What I Want in a Partner

I think that this is an Imago exercise. In order to move forward and to choose someone who doesn't fit into my usual pattern, I think that it will be useful to identify the core things that I'm looking for in a life partner. So here goes.

1. Someone who treats me well.
2. Someone who values communication.
3. Someone intelligent, sensitive, and caring.
4. A mensch.
5. Someone who gets me.
6. Someone honest, trust-worthy, loyal, responsible, and open to a long term relationship.
7. Someone who values love and relationships.
8. Someone who will allow me to be my own person.
   

The following are things that I want, but I don't need.

1. A feminist
2. A Jew
3. An Israeli
4. Someone spiritual
5. Someone funny who makes me laugh
6. An activist
7. Someone with whom I can exchange massages at the end of the week
8. Someone who will get along with my family and friends
9. Someone creative and passionate
   

Here are things that are deal breakers:

1. Someone controlling
2. Verbal or emotional abuse
3. Someone looking to dominate me and/or put me into a role of what they think a woman should be instead of creating a partnership based on who we are.

If any of my readers are single, then I challenge you to create your own list. The interesting thing for me about this list is realizing that of my core list, none of my past relationships actually fit what appears to be a pretty simple list (the first one). I think that I get caught up in the things that I want (but don't need) in a partner. I also realize that many of the things on my first list are very broad categories and that no one is sensitive about everything, all the time.

I Pick Partners Who Don't Treat Me Right

Last night, I hung out (separately) with my old and dear friend Paul and his family and then with my friend Merissa. Apparently, Merissa told me that she and Paul had a conversation recently about me. They decided that the people I date don't treat me right. Paul said that he thinks that *A* never treated me right (and he was there from when we first started dating when I was 15!).

There was something very epiphany-ish about hearing it though so broadly from people who know me so well. I do fall for people who treat me poorly. There is one exception that I can think of off hand, this rabbinic student that I dated in Israel who treated me VERY well. But I broke it off with him because I didn't have the same kind of feelings for him that he had for me. I think its a sign.

It is interesting also because it is a way in which I am like my mom. She taught me to love those who hurt me and to ignore those who don't. I tend not to see myself as like my mom -- I think of my sister as taking after Mom, and I have moved past these issues of my parents. But apparently, I'm like Mom too. And there are a lot of ways I want to be like my mother; this isn't one of them.

Imago theory, which I've discussed previously, would say that I need to work on this issue myself before partnering OR find a partner who tends to treat the one they love not well BUT is interested in working past that. I'm going to start with working on me. I think that this is going to mean starting with friendships and make sure that I make friendships with people who are good to me and then appreciate those friendships. It means not being co-dependent with anyone. And it means learning better to ask for what I want and surround myself with people who give me what I need.

All of this also means that Z is DEFINITELY not the right guy for me. I see that more clearly now....hopefully, I can actually let him go in my heart now.

Z Doesn't Think About Me That Way

I sit here writing this blog on the floor of a hotel room on my way to Kansas City. Z is watching some History Channel show on some shroud that people think might have belonged to Jesus. It's 11:40, and he wants to wake up super early to drive for a very long time tomorrow so that he can get home in time for some lecture on the 17th that he's supposed to give, that I don't think that I knew about. Maybe I did. Everything is such a haze from the last few months.

Spending time with Z has been incredible - we've had a great time, and I really appreciate that he's been driving with me. Actually, he's been doing all of the driving so I've had a very easy time. From the first night, we've been "sleeping" together. I had the conversation with him before it happened and thought that we were on the same page, but apparently I was reading into some of what he said and what he didn't say (because honestly he didn't say a lot that first night). I thought that this was the beginning of us considering the possibility of a relationship.

But, I've felt a lot of distance from him - metaphorically of course, mostly we're inches away from each other in the car! So tonight, after he told me a couple of stories of married people who are very unhappy and shouldn't be together and that maybe long term relationships don't work and that he's not looking for a relationship - I stopped and asked him, "so what are you doing with me then?" He said that he doesn't think about me in that way right now.

So, I'm feeling very hurt and rejected. I told him that I don't think that we should continue sleeping with each other like this because to sleep with a friend is okay if you have the boundaries that it is only a friendship and nothing more, but I want something more, so to continue sleeping with him would be to play with my heart. And, I told him, I deserve better than that.

He's said very little through the whole process and it feels like if I bring up anything about "us" that its inappropriate/he's unresponsive. I just asked a bit ago if his feeling about not being open to the possibility of a relationship with me is about him and not knowing me that well OR if its something about me. He said, "I don't know what you want from me. We've been together now a day and a half." I thought for a minute and told him that when I look at him, I want to kiss him, and not because I just want to kiss someone and he's there. And I want him to feel the same way about me. He didn't respond.

Augh! This is so hard. We've got several days ahead. I may not be able to publish your comments, but I will very likely be checking my email briefly once a day at the end of the day, my faithful and supportive readers. Why is it that the people who are so perfect for me are so emotionally unavailable? I think that there is a lot of material here for therapy after my trip. And there is a lot going on that is about Z and has nothing to do with me. But, I am very disappointed that there isn't the space to explore something more. This man makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm seen. And its ironic that I say that last thing because I'm sitting here on the floor of the hotel as Z now turns off the tv and goes to sleep; I'm starting to tear up, and I'm trying to be quiet about it so as to not let him know because there's not space here for me to cry. There's no space here for me to feel hurt. And that's being seen. It certainly isn't being loved -- but maybe I expect too much from people too soon???

Tomorrow, the adventure continues.....

Closure

Today, my kitchen remodel is finally finished! It looks fantastic. I also finished a draft of an article, which my advisor told me she'd have read by Monday. And before hearing that while we had dinner at my favorite restaurant....

I called Larry to ask for my food back. (He had been storing it at his house while I was waiting for the new fridge to arrive due to a bad mix-up.) He didn't answer at first, then called me back but didn't leave a message. (I saw it on caller id.) So, when I phoned back, he offered to bring the food over. This was a big relief because I had basically given up on getting it back.

He came over, gave me the last of my stuff back, and had very little say. He just had that scared look on his face that he's had since he broke up with me. And I was VERY polite the whole time, saying nothing to engage him on a negative level.

It felt like such a relief to be able to see him and have the emotion past me. I don't want to be with him anymore; I see him now for who he is. I am happy with my life. I am very blessed with many things.

At the same time, I earlier today realized that my love life is sort of hopeless. But nonetheless, I am feeling very appreciative of my life right now. And just to make closure complete, tonight I watched the movie "40 year old virgin." This is a movie that Larry told me he hates -- I think in part because he can relate to the character. (He is that level of a nerd.) Anyway, watching it, I imagined myself letting go of my relationship with Larry.

And here's how I'll do it better in the future (thanks April): I'll take good care of myself. Right now that means eating well, spending time with friends, taking an adult ed fun class, reading, being balanced, working out, finding fun things to do around town, yoga, acupuncture, therapy, massage, facials, watching good movies, reading good books, blogging, riding my bike, etc.

Ready to Move On

Well, this break-up really tore me up. I didn't fall asleep the first night until around 2am and then woke up around 7am. I was crying all the time and couldn't focus at all on work.

I decided that instead of the original plan that was made when Larry dumped me -- that we would meet again later for him to explain the reasons why he wanted to end things. I just couldn't take any of that in the other night; I needed time to digest that he had told me that he loved me and then shortly afterwards was telling me that he's leaving.

So yesterday morning, I emailed him and asked if he would write it down in an email/letter instead of meeting with me. He wrote back that he was thinking the same thing, but that he'd "get" to it when he has time. I wrote him pleading for him to take the time to do it as soon as possible because I need it to heal. He replied briefly saying that it should be enough knowing that I'm "invisible" to what he's thinking (or something along those lines). I replied with another plea for the explanation, telling him that he claims to have loved and cared about me, and if that is true, then please to give me what I need. I told him that this was all I want - not to get back together, not to see him. I was thinking to myself that I'm not asking for him to pay for the tickets I bought for him to go to the opera which I can't use now, that I'm not asking for him to get some of my stuff back to me; I just asked to know why he made the decision to break up with me.

And I spent all day just waiting for his email, waiting for him to give me closure, bracing myself for whatever he might say. I phoned my therapist sometime in the afternoon asking her if I should contact him again, perhaps call him, and try to talk him to getting me this letter OR just tell him to forget about. She told me that I was being anxious, and that I needed to control my anxiety until our therapy meeting (at 11am today).

Last night was his last reply. It came around 11pm. He told me, in very carefully worded terms: "I will write to you later this week. I need to work on something for my
meeting with Derek on Thursday. Plus I think a cooler head/heart would
help me summarize my feelings." When I read this, I just felt so angry. He's telling me that HIS school work is more important than my work (because I haven't been able to work) and my well being. He is speaking to me in these carefully crafted words that are free of emotion, indicating a huge distance between us.

So I thought about it. My therapist told me to not say anything until she and I meet. But why did I really need to keep holding on to this? Why do I need to give him the power to tell me what my mistakes were and what lessons I need to learn for next time? Why should I continue holding on to my love and care for him to want to know what happened in his heart? Why should I continue to feel pain for the loss of a relationship with a person who was showing total disregard for me? (I mean this in terms of the letter request, that he planned out breaking up with me without any communication with me that he was even thinking of such a think, that we got so vulnerable with each other RIGHT before the break-up, etc.)

So I emailed him back and said, " I think that your response to me in the last two days tells me enough. I would prefer it if we end our contact with each other here." After I sent it, I felt very empowered and relieved. Finally, I could let go of my pain and my heartache and my attachment to the relationship. And when I think about it, I can figure out on my own and with the help of my friends and my therapist what the lessons are for me and what to do differently next time. Why should I respect the opinion of a person who has been lying (keeping things from me) for months now and who shows blatant disregard for what I need? The letter would likely have been very carefully crafted and diplomatic, but written in a way that would just hurt me and blame me for everything.

With that off my back, I was able to relax a little bit and then fall asleep. I finally slept very deeply. I woke up this morning a little happy and a little angry at him. In part, I'm happy that I am able to move on from the shock to the angry phase. I've struggled for such a long time to be able to let myself feel anger, since like many women especially women survivors, I tend to repress anger which turns into depression. I feel happy that I was able to decipher for myself what I needed and take back control of my life. I feel happy that I'm able to take back control of my life in general, that I can get back to the many parts of my life that I really do love, and I can move on from a man who had a lot to offer me, but was clearly not my soul mate. I see that now, now that he's shown his true colors a bit. I don't need to know exactly how or where he's been keeping things from me or even who he really is. I know that he's not someone that I can share my life with.

He Dumped Me

I sit here typing crying my eyes out, confused as all hell, having had a fabulous and then horrible night. I don't exactly know what happened. Everything was lovely: sushi at my favorite restaurant, great conversation, emotional intimacy as Larry opened up and we both shared things for the first time.

When we got to my place, he kissed me and then proceeded to explain to me that he was breaking up with me. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I want to cry my eyes out, and I do. And then I stop and just feel so confused. I don't know whether to cry and be upset or be angry that he's been hiding these negative feelings and doubts all the while telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I feel like such an idiot and incapable of having a successful long term relationship. At least with Jerry we lasted 6 months. And this was 4 months! Why have I been opening up to this man; trusting him with my heart? I told him at the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship because I had enough going on in my life with my mom. But he told me that he was ready to take all of it on. And I believed him. Did he ever mean it? Why did he have me buy $350 opera tickets? Why was he making plans with me to go on vacation and to travel to and from Kansas City when my mom passes away? Why did he keep telling me that he loves me and is so happy to be with me?

We did have a fight last week, and then we talked it through. We agreed that I'd get an Imago workbook and we'd work through our issues together. And then things were fantastic again between us.

Augh! Augh! Augh! Okay, so the Jewbu quest right now is to let go of my attachment to the relationship, to ground myself in the present moment and the things that I do have (my friends, graduate school, fabulous mentors, graduating in the fall, my family, etc.), to take extra special care of myself, to give myself permission to feel whatever comes up, and to not internalize any of the negative things that Larry said to me.

I am so incredibly heart broken right now. I really felt so deeply for this man. I opened up to him and counted on him. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call him and beg him to take me back. Another part of me wants to never speak to him again. Part of me wants to get really drunk. Another part of me wants to stay up all night and cry. This is all so unexpected.

Silences and Trust

So, I've been seeing this guy, Larry, now for about 4 months. He claims to love me and that he'll do anything for me. But, lately, I just feel a lack of trust with him, and I'm wondering if this is about my own issues that I should come or a warning sign to slow down.

Here's what's going on: I've noticed that Larry doesn't open up much, especially not recently. When there are difficult issues, he clams up and just gets silent. Sometimes, he gets very formal in his conversation. I talk a LOT, so sometimes, I get uncomfortable that he's not interested in what I'm saying, and there are signs that maybe sometimes he's just not listening (or at least not hearing me).

Example: I had been looking forward to Thursday night for a long time. There's a special event in my town, and I normally have to miss it due to volunteering with a local organization. I made plans to go with Larry to the event as soon as I got back to town. I was at Sears trying to fix the fact that they haven't delivered my new appliances (even though I already got rid of the old ones because Sears had promised to deliver my appliances earlier) which was basically a huge stressful mess, when Larry calls me to tell me that his friend is going to be moving out of town and is having a give away party at about the same time as the event.

This is the second time that Larry has canceled something big with me because of this friend's last minute plans. Both times, Larry got very formal and basically made it a black or white issue -- either he'll be with me or he'll be with his friend; he offers little flexibility on making both work out. He speaks sort of in circles so I can't figure out easily what he really wants, especially since he never comes out and says what he wants. It becomes more passive aggressive, and he says things like: I'll give up this really important thing to do your thing, even though my thing is really important and I don't want to miss it.

Both times, he stressed me out in the middle of stressful situations. He spoke to me very formally and vaguely, leaving me to try to figure out what he really wants, what the options really are, etc.

I've been trying to talk to him about this, but he admittedly doesn't understand what I'm trying to convey. He openly said that if he gets an invitation to be with friends and they're doing something important, that he doesn't see any problem with canceling on me, even if it is last minute and even if our plans are important too.

I sort of got him to understand that we have different communication styles, and that for me communication is intimacy, and if he doesn't communicate openly and directly with me about what he wants, that I feel distant from him and a lack of trust. He admitted that he doesn't really have close friends so he doesn't ever practice open communication. He's always holding back and filtering, but he doesn't see a problem with that.

THEN on top of it all, we made plans to go study together this afternoon, and he calls me at 1pm to tell me that he has other plans to speak on the phone to his brother and mother. "I don't know why I didn't tell you that before." I said "I'm sure you just forgot." But I'm thinking to myself -- did you forget or did you just have problems communicating?

I don't even want to see him tonight. When he tries to kiss me, I just want to pull away. When he says "I love you," I want to say back "then act like it and open up to me."

Is this me reacting to the difficult situations in my life or is me recognizing big red flags? Should I slow things down with him or is this my issue that I have to get over?

Homecoming After a Whirlwind Tour

I just arrived home after 3 weeks away: I flew to Kansas City and arrived late after 10pm. Then, I drove the next morning in my Dad's car to St. Louis for a conference where I gave two presentations back to back over lunch. Then, a good friend of mine from Indianapolis drove in to spend the weekend with me.

Next, back to Kansas City for a visit with the family and a meeting with hospice. So, how was Mom? Everyone agrees that she's declining fast. She's still having seizures, and the Ativan helps less and less over time. Eventually we'll have to decrease the dose. And if we increase it anymore, Mom will likely be bedridden she'll be so out of it. But then again, she's developing what's called gate, which means that she is struggling to move around, shuffles her feet without getting very far, and sometimes just falls to the ground.

And then there's the issue of eating: Mom is losing weight, which is a sign that she's not getting enough to eat. Clearly, the staff at her facility aren't prompting her as much as she needs. But hospice won't admit that.

Mom looked small, frail, older, weaker, more confused, less responsive, and she's hard to move around. I brought her up frozen yogurt in her favorite flavor, white chocolate moose, but I had to actually feed it to her, and she would forget what it was that she was eating after every couple of bites.

I don't think that I'll probably see Mom again. I don't have plans to go back, and she can't survive for too long under these circumstances, that is clear. Well, I guess nothing is clear, since it was a full two years ago that my sister was told that my mom probably wouldn't live longer than 6 months.

After Kansas City, I flew to the Northwest for another conference. I got very drunk one night at a lesbian bar with classmates. I ended up seriously making out with my ex-girlfriend. She has a boyfriend by the way. What a mess! I'm so clearly still head over heels for her. So I had a talk with her yesterday about boundaries and put everything on the table of what's going on for me. She said that she'll try to respect the boundaries and apologized. She told me that if she wasn't with her boyfriend, she would want to date me. She's not going to tell him what happened; apparently they have some sort of agreement that if something happens while they're drunk at a bar, that its okay and not to tell the other person. What a messy drama.

Anyway, now that I'm back at home, I finally have time to deal with all of these emotions - the grief about my mother, regret about how things went with my ex as well as longing to have someone to share my life with, overwhelmed about how much work I have to do, anxiety about the future, and relief to finally be home again. I'm grateful for a good airline experience today, that I finally got over my cold that I caught in KC, to be back with my dog, and that I have so many friends and role models.

Body Says: Take Better Care of Me

Well, after working myself to the bone to be prepared for class and writing this last minute paper for my research team (because this other paper fell through...long story), my body said to me: "Girl, you better start taking care of me." I started getting congested, tired, achey, super cold. So, after I finished my paper on Thursday, I've been at home resting, trying to heal. Last night, I developed a migraine.

I go through these cycles of pushing myself too hard and then either getting sick or getting a migraine or both. I think its a message from my body to take better care of myself, like a slap in the tuchus to get better balance in my life.

My homework from therapy this week is to think about the people in my life who are good for me. See, I tend to be attracted to people who aren't good for me, who will take me for granted, not see my needs as valid, not be good at communication....I do this because of a pattern that I developed as child. As much as I try to deny it, I am like my mother in this way: I try to take care of others and get connected to those who will take and take from me without seeing my needs as valid. People who do meet my needs, I don't notice because I've been trained that only those who abuse me really love me.

So, let's notice the people who have been meeting my needs this week.

1. My friend Alena stopped by my agriculturist's and picked up Chinese herbs for me.
   
2. NJG called and offered to run to the store for me or drop by movies.
   
3. My neighbor returned my humidifier and kept me company.
   
4. My acupuncturist got herbs ready for me and gave me a box of herbs for colds (which I think she's giving me for free). She's going to let me pay for the former next time I come in.
   
5. This woman sitting in on my class pulled up a video that she wants us to watch in class.
6. My friend Nicole is hosting an L-word party at her house, and I'm invited.
7. My team is making me first author on our paper.
8. Many of my blog readers have given me supportive comments, even though I've been off line.
   

I think that my task for the near future is to learn how to ask for what I want, to notice those who give me what I need, and to keep learning how to take care of myself. Oh, and by the way, I finally get that I'm not ready to date until I can figure all of this out.

Dreams

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately. Last night was particularly vivid. This guy that I had an amazing romantic affair with in Egypt when we were both like 19 years old. In the dream, there was some sort of adventure, and I would say this dream fits into the series of dreams that I've had for years about struggling against evil forces. It felt good to have a partner in the dream; Jason (the guy) and I just ran into each other, and then all the feelings were there.

I haven't thought about him in a long time. After we both left Egypt, he went on to a study abroad program in Africa. I started having serious health issues and had to drop out of school. He dropped me before he came back to the States, and I never saw him again. I think that the heart break made my health problems worse.

As I'm procrastinating here at my computer, I decided to google him. He's got a webpage with a picture which looking at made me tear up. He's a professor now, and I find it ironic that we've both traveled down this academia path. I won't contact him, but it was interesting to look at someone from my past. In all of my pictures of Egypt, he was backlighted and dark, so you couldn't make out his face. I used to joke that it was as if I had made him up. But, there he was at his alma matter, looking serious and older.

Dreams are funny. Its interesting these connections that we have to people in our past, even after we think we move past them.

As I breathe in, I acknowledge all of the love that we had and the pain that he put me through. As I breathe out, I let go of my attachment to him and of the pain.
And then, I wish him well and go back to work.

Boho Dating

Yeah, dating's not so fun anymore. I went out with NJG last night, and the whole time it was kind of awkward as she kept asking me these questions about who I want to date and what I'm looking for - but all in the abstract. She freaked out about not feeling ready for a relationship. And then at the end, she told me that she likes really butchy women (aka not me).

Even though in therapy, we talked about how I have this trend to find people who are perfect on paper, fall for them, and then get heartbroken before even getting to know them...here I am again. This perfect woman on paper, and I feel heartbroken.

Also, in therapy we talked about how I need to work on asking for what I want and focusing on not getting lost in the future but being able to just be in the present. But, the whole date I was future thinking, not saying what I wanted. When I got home, I tried to call to just clarify, and she still had her phone off from dinner. So I sent her an email which said something along the lines of I'm really into you, but I get that you're not into me and am happy to hang out with you in whatever way you want to define. I haven't heard back.

So, after that night last night, I woke up feeling congested and sick. I think its a little psychosomatic. Dad told me that he's got a cold, and I'm taking that on for him. And, the whole thing with P and NJG just makes me feel kinda sick. NJG asked me if I want a relationship and why, and as I started talking about it, I really felt that longing to have someone in my life.

Woho Dating

My dating life is very much ramped up, and I'm not quite sure about how I feel about it all. I had a date with this very nice Jewish girl (NJG) who is getting her dissertation also related to gender issues. She was fantastic, and we had tons in common. Her dad had a stroke and is in a similar state to my Mom, and we got to bond over being so young having these issues and being dedicated to our parents and lots more.

Then, last night I went to a concert with my friend P. P has become one of my closest friends recently, but it was a bit weird for me when she started big time hinting about wanting to kiss me. And then, NJG was at the bar we went to later. I told P that I had been out with NJG, and she asked me if I can date more than one person at a time. I told her that we'd talk about it not while screaming in a loud bar. And then of course, I couldn't talk to either NJG or P without feeling like...just wrong. So, I just danced until I left.

I asked P to meet me for dinner tonight where she just laid everything on the table and said that she's not looking for a relationship now but that she really wants to just kiss me sometimes and casually date me. I told her that let's wait until at least next month when she files for divorce. Yes, that's what I said. Yes, its all very complicated.

Tomorrow night I have a date now with NJG. And then P and I are going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving. Augh! Plus, I have the guy in Kansas City. And there's a guy that I've been sleeping with here off and on but just as friends. So, my love life is a little bit full...especially for someone who is completely emotionally not available. My commitment is to my family right now. I feel oddly raw and confused. I mean, what the hell am I doing here juggling four people? I'm a monogamous kind of girl normally. And while NJG is perfect for me on paper, P is a really good friend and treats me fabulous. So what am I really looking for?

Am I Capable of a Real Relationship?

I've been told a lot lately that now isn't the time to be in a relationship; there's too much else going on in my life - Mom's Alzheimer's, trying to take care of Dad, a move ahead of me in two years when I complete my PhD. The teacher of the Imago class said that I'm just not ready; after I asked him what someone should do when they're attracted to the wrong people (or people who will only hurt them and are not open to healing Imago processes). He said I should work on myself until that changes.

The song "Kind Friend" by the Indigo Girls is playing. I used to listen to this song a lot in KC when things were tough and think about my friend Kathy and be grateful that I had our friendship. I miss her and my cousins. Augh, why do I focus on the things that are gone or missing instead of the things that I have?

I just have learned about myself that I do better when I'm in a partnership. I eat better, have more balance in my life, actually have a sex life, am more relaxed.... I want a partnership. But, I wonder if I'm capable of it. Are these people right that it isn't the right? Will it ever be the right time? My life has been filled with excuses of it not being the right time - moving around, other things to focus on, etc. When will it finally be the right time? Can I ever learn to put all of this pain, these patterns that I learned as a child to run away from people to protect myself because Dad was always so hurtful, this baggage...can i ever learn to put it all behind me and be able to approach another person with love?

Sorting Things Out

It feels so good to be back at home. I hosted "Lesbian Movie Night" last night. Fifteen people showed up, and I was a little annoyed when this friend who blew me off completely for my birthday asked me to do all of this work to have the night be a surprise party for her partner. But, others were really considerate and made up for it.

Cory called me yesterday afternoon. I was very excited to hear from him, but he seems very not that excited about talking to me. I get the sense that he's the traditional kind of guy who doesn't express tons of emotions. Again, perhaps a red flag, but his call just brightened up my day.

On the other hand, I had this date on Saturday night where I felt no chemistry or butterflies at all. My date, Michael, who I've gone out with several times before I left town, is a really good guy. He is very considerate, can relate to what I'm going through with Mom, is really focused on what I need. I think that he's the kind of guy who could just give me what I need. But, while we were listening to this concert, I found myself thinking about Cory (who probably wouldn't have even gone to a Classical music concert with me) and wishing that he was there.

Last Wednesday, I went to this Imago class. I asked the teacher if we can just move to be with people who will give us what we need instead of ones who we are more attracted to. He said that there won't be much attraction. This whole spiel probably isn't making much sense, but I refer you to Joe for background on the theory if you're interested.

But, I feel like I'm not being fair to Michael if I keep seeing him when I'm not feeling anything, even though its comfortable and safe to date him. I feel like I should try to not get that attached to Cory because there are so many warning signs and he's made it clear that he doesn't want a long distance relationship and won't ever leave Kansas City. But, I don't actually want to do either of the above.

In the meantime, I'm attempting to throw myself into my work and catch up. I SOOOO want a vacation but I feel like I need to spend as much time as possible in Kansas City and should probably go there in December. I'm going to put off buying tickets, I think, even though they're going fast since its the holidays.

Feeling Uncertainity

A lot has been going on here in Kansas City, getting increasingly intense as I get nearer to going home. My sister set me up with this guy, a friend of the family, and I've really developed feelings for him. At first, I was really put off by him because he comes from a very wealthy family, and it really seems to define him. But, then as I got to know him better, I see that he's this really great guy - super considerate and giving. And we have a lot in common - were raised very similarly and both have anxiety issues from overly controlling parents. And, there's crazy chemistry between us. Chemistry that is soooooo non-existent with the people I've gone out with back home.

But, he's clearly not going to leave Kansas City. And he wants a very different lifestyle than I do. So, he doesn't seem interested in pursuing a relationship with me - even though we've been seeing each other like every day now and we're having some of the best sex of my life. I came very close to falling asleep last night in his arms. But, I thought that might offend and freak out my Dad if I wasn't here when he woke up.

And then there's stuff with the family - Dad yelled at me the other night, and now we're barely speaking. During our earlier family meeting with my sister, he told us that he might move Mom into this really horrible nursing home where my great aunt was (the one he wanted to put Mom into before I pushed him to go the assisted living route). It is just really large and institutional and has more of a hospital feel than a homey feel.

Things with Mom's facility are still bad, but I feel like if I say anything then it just makes Dad more likely to move Mom into that home. I'm going to go today over to the Jewish home that has an Alzheimer's unit, even though Dad doesn't like that place.

I feel like in general, I just don't know what I'm doing. I haven't gotten much work done. My relationship with my Dad is all messed up. Things aren't good with Mom's place, and I don't even like being there because its frustrating as hell. I'm getting emotionally invested with this guy who lives here who doesn't want to pursue things, and who I probably won't even hear from when I'm out of town. I'm still tempted to tell Dad that I'm bisexual. I don't know what Mom needs or how to help her.

All I know is this: tomorrow evening, I'm going home. I'm going to throw myself into my work. I'm going to try to get a lot of exercise, meditate, and do yoga. I'll focus on taking care of myself. And until then, I'll just try to keep from going mad.

Looking for Breakup Advice

In the past, I've usually avoided the pain of break-ups by demonizing the ex in my mind. It would make the break-up easier, but cause me to not trust potential partners in the future. Now, I want to let myself feel the feelings, but not get too lost in them. I feel overwhelmed. I'm reading "When Things Fall Apart" again by Pema Chodron.

I also found these websites:

• Surviving a breakup
• Breakup ground rules
• Surviving a breakup suggestions
• Strategies
  

Talked It Out: Learning the Tao of Relationships

So I invited Jerry over for dinner tonight and talked it out with him. He seemed like he didn't even need to say anything; that it was understood that we're okay. I told him that I'd like it if he could tell me that he knows I'm going through a hard time and will be there for me AND something about how he feels about me. He (later) hugged me and told me something along the lines of: "I know you're going through a hard time and I'll be there for you as best I can. I really care about you."

I think that I tend to freak out if I don't get what I want or when things don't go the way that I want them to go. I tend to jump to negative conclusions. Part of what I'm learning now is the tao of relationships, I think: to have more maturity about who is "right" and "wrong" (it doesn't matter), to focus on what I'm doing instead of what my partner is or isn't doing, to let go of needing the relationship and focus on enjoying it. (And by saying that I'm learning this - I mean that I'm still in the process of learning this.)

Emotionally Withdrawn Jerry: Another Fight

Jerry has been wanting to go camping at these hot springs ever since we started dating, but the timing never works out. So when my book club got rescheduled for today, I suggested that we take advantage and go. He was futzing around with some friends at a local brewery, so I stopped by at his request. When I mentioned that if we're camping we should get in gear, he sort of made fun of me in front of his friends for yapping. I figured that we wouldn't go. But finally an hour later - like around 6pm, he says that he wants to go.

So I run home to throw some stuff together and take my dog to the doggie sitter's. I get to Jerry's house at 6:45, and he's sitting in the living room chatting with his roommate. I tell him that we gotta go, but he sort of putzes around some more commenting about how I'm nagging or something. Its an hour and a half drive, he says, and I really don't want to get there before dark.

Still, then he says that we need to pick up a pass and some food before we go. We arrive as the sun is setting and because some of the camp sites are closed, we end up driving in the dark. When we find an open camp site, I suggest that we make camp and find our way to the springs in the morning, but Jerry insists on keeping driving and then hiking to where he says he thinks the springs are. He gives me a flashlight, tells me to grab my towel and put away my sweatshirt and we go.

I'm cold and not feeling comfortable hiking in the dark somewhere I've never been before. I suggest to Jerry that we make a time to go back if we don't find anything - because we've brought no water, I'm cold, and it doesn't seem like we even know where we're going. We finally arrive to the end of the road, and there's no visible path. We stumble along, my following Jerry. I tell Jerry that I'm uncomfortable, but he's like not really hearing me; he's determined to get to the springs, which we can now hear.

So he goes off by himself for awhile. I hear this squeaky noise like a rat or something and just really freaked out that I don't know where I am, its dark, and I'm just feeling really powerless. So, I sit down and have a little cry.

Jerry comes back and leads me to the springs. Jerry apologizes for me getting scared, but kinda in a laughing at me sort of way. As I get into the springs, he goes off again to relieve himself, and I'm sitting naked in the springs (which are too hot to really sit in). When he returns, I try to make everything be okay and come over to him and kiss him. But everything feels awkward and just wrong. I get out and just start to really cry. I look up at the sky and think about how powerless I am with what's happening with Mom. Feeling powerless before just tapped into my feeling powerless about everything.

Jerry asks me what's wrong, and finally I tell him, after a little prodding. He doesn't really respond at all and then like tries to lightly change the topic of conversation. I'm feeling so put off at this point, that I get dressed and walk back to the road by myself, just taking some time to put myself together.

When Jerry gets back, he's now angry for leaving him. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him that he seems to freak out whenever I get emotional. He says that this is how he always is and why is it a big deal all of a sudden. After being really ready for him to just hold me for awhile, he basically says that he can't deal with anything emotional. He doesn't say why or that this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me or ANYTHING. He seems annoyed with me too, and we walk back mostly in silence.

As we put up the tent, he is barking orders at me and telling me that I'm doing things wrong. Then, when he gets in the tent, he just passes out asleep. So, I'm left there feeling emotional, hurt, and really lonely.

We kinda fought a little more this morning again. He kept barking orders at me, telling me I'm dong things wrong, and then expecting me to be having a good time. On the car ride back, he told me that he's annoyed with me for choosing to fight on the camping trip. I told him that I didn't choose to get sad. I don't even know what all was said. All I know is that I feel like he doesn't really care about me, like he's closed off emotionally, and like I'm supposed to be pretending....I don't know what the hell is going on, just that its all off.

And the Drama Starts Again

Well, last week I seemed to find the middle road. This week, I've had lots of drama arise again. Everything with my thesis that could go wrong, has. Yesterday, the document became corrupted and just disappeared. Jerry helped me regain an older version, and I finally finished the thing. Jerry was my total hero - after trying to talk me through it on the phone and me ending up in tears. Plus, lots of bureaucracy making sure my margins were acurate and whatever.

I haven't been sleeping that well, and I certainly haven't been able to get off the sleep medication AT ALL. Last night, for example, didn't help. Jerry showed up around 9:45ish and wanted to do some work, so I tried to work also, even though it was past my normal cut working cut off. Then, I told him that I'd give him a backrub after he started falling asleep on the couch.

I don't want to give too many details I guess, but basically afterwards, I put on a cute nighty and got into bed next to him and as we moved towards each other, I put my hand under his shirt and he snapped "dude, warm those things up before you touch me." I was hurt, but waited for a minute for him to say something nicer, which didn't happen, so I got out of bed and got ready to sleep.

When I got into bed, Jerry didn't say anything, but pecked me a kiss goodnight. I said "if you're going to reject me [a common issue for us], the least you could do is be nice about it." Jerry said he didn't know what I was talking about. Me: You snapped at me. At least this afternoon when you rejected me, you were nice about it.

So we get into a long, deep conversation about our sex life and all of the problems were having in this area. It didn't seem to be going well, so I tried to check in by putting my head on his chest, and after no response, saying "are you mad at me or annoyed?" J: I'm annoyed that I came over here after being really tired because I had promised that I would....let's just cuddle and go to sleep." I felt put off because everything was unresolved, so I asked "well can you at least say something nice first?" Jerry: "What do you want me to say?"

God, the whole conversation was SO gendered. I fell asleep half crying. I wanted to go lay down stairs for awhile before going to sleep, but Jerry said that maybe he'd just go home. I felt like if he went home that would be an enormous rejection, so I just laid in bed feeling all uncomfortable.

Just when I had been feeling that things were great between us and like I could relax into the comfortability of the relationship, we still have this big issue around sex that we've had the whole time we've been dating and we've made no progress on it. I feel a little defeated. I don't know what to do from here. I texted him today asking if we could finish the conversation sometime when we're not so sleepy and he texted back just "yes." But we have no time scheduled. And of course both of us are crazy busy this week, but this not being a priority makes me feel like he doesn't see our relationship as a priority.

So, I'm feeling all around pretty crummy today - didn't sleep well last night, have almost zero way of connecting with Jerry on a sexual level, and my self-confidence is way low.

Now I Remember Why Dating Is Hard, Mom Forgets Me

I finally called Jerry on Friday, after he sends me some casual text around 10:15pm. I was really frustrated that night, although he claimed it was a miscommunication.

Saturday night, I made plans for us to go to this nice restaurant. I offered to take him out, but he insisted on paying. It was candlelit and right on the ocean. The romantic atmosphere helped bring us back to this relaxed, comfortable dating place. I finally told him about some of the sexual issue things that are going on between us, and he immediately changed the subject and started going on and on about something. I called him on it, and then he said something like "well if you want to talk about your orgasms, we can do that." He was kind of bitchy about it, and I felt horribly uncomfortable.

He took me back to his place, without really asking me, and put on this movie "What the bleep do you know" or something like that. I was kinda annoyed that he kept suggesting before that all of these violent movies, when I had said to him several times that I don't watch violence because I deal with it enough in my research. I had him drive me home after the movie, which was already after 11pm, and he was so awkward in the car; probably I was awkward too.

He told me to call him the morning. We met for breakfast and sex, and I was happy that Jerry clearly had heard me the night before. All of a sudden, things seemed kinda back on track with us. I'm still a little wary about the whole relationship, but I think he's a very nice guy. He's just very vanilla, very socially conservative, and that's not necessarily so me. But, he's also very solid, and I think I really need someone like him in my life. And, I know that resenting the relationship after one month is something that I do, so I'm going to try to give it some time with him. ITS SO HARD though that Jerry doesn't really talk about his feelings. I'm hoping that he'll open up more to me when he gets to know me better.

Anyway, next weekend I'm going to a friend's in San Diego for her birthday and he's going to San Francisco for a beer festival thing. I did tell him though that I'll make him dinner on Wednesday aka Valentine's Day. I'll be done with my draft of my thesis by then, so I can finally clear off the dining room table. Did you catch that? I'll be done with the draft. Yea!

Anyway, on some sad news, my mother has forgotten who I am. My name no longer means anything to her or having a daughter. Its a hard thing to take. I forgot to mention before that last Thursday, I tried to go to an Alzheimer's Association support group and couldn't find it. That is after going to the wrong place first. It felt very ironical. And sad that I couldn't find the support. But, I'm not completely in the space right now to deal with that. Maybe if I go to her, she'll remember that she loves me when she sees me.