Need To Ask For What I Need

What a whirlwind. I am back home now after throwing all of my stuff together and flying my sedated dog with me. *A* came to pick us up at the airport, and we took the scenic way home which took twice as long, but was a beautiful drive along the coast. But, I ended up eating chile rellenos for lunch, which I love but are full of cheese which both really upsets my stomach and can trigger a migraine. And then, I ate dinner really late when I wasn't hungry, but *A* was, and I don't know why I subconsciously try to be so easy to get along with and erase my own needs instead of acknowledging to myself and to others what my needs are and then trying to be compromising.

I feel like crap this morning. I slept badly having skipped my night time routine because *A* was already ready to go to bed and again I just erased my own needs. And my digestive system is all out of whack. And there are crises at work. And, I'm just disoriented altogether. I know that I had planned to hit the ground running and try to get a draft of my thesis out, but I think I may have to re-prioritize again and put some serious time into taking care of myself again.

I did the same thing also last week with my friend, Kathy. When I thought she was blowing me off, instead of just saying it and that I wanted to see her, I tried to pretend like there wasn't an issue and erased my needs. In the end, I got angry when she was waiting for me to call her to tell her where to meet.

I think that I do this because I just assume that my needs aren't going to get met. So, when I care about something, I try not to need it too much because I try to prepare to lose it. I get lost in my attachment to people, to feelings, etc. instead of being able to enjoy them in the present moment. The Jewish part of me that just gets neurotic about this stuff needs to be balanced out with the Buddhist parts of me that practice finding happiness in the present moment.