JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Saying Goodbye, Going Away

I had tried to plan another visit for Mom with her Mom today, but I couldn't get my sister or anyone else to help me. So, I went to Grandma's finally by myself and brought my dog. Grandma was sleeping, but the nurse said that maybe I should wake her since they need to wake her soon anyway.

She was facing the wall though, so even though I woke her, I couldn't really talk to her. And, then when I got them to move her, there wasn't room to put the dog on the bed. I tried but Grandma certainly didn't appreciate the dog on her, even though the dog gave her kisses on her hand. Grandma was just muttering and moaning.

Then, I called the Alzheimer's Association to ask a few questions. I asked how long Grandma would go on like this, and the guy on the hotline said that since hospice has been ordered, probably she'll die within 6 months, but it could go much quicker, it is hard to say. Then, he said something like my mom could live for another 10 years if she were on medication, which broke my heard. I wish he wouldn't have said. He seemed to be a volunteer though, and his mom has Alzheimer's too, so I appreciate his generocity of time.

When I told Mom again that I have to go back home tomorrow, she said "to study right?" I was proud that she remembers this about me. She seemed very calm about the whole thing. When I tucked her into bed though, I told her that I wouldn't see her for a little while because I'm flying out tomorrow, I could see that her eyes were a little red, like she was holding back tears. I told her that there would be someone there to tuck her in tomorrow night though.

I cried all the way home, driving horribly, but here I am trying to not cry in front of my dad even though I'm tempted to just yell at him for not keeping Mom at least on the chinese moss, not to mention at least try some of the medications she's been prescribed, and maybe think about something she could take to help with her anxiety level. But, I'm going to get myself together and finish packing and drag my sorry tuchus and my dog's onto the plane tomorrow to go home.

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