JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The Conversation

So, 3 hours after I called him and he was too busy to talk, *A* and I just got off the phone after having talked things out. Here's what happened: We had played phone tag a bit, although he didn't seem to be making an effort to get in touch with me. When we did get ahold of each other, he didn't have much to say.

Me: Did you get my email?

A: Yes.

Me: So?

A: Look we're not in a relationship. We haven't been in a relationship for 10 years. I'm not opening up old wounds, so if you're not over it, it is your problem.

Me: (Hurt) Okay, but where is this coming from? I thought we were talking about our friendship.

A: Well you said something about it in your email.

Me: Where?

A: I don't know....

I pushed him to talk to me in a less attacking and more sensitive way, but he said some hurtful things. He said something about feeling like we shouldn't have to talk about anything because we're not in a relationship. I said (and Kathy, you'll love this): Kathy is my friend, and when issues arise, we just talk about it with each other, we work things out, and then we move past it. (I brought up the example of mine and Kathy's friendship another time as well.)

Me: Look, I don't know what we should do. Maybe we shouldn't be best friends, just be regular friends. Maybe I don't need to take things between us so seriously.

A: You take everything too seriously.

Somehow, we got to a point in the conversation where he said why don't you work at taking our friendship less seriously and I'll work on taking it less seriously. And, we're having dinner tonight. He asked what I'm doing tomorrow for dinner, and I told him that I'm leading this study group. He's watching a Chief's game while I go to the symphony.

So, I brought up tonight and he said: I don't have plans.
Me: I don't have plans either.
A: Well, we could DINNER (as if to say, I won't hang out with you later in the evening, but I coudl stand to sit with you for an hour. I sware he said it in this way and I'm not just reading too much into it. I could almost guarantee that he's hoping that his other friends end up doing something.).

And now, I don't know how to sit through dinner with him and pretend like everything's great and like this didn't happen and not feeling like an idiot about his "we haven't been in a relationship for 10 years what's your problem" comment.

Let me really just get into it here. Here's what happened 10 years ago: I made Aliya (moved to Israel) and was raped the first night that I was there. I responded it to badly and went into denial and had a serious of bad relationships in a very typical survivor pattern. But, *A* was still my best friend at the time (and until I left the country was my boyfriend), and so I told him about everything except that I was raped. *A* was really hurt by my behavior and that I wasn't considerate of him at the time.

Later, I realized what had happened and wanted to make things better between us. I have been asking for a second chance for like 5 years or so. And I've been begging *A* for forgiveness. I felt for awhile that the rape ate away at our relationship and that the rape and my mistakes were really the cause for why we're not together. I don't want that on my head. For awhile, I thought the only way to let go of it was to get his forgiveness and a second chance and to get the influence of the rape out of my life. Now, I realize that I can't count on *A* to let go; I have to let go. But, now you understand why all of this is just SO SO loaded for me.

To some degree, I've moved passed it and forgiven myself. But, when he said "we haven't been together for 10 years..." it just really hit that scar. Yes, we haven't been together since I made Aliya and was raped and handled it badly. To some degree, both *A* and I (I think) are very much wounded by that happening. And, he never gave us the opportunity to heal together, and because of that, to some degree, I may never fully heal from this. But, I promise to try (to heal, that is, I give up on ever getting back together with A or on ever really getting his forgiveness).

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