JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Dinner Last Night: Isn't It Clear?

Note to all my readers: I know that I'm obsessing over my relationship with *A* in the long post below. I tried last night to not write about it and just sit here and cry and get it out a bit. But, I woke up with this really strongly on my mind. I hope that writing about it here will help me let go of it. But, if this doesn't interest you, don't read it.

So, *A* decided on an Italian restaurant that I had never been to before for dinner. He had mentioned the place to me before - that the portions are so big that you have to share. Seeing him was awkward and uncomfortable as well as releaving and familiar. We had to wait a long time before we could get a table, and then the restaurant was really loud, so it was difficult to talk.

*A* immediately said he was going to order something with shrimp (which I don't eat, a sign that he isn't going to share). He seems to be so uncomfortable doing anything with me that I didn't come out and ask about sharing, but I said that I'd order something I knew he likes and commented on how big the portions are.

I mentioned that after dinner, I'd probably go to a nearby coffee shop and work on my thesis. I half hoped that *A* would want to do something after dinner, and that dinner wasn't this awkward jesture he was making. But, halfway through dinner *A* gets a text message that he immediately reads. It was from this guy Jeff.

Jeff is *A*'s new best friend. *A* doesn't say it, but its clear. They do everything together, and practically since they met, *A* will move his schedule around to meet up with Jeff. I've encouraged the relationship, going to meet with *A* some nights after Jeff blew him off. But lately, I just feel hurt that *A* wants to spend all of his free time with Jeff and Jeff's friends, I'm not invited, and he only wants to see me if they're busy.

So when Jeff texted *A*, *A* said: I told him I was having DINNER with you.

Me: He probably wants to know when you'll meet up afterwards.

*A*: I told him I'd call him after we were finished. (As if he was noticing that was admiting that though we had both said that we didn't have plans, that he was going to do something with Jeff after dinner) We don't have plans though. (This is clearly not true.)

I could barely eat half of my dinner and go it boxed up. *A* got his boxed up and wanted to give it to me. (But I told him that I don't want shrimp in my house.) He said, I'm going out though and don't want to leave it in my car. I pointed out that I had also planned on going to the coffee shop.

Me: Or maybe I'll just go home. I do have a little something waiting for me at home?

*A* made a joke like I would go home and drink. (I really didn't appreciate this because last year, I had a drinking problem from sitting at home and drinking.) Me: No, I meant the dog. Well, I better let you go meet Jeff for a drink.

*A* (awkwardly) clearly just trying to cover his bases: Do you want to come with us?

Me: That's okay. I don't want to cramp your style.

*A* seemingly releaved and quickly dropping the issue, gives me a hug goodbye with a look on his face that indicates he can read that sad. He doesn't bother asking about it though and walks off towards the bar they always meet at.

*A* went to the bar Jeff Friday night and Saturday night, and is meeting him today to play a game and then go watch football. He told me that most nights he ends up at the bar for awhile. At the same time, he has the nerve to tell me that he hasn't been seeing me because he's busy.

Clearly, *A* isn't my best friend. He's an old friend, yes. But, he doesn't want to talk about anything in our history. He's generally too busy hanging out with other friends to see me. He clearly is a little tired of our friendship, and prefers the lighter company of these new friends who are guys and who he can just be a "guy" with. I can't call him up if I'm having a hard time. I can't expect that he'll be there for me. I can't talk to him about serious stuff. The hard thing is that all of these statements could be qualified with "anymore" because he really used to be my best friend in every sense of the word.

I have some things scheduled today which are going to be helpful - a book club meeting and then this writing group meeting (I'm putting it together to try and keep me focused). My neighbor gave me tickets to go to the symphony, and I even moved the writing group meeting around it. But, now I can't find ANYONE to go with me. I've asked probably 10-15 people (everyone I could possibly ask). Last night, I even sent out an email to people I haven't spoken to in a year. And I'm going to feel like an idiot at the writing group (which I shouldn't have moved probably) and to my neighbor if I don't go. I had hoped last night that as a fallback, *A* would agree to come with me, but he wants to go watch football. I was tempted to ask - can you tape the game and watch it later? And I totally get why he likes to watch it at the bar with his friends. But, it would have been nice if he would miss part of the game to do me the favor. Six months ago, he would have. It just makes me feel really down that I can't even find someone to sit with me for an hour for a free symphony concert. It honestly makes me feel a bit like a loser.

And I'm freaked out that I'm going to have to deal with this every weekend - not having any plans, the people who I used to do things with are going to not want me around, and it is really hard to meet people where I live. I really just don't need this right now. I really need to be able to completely focus on my work and getting my thesis done and be able to come up for air once in awhile and have easy ways to unwind with other people.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Although it may seem as though this comment be posted to the immediately following post, well, whatever. I just want you to know, Karma, I'm enjoying reading about the evolution (I hesitate to call it "devolution" because, well, you never know and, besides, objectively, all changes are progressions, even if they don't feel that way at the time) of your relationship with *A*, your corresponding thoughts and angst about sexual relationships in general, etc. I'm not sure why. Although some of the situations through which you're plowing are similar to some I've been through, I can't say that you remind me of myself at your age.
Maybe it's just nice for me to read about something besides caregiving...and, as well, I've always been fascinated with all kinds of relationships (they say it's "a woman thing"...I used to believe this, now I'm not so sure).
Anyway, I say, this is your journal, carry on as you feel the need. Whatever you write about, I'll be reading.

Sunday, October 15, 2006 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. It makes me feel good knowing that you're reading and really thinking about the things that I write. It helps me take this more seriously, and blogging is really good for me.

Monday, October 16, 2006 9:02:00 AM  

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