JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Overwhelming Feelings and Reaching Out for Help

I really freaked out last night about the whole thing with my cousins. After I wrote the post, I noticed that I didn't talk much about my feelings, just the facts of the situation. I later became flooded with overwhelming feelings of frustration, sadness, abandonment, shock, confusion, and grief for the loss of my family relations. My sister and I spoke for awhile on the phone, and I was grateful that I had her to talk to, even though our relationship is so rocky. I missed being able to call Kathy. My emotions are especially intense because I'm PMSing. I know that but it doesn't necessarily make it easier.

I am embarrassed to admit this but last night after a full dinner, I decided to take the pile of presents for my cousins off my dresser. I had them since Thanksgiving, when I got sick, and had thought we'd be shortly rescheduling meeting. There were some books for the kids including a book about mermaids, which the daughter really likes. And, there was a big box of Godiva chocolates, which I knew my cousin would really love. I opened it and found that the chocolates had all melted and then re-formed, making this disgusting looking blobs. Even though chocolate can trigger migraines, I ate whatever was salvagable out of the box. Then, I made myself a screwdriver, and then I ate an entire box of Kraft maccaroni and cheese (which I had to go the store to get). Cheese can also trigger migraines and is horrible for my stomach with the digestive problems I've been having from the stress. But, I didn't care. I thought about how when my sister and I were little and didn't want to eat something, she'd tell us it tasted like macaroni and cheese to get us to eat it. And, I desperately wanted to feel the food coma of relief.

This morning, I had therapy and then acuptunture. I think that my therapist was off a bit today; she just struggled with following everbody's names and the story. But, she invited me to call and check in. My acuputurist though was amazing. I told her what's going on, and she we talked about it with the needles in, which she said would help my system deal with the intense emotions. She normalized what I'm feeling and suggested thinking about it as a lesson in how not to treat people. She even offered me to call her anytime I need someone to let me vent. Next week, she's having me bring in a picture of my aunt, so that I can train my body not to shut down when I think about her.

But, here's the most recent: I got a package today from UPS. Inside are two books that I lent to Kathy months ago: "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself" and The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook." There's no name or note. The return address is a UPS Store near her friend Shawn's house (who she blew me off with on New Year's). I'm not quite sure what to think about this, but I'm put back into a PTSD shock response mode. I don't know if I'll be able to use these books and not think about her. Maybe I'll give them away with the books I got for my cousin....

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Kraft macaroni and cheese is it's own food group and one of my favorite foods. I probable have three boxes in my cupboard right now. I eat like that when I'm stressed.
I have Fibromyalgia and I've read a little about accupressure(sp), I know I couldn't do the needle thing with accupunture. Is pressing on certain places of your head working for you? Sorry to ramble. If you ever want to vent send me an email. I'm pretty good at listening. Take care and good luck with all the family stuff you're going through.

Friday, January 19, 2007 8:10:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Melanie. I might take you up on the venting thing. I think that the acupressure does help. There are people also, who are trained in doing acupressure treatments. Plus, you know I didn't think that I would be able to do the needle thing either; in fact when younger, I would pass out with needles. But, these needles are so small, and I feel the benefits so strongly and quickly, that I always think that its worth it.

I suffered with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as an undergrad, so I can relate a bit to how much of a struggle these sorts of illness can be. Take care!

Friday, January 19, 2007 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Now I understand your comment on my post about my grief at having lost my sisters why they are yet alive.

Just shaking my head, and considering making mac & cheese for dinner, tonight, in honor of all who have experienced the loss of the living while they are living. I know it sounds silly, but, well, you had to be there and I see that you have, so I have a feeling it won't seem silly to you.

Acupuncturists are wonderful, aren't they...I sometimes think they are the most compassionate of healers.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

It won't at all seem silly to me. I'm all about creating rituals to externalize our internal experiences.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:24:00 AM  

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