community, as a series of events happens in his life, with each event the community declares it either a "good" or "bad" event. Strangely, despite what the community decides, events continue to spiral which throw each already judged event in exactly the opposite light. The upshot is that at one point the man's son is injured (a "bad event") and, as a result, is unable to participate (a "good event"( in a war with another community in which many of the young men of that community are killed.
The point is, of course, that you just never know...thus, instead of deciding "good" or "bad", well, take it as it comes and decide, later...if necessary...sometimes, though, it's not necessary to decide "good" or "bad"; just to decide what you can and can't do and/or take.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 1:34:00 PM  

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