JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The Waiting Game

So, here's the scoop: Last night, I got that oh so lovely email from *A* that he clearly sent after work before going to the bar. It came an hour before my date. It really hurt me, and I somewhat stupidly immediately emailed him back. As if I thought that he was really engaging with me in conversation in this email, when he easily could have called me instead of emailing me OR could have made plans to talk to me face to face.

I wish that I would have saved the email that I wrote to him to show you, but you probably get the idea the kinds of things that I said. I tried to explain where I'm coming from. I, of course, was crying hwen I read his email and wrote back. And then, I picked myself up and went on my date.

My date was very sweet, but very much a nerd. Not the sexy dorky type nerdiness, but a seriously all out nerd. I'm glad that I went and might even call him again to go out (if he doesn't call me), but I didn't feel chemistry between us. I hate dating. This is probably the kind of guy that I should go for - he's nice, he's smart, he's stable, he'd treat me well. And I gave it a good shot at first, but after a while I felt like I just wanted to go home. (Well, it lasted 3 hours.)

And then while I had planned originally to go to a lecture today with a Buddhist mediation group, so when I asked *A* before if he wanted to do something this weekend, and he suggested lunch on Saturday, we didn't make plans. BUT he never bothered to email me back, and I thought maybe better to talk in person, so I called him. He was brief and aloow when he told me that he was making breakfast and that he'd call me back. THAT WAS ONE HOUR AGO!

I just feel really hurt right now...and the kinda shock that one feels after being smacked across the face without warning. I REALLY need to go sit at a coffee shop and work on my thesis. I just feel really disappointed that I have NO one to do anything with tonight, that I don't have anyone to go with me to the symphony tomorrow with these free tickets that my neighbor gave me. It makes me feel lonely...although especially grateful for my blog supporters. Mostly, I think that I'm afraid of what's going to happen with *A*.

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