JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Need To Ask For What I Need

What a whirlwind. I am back home now after throwing all of my stuff together and flying my sedated dog with me. *A* came to pick us up at the airport, and we took the scenic way home which took twice as long, but was a beautiful drive along the coast. But, I ended up eating chile rellenos for lunch, which I love but are full of cheese which both really upsets my stomach and can trigger a migraine. And then, I ate dinner really late when I wasn't hungry, but *A* was, and I don't know why I subconsciously try to be so easy to get along with and erase my own needs instead of acknowledging to myself and to others what my needs are and then trying to be compromising.

I feel like crap this morning. I slept badly having skipped my night time routine because *A* was already ready to go to bed and again I just erased my own needs. And my digestive system is all out of whack. And there are crises at work. And, I'm just disoriented altogether. I know that I had planned to hit the ground running and try to get a draft of my thesis out, but I think I may have to re-prioritize again and put some serious time into taking care of myself again.

I did the same thing also last week with my friend, Kathy. When I thought she was blowing me off, instead of just saying it and that I wanted to see her, I tried to pretend like there wasn't an issue and erased my needs. In the end, I got angry when she was waiting for me to call her to tell her where to meet.

I think that I do this because I just assume that my needs aren't going to get met. So, when I care about something, I try not to need it too much because I try to prepare to lose it. I get lost in my attachment to people, to feelings, etc. instead of being able to enjoy them in the present moment. The Jewish part of me that just gets neurotic about this stuff needs to be balanced out with the Buddhist parts of me that practice finding happiness in the present moment.

7 Comments:

Blogger Sanchi said...

First of all, welcome back! Some warm Cali sun will hopefully do you some good, I hear it's getting fallish and nippy in KC. Glad to hear your doggie is back with you and made the trip safely.

I just had to comment, I REALLY sincerely sympathize with this post. I am infamous for erasing my needs (by the way I love that word choice, it describes it so well). Anyways, literally for years I had done that very thing, with certain friends, sometimes my mother, and in the worst case scenario with my (then) mate.

It is a huge accomplishment to recognize what you are doing, to yourself. Reclaiming your needs can sometimes appear selfish to others, and that is a hard thing to disregard but a good friend will recognize your efforts to change (eventually). Defining/verbalizing needs and expectations are not something that one can immediately change. But, in time I'm sure you will figure out how to be less angry with yourself, and be more fulfilled in the moment. I've found the less detailed my expectations are, the more open I am to experiencing the unexpected in the company of people I enjoy. I don't know how long A is planning on residing with you, and while he may not immediately recognize your schedule, this is a transition week for you both and if he can respect it AFTER you verbally inform him of what you need, he really does care about your well being.

PS: I'm assuming that scenic drive is perhaps similar to the one I partook upon once in SB. I find looking at water a way to let go of the tension I carry due to unmet expectations, and to think about the renewing qualities that time and space can bring through the rhythms of life echoed through the ocean. (i know it sounds hokey, but there is a reason my aquarian water-sign was so attracted to those sorts of surroundings).

Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:54:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks so much Sanchi. I think maybe this is what happened with our friendship too - that both of us erased our own needs and it ate away at our friendship. I don't know. I think that both of us were raised to believe that it wasn't legitimate to have needs and we certainly didn't get what we needed from our families....anyway enough pscyhologizing, but I'm curious what you think about this.

*A* is only going to stay here for this week. He rented a studio starting October 1. It is so hard to talk to him about what I want. I'm really struggling with it.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006 5:47:00 PM  
Blogger Sanchi said...

It's funny, it's like you were reading my mind. I too thought the same thing about our friendship, I've always viewed everything that happened as a damn shame. I think my parents taught both my brother and I some of their 'erasing' qualities. Perhaps it's part of being from India, I'm not quite sure - I'm still percolating on that.

On a semi-related note: Regretfully, after only 2 years of marriage, my brother is getting a divorce. We are all mortified. And my heart has been breaking, he is my younger brother of course. And my mother, finally admits there is more to life than how much money one can make or one can loose. This conclusion she's finally reached is something I've been yelling at her for years. She is actually giving validity to one's emotional well-being. My family dynamic has been changing for the better, and all I can do is look towards the future, and continue to try to kindly tell them what I need while being sensitive to their needs.

Hey, I admit, I'm excited to hear that A is getting his own place. I think it'll be best if you both have your own space -- also I don't want him to start relying on you to take care of him (assuming he's still doing that recreational drinking thing).

Your car sounds awesome. I so need navigation here, half the time I completely forget how to go to some basic places, I need a car with a brain!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 7:53:00 AM  
Blogger Sanchi said...

It's funny, it's like you were reading my mind. I too thought the same thing about our friendship, I've always viewed everything that happened as a damn shame. I think my parents taught both my brother and I some of their 'erasing' qualities. Perhaps it's part of being from India, I'm not quite sure - I'm still percolating on that.

On a semi-related note: Regretfully, after only 2 years of marriage, my brother is getting a divorce. We are all mortified. And my heart has been breaking, he is my younger brother of course. And my mother, finally admits there is more to life than how much money one can make or one can loose. This conclusion she's finally reached is something I've been yelling at her for years. She is actually giving validity to one's emotional well-being. My family dynamic has been changing for the better, and all I can do is look towards the future, and continue to try to kindly tell them what I need while being sensitive to their needs.

Hey, I admit, I'm excited to hear that A is getting his own place. I think it'll be best if you both have your own space -- also I don't want him to start relying on you to take care of him (assuming he's still doing that recreational drinking thing).

Your car sounds awesome. I so need navigation here, half the time I completely forget how to go to some basic places, I need a car with a brain!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 7:54:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Sanchi, it is a damn shame. I would like to work on rebuilding our friendship. Will you be in KC in December by chance? It would be great to see you.

I'm so sorry about your brother's divorce, but am glad that things are getting better with your family dynamics. I think that they are for me as well, with my dad, not with my sister.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 8:06:00 AM  
Blogger Sanchi said...

As luck may have it, I will be in town in December (no solid dates set yet). But I will be sure to let you know those dates - must shop for good airfare! It is important to me that we reconnect, plus I'd really love for you to meet my husband! :) Will keep you updated. It really warms my heart a bit to know that your relationship with your father is strengthening. I have been wondering for quite some time -- how is his health??

Friday, September 29, 2006 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Ah read today's post....my dad can be such a jerk, I wish that I didn't have to be connecting to him. Anyway, his health has improved a lot thanks to me and my little dog. He's supposed to get blood work done again in a couple of months just to make sure, but it looks like he doesn't have cancer.

I'll be in KC Dec. 11 until January, so it'll be great to see you and finally meet your hubby.

Friday, September 29, 2006 10:30:00 AM  

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