JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I've Come a Long Way

I met with my research team this morning, then my therapist, then a workout, then lunch with *A*. I realized that I really have come a long way. Six months ago, I was barely functioning, I was so overcome with PTSD. And now, I have this whole new perspective on things. Don't get me wrong, it is still a very hard time. But, I feel like I've most past the surviving phase, and I'm slowly but surely learning how to live again.

Here's my healthy new perspective/my intention: I want to be able to enjoy the blessings of the here and now and not get lost in my/my family suffering. I want to work on being connected to others (instead of losing my focus on how unconnected we are). I want to progress with my work and my research. I want to be clear about boundaries with *A*. I don't want to overanalyze everything or put myself under so much pressure to do things perfectly.

Of course, there are always bumps in the road: Tonight at dinner (my friend took me to my favorite sushi place for my birthday), there was a super super crazy woman who went and stood right next to my car. She had tin foil on her head; a very (untreated) schizophrenic looking woman. And since my neighbor was murdered by a schizophrenic last January, this freaked me out. THEN when I drove home, a white truck drove by really fast just like the murder drove.

But, I feel comforted that *A* is (attemptedly, but I think not helped by my loud typing) sleeping upstairs. And, I went to a coffee shop after dinner and worked on my thesis for an hour. Plus, and I know this is trite, but it is so comforting to have navigation in my car; at the end of the day, I say "home" and the car gives me instructions to go home. Of course, I know the way here; it is just comforting.

Side note: my sister is so appauling. She is blowing my father off completely it seems for Yom Kippur when she and I made a deal that I would take him for Rosh Hashana if she would for Yom Kippur. So, now he'll be totally alone. AND, she had the chutzpah to ask Dad again to take Mom's car, especially when she knows that I need this to take care of Mom in December. AND, she calls me up all upset like because the nurse I hired couldn't make it to Mom's tonight. For some reason, even though my sis agreed to take Mom Friday and Saturdays only, now all of sudden she shows up. (My brother-in-law gave me some spiel before I left town that I'm supposed to move back to KC.) Anyway, oyoyoyoyoy. Dad said to me on the phone: I've never depended on your sister, and I don't think that I ever will.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Peg Lee said...

Im happy for you Karma. I feel your light glowing through your words. Since my sister moved back with Mom & Dad a few months back, and takes care of Mom full time, the stress has lifted from my shoulders. But i feel guilty daily that im not doing enough to help out with mom...its almost like i have let go of her in my own way. strange. My Dad has almost totally quit depending on me. I was getting tired though..i need this break for me, my kids and husband. I know that your day is kinda hinting to you that you are needed by him. Its ruff to compromise your life for someone elses life, 24/7. I still see Mom daily, but its stress free time.
Tc,
Peg

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 10:13:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks so much Peg. I'm glad that you're able to have a break. I think that for me, it is really necessary to allow me to actually enjoy my time with my mom instead of having it be a burden. I feel like my taking a break in that way is in some ways for her too. We shouldn't feel guilty, as hard as it is. You do what you can.

Thursday, September 28, 2006 12:27:00 PM  

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