JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Signs of Serious Depression

I think that I may have fallen into a serious clinical depression. Well, after my neighbor was murdered, I fell back into a bought of PTSD. And then, after my grandmother fell into the end stages of Alzheimers and dad told me that Mom had declined really abruptly and steeply and that he wanted to put her in a home, the PTSD was overshadowed by depression.

I see both a psychologist for therapy and a pschiatrist to get medication. I had just gotten off all medications that I had been taking for PTSD in early January, but quickly went back on something (Restoril) to help me sleep after the murder. And then, after the depression hit with all of the horrible news of the decline of Mom and Grandma, I've been taking a low dose of an anti-depressant.

And that really helped. But lately (and especially since I've been back home), I really have this anxiety and depression going on all the time. It is exhasterbated by the fact that I have a very poor social network here. And I know that going out and staying connected to people is really vital, but I'm at the point where the anxiety and depression are limiting my ability to do this. I know it doesn't help that most of my friends here can't be bothered with me BUT in the end, I have to pull myself out of this and take responsibility for myself.

I'm thinking about adjusting my medication, but there are so many bad side effects to these sorts of things that I'm a bit afraid of it. I worry that maybe the anti-depressant that I'm on is not working so well anymore and might even be making things worse. (I take Wellbrutrin which can cause anxiety.)

I also have been looking into support groups and classes around town that might connect with people. I try making plans with others. But, I just feel so incredibly stuck right now.

I called my therapist yesterday, and she thinks that now that I'm away from my family, all of the things that I've been not dealing with in my life in order to be able to focus on my mom, well they're all now surfacing and wanting attention.

But, I just need to focus right now on getting my thesis out because I'm so far behind and by December, I need to be able to focus again on Mom. Today, I need to completely wipe my laptop's hard drive and start over again, it is causing me so many problems (and no, I don't exactly know what I'm doing there). *A* had made plans to have breakfast with me, but that isn't going to happen because he's going to play disk golf. Carly's ignoring me altogether. I do have plans to go out tonight, but it is later than when I'd like to go (10pm on Sunday), and I honestly just don't feel like it.

All of this shows me that I really need to get some help. I've got signs of serious depression.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Gail Rae said...

In all this, Karma, please do not forget, "The darkest hour is just before the dawn."

Sunday, October 08, 2006 5:10:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. Actually, now that 5pm hit and the anti-depressant is wearing off, I actually feel a LOT better. I think I need to get off of this medication.

Sunday, October 08, 2006 6:12:00 PM  

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