The Problem is the Way I Take Things On

It has been awhile since I've blogged and now I feel like I don't know where to begin. I've just been running around so much lately trying to keep up with work, school, my trip this past weekend to San Francisco where I visited with friends from Israel, and my trip next weekend to Denver for another friend's wedding.

Last week my therapist suggested that maybe I've gotten really good at taking care of myself, but my problem is the way that I take things on OR in other words, the way that I've constructed my world. I've been thinking about it alot. I mean, there are all of these real, overwhelming problems in my life, but maybe there's something about me that's seeking them out unconsciously.

Here are some examples: My dad used to say that my outlook is "Why be difficult when you can be impossible?" I am torn between two countries - Israel and the U.S. I'm in a field that is a pressure cooker for at least the first 10-15 years. I only get serious about dating Jewish guys, and then I feel so pressured that I mess everything up. I've gotten drawn into a research project which is high pressure that isn't what I want to be doing. All of these little things add up to me not being able to be happy on a day to day basis. The present moment gets lost in all of these things that I try to do for my future, but which overcomplicate my life.

I recently spent some time with someone that I love pretty deeply, but who is completely unavailable. (Now you're wondering which of these people that I've mentioned in the past that I'm talking about.) It made me realize that I REALLY need to figure out how to love someone who IS available. I honestly don't know how to make this happen. But, the more that I lose my mom, the more I feel this gaping whole in my life; this lack of having family and someone to be there on a day to day basis to support and love.

In the meantime, I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed and kinda lonely and overly focused on trying to get my thesis done.