The Wedding

I just got back from the wedding. *A* is still there. A friend of mine and his wife walked me back to the hotel. *A* said he'll be back soon to change, and then he's going to go smoke pot with a couple of guys from high school. I'm really disappointed...even though I know that I saw this coming. I mean, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; I must be insane!

The thing is that I look amazing. The stylist put my hair up but where it still looks really curly; its just gorgeous. And, I've got this really minimal but flattering make-up. The hot stone massage by the way was amazing; I feel so pampered. The therapist used both hot and cold stones to really get my muscles to release; I could barely move at the end. I had a really good afternoon. I left *A* at the hotel with no plans, but I had tried to coordinate stuff with him, so I don't even feel bad.

But, when I returned to get ready, he told me to walk around in my bra if I need to, but that I had to get ready because he didn't want to be late. Then, he hinted like he wanted to see the pearl bra, so I went and put it on, and he said: "is that a wonderbra?" I said "nope; its all me." It just made me feel really good.

The wedding was beautiful. The bride walked down to "Shneyim" (two) by David Broza. And for the traditional walking around the groom by the bride, well they split it up - so she walked around him 3 times, then he around her, and the last time they sort of walked around each other. Oh, and at the table with namecards, there were wedding pictures of other family members. There was some talk about the groom (my friend)'s mother who died a few years ago, which made me cry a little.

I had a hard time finding people to talk to at the wedding. I did manage to branch away from *A* and make some chit chat until he approached me and said that he didn't feel like meeting new people. So, I went with him (first mistake).

Then, when we sat down, and almost immediately they start playing Jewish music - like hava nagelia and stuff like that. And I thought about my mom and how much she would love being there and the dancing, and I had to leave the building, I couldn't stop crying. It was freezing outside too - literally. I called my sister who I knew would be with her and got to talk to her. She sounded okay; my sister said Mom had just been talking about me.

When I went back in, I felt like no one even noticed that I had been gone. I wished I had a girlfriend to talk to about what I'm feeling. AND especially to point out the problems with this dress. So, the bra totally shows because the dress is too low cut - and if I move around at all, the dress REALLY shows my bra. Thank god I have this shawl thing to cover myself up, but the whole night I'm really self conscious, and I'm not quite sure what to do with this stuff later. Maybe I need to write a letter to the owner of the lingerie store and explain the situation and hope she'll work something out with me - I mean, I know I can't return this since I've worn it. And maybe I'll take the dress to a tailor and ask to have it fixed so it will fit me better.

God, what am I doing here. It does give me hope that my friend got married without his Mom, and it was joyous that maybe one day I can have that too. But, I can't stop thinking about how much my Mom wants me to get married and would enjoy a wedding. I hate that I can't give that to her. So, I look over at *A* who tries to make me laugh, and I can't help thinking that I wish that he and I could get married. And that's insane right, but I still think it. And *A* said that maybe after he gets drunk, he'd try to grab my breast before passing out. What kind of sick relationship is this?

The stylist who did my hair said that she bets *A* and I will hook up tonight, and part of me hoped that we would because I still miss what we had. I can't help it. I don't know how to get out of this ridiculous cycle. And now I sitting alone in the hotel room and crying and wishing that I had someone to appreciate how great I look tonight and how hard it is to lose my mom. I kinda feel like I get that from my blog and all of its supporters, which is why at midnight, I stayed up to write this out. Also, it makes me feel good to get it out...so now I don't have to hold on to it anymore, maybe I can just let it go...if even a little bit.