JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, November 17, 2006

In Denver: So What Am I Doing Here?

Well, I felt a lot better this morning and managed to drag my tuchus to pack and get on the plane. At the airport, I was feeling a little bit of the migraine aura type thing and was tempted to just go home. But here I am. The whole thing is a bit odd. *A* got us a room with a king size bed instead of two double beds, and I didn't say anything because a big part of me wants to be sleeping in the same bed as him, but I know that I should've made us change to separate beds.

The rehersal dinner was nice, but *A* and I got seated at this table of local couples and all of the people we know were sitting elsewhere. It made me feel uncomfortable because it was hard to make conversation with them (very loud). The person who I really hoped to see (and the only other female in the group of high school friends) didn't show up - - eventually we found that sometime came up at the last minute. I'm just not feeling chit chatty. And, then a bunch of people spoke tonight about the couple that's getting married and I realized that I don't even know them that well; I just feel wierd being at this wedding having not been at Sanchi's wedding, when she is a much older and dearer friend.

Don't get me wrong; I am really happy for my friend that is getting married. He has had some really rough times and he's pulled himself up out of them in a big struggle, and he's been very supportive of me and my struggles along the way as well. I'm really glad that I can be here to help celebrate. But, I feel really out of place - I don't feel comfortable in this yuppie world, especially when I am not sure what I'm doing with my life.

*A* got pretty drunk and went to talk to some of the guys. And I didn't have anyone to talk to so I just came back to the hotel to blog and work a bit. However, now I realize that I brought the wrong books with me, so I'm not even sure how I'll get work done this weekend! Augh!

I'm going to be independent and have a good time this weekend, I just don't like being in this coupledom situation with *A*, where it just makes me feel like we're together and then as if bruised when there are these realizations that it ain't gonna happen. And, its awkward that I can't be drinking at all when my friends are (alcohol can trigger a migraine). So, wish me luck, stregnth, and be jealous a bit that I'm getting a hot stone massage tomorrow and get to look amazing - - even if it seems that there aren't other single people here and *A* probably won't even notice. But, that's okay; it'll feel good to look good....and I think it seriously makes me feel a little nicely rebellious with the freshwater pearl bra straps!

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Blogger tafka PP said...

Babes- you are going to RULE THE SCHOOL in your freshwater pearl bra and dress! Just pretend (I know how hard it is) that A means nothing to you during the wedding itself. See it as an excercise in amateur dramatics- 3 hours tops. And know you are the most gorgeous person ever. Nobody else will be wearing a freshwater pearl bra! Try and enjoy. And the stone massage. Look forward to reports.

Saturday, November 18, 2006 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you!

Saturday, November 18, 2006 10:14:00 PM  

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