JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Unconditional Love and Schmucks

It has really been hitting me recently that when my mom and grandmother die, there won't be anyone in the world who unconditionally loves me on a deep level. Now, I have a couple of friends who love me and some family who in their own way love me. And I am grateful for this. But, I'm talking about have your back no matter what, will take care of you when you get sick, no matter what you say or do will be supporting you and wishing you well, no question that they'll be in your life 5 years from now. With the rest of my family, their love is quite conditional, and they've honestly made this clear.

I had been comforted knowing that I have this long and deep friendship with *A* who had said before that we're family. But, he has been completely blowing me off since he moved out. And when I point this out or when I asked for help when I wasn't feeling well a couple of days ago, he is completely aloof. I feel so abandoned by him and disappointed.

Another weekend and I'm not sure if I even have anything to do with myself other than work. Well, I do have a date tonight, a blind date at that. And, my book club is meeting is Sunday, and tomorrow I may go to a lecture on Karma (seriously, not me, but Karma Karma). But, *A* doesn't have time for me, and the next person who I thought I was closest with doesn't have time for me. They just say to me - well I have other plans, without inviting me along or finding a different time.

Plus, on top of this, my job stuff is out of control. Turns out that I misunderstood a big part of the project and now I have to work double time to try to fix it, and everyone is mad at me. I'm trying to take the blame and just get help fixing it, but honestly, some of this is really not my fault: our tech person completely misrepresented things to me, and I have been pushing them for months now to put stuff into stone, and now that it is way too late and everything's a mess, now they're finally working some of this out. Still, somehow, I'm supposed to make all of these different people with opposing needs happy. I am so tempted to quit.

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