JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Figuring it All Out

I think that maybe I should take the advice that I gave my sister - that I should just write everything out. So's here's the situation. I need to figure out how to not get lost in despair and grief. I need to let myself grieve, but not get lost in it.

I need to keep things as flexible as possible, and like Deb suggested, to take things one step at a time. I need to prepare somewhat for the steps ahead, but stay focused on today - what's happening today, what I need to get done today.

Part of me is tempted to just get really drunk tonight, but I feel like I don't have the privilege of getting really drunk. I have a lot of enormous tasks and decisions ahead of me. I need to stay focused.

Right now, I need to focus on keeping organized, getting as much done as possible, getting a good draft of this paper I'm supposed to read at a conference next month, meeting with my advisor about the paper if possible, and figuring out how to get my tuchus back to Kansas City as soon as possible after I get the crown put on. I need to take as good care of myself as I can - working out, doing the stress eraser, eating well, sleeping well, whatever I can do.

I can't get lost in anguish and grief, like I have been the last couple of days. For the rest of the night, I'm going to clean up a bit around the house, shower (I just worked out), do the stress eraser, and then put in a movie. I'm not going to get dependent upon *A* to cheer me up. I'm not going to just sit around in shock. I'm not going to be so stressed out that I can't get anything done. I have to step back a bit.



Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Hi Karma--It sounds like you're doing things in the right order. First take care of the tasks that you are able to act upon, and maybe complete, like the paper. But don't be too hard on yourself--you've got to let the steam off somehow. So whether you work out or watch movies or even have yourself a couple of glasses of wine--be good to yourself. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders. I get the impression just from reading your blog that you are not someone who is going to get lost in your grief--you seem way too aware of the world around you to disappear like that. You'll do what needs to be done, but be kind to yourself while you're doing it.

Sunday, July 09, 2006 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I appreciate that, Deb. The problem is that I have been pretty lost in my grief the last couple of days, and I feel like I'm only able to get stuff done when I grasp on to denial.

You're right though that I'm being too hard on myself. I need time to just deal with this. Still, I have all of these things that I've committed to doing - a presentation next month, my job, etc. and I'm having a hard time keeping up.

Part of me kinda wants to just lose myself in the grief for awhile; it seems honest. I want to be able to just confront it all and deal with. But, I've got to balance all of these things (taking care of myself, taking care of my parents, getting work done).

Monday, July 10, 2006 9:13:00 AM  

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