Overwhelming Feelings and Reaching Out for Help

I really freaked out last night about the whole thing with my cousins. After I wrote the post, I noticed that I didn't talk much about my feelings, just the facts of the situation. I later became flooded with overwhelming feelings of frustration, sadness, abandonment, shock, confusion, and grief for the loss of my family relations. My sister and I spoke for awhile on the phone, and I was grateful that I had her to talk to, even though our relationship is so rocky. I missed being able to call Kathy. My emotions are especially intense because I'm PMSing. I know that but it doesn't necessarily make it easier.

I am embarrassed to admit this but last night after a full dinner, I decided to take the pile of presents for my cousins off my dresser. I had them since Thanksgiving, when I got sick, and had thought we'd be shortly rescheduling meeting. There were some books for the kids including a book about mermaids, which the daughter really likes. And, there was a big box of Godiva chocolates, which I knew my cousin would really love. I opened it and found that the chocolates had all melted and then re-formed, making this disgusting looking blobs. Even though chocolate can trigger migraines, I ate whatever was salvagable out of the box. Then, I made myself a screwdriver, and then I ate an entire box of Kraft maccaroni and cheese (which I had to go the store to get). Cheese can also trigger migraines and is horrible for my stomach with the digestive problems I've been having from the stress. But, I didn't care. I thought about how when my sister and I were little and didn't want to eat something, she'd tell us it tasted like macaroni and cheese to get us to eat it. And, I desperately wanted to feel the food coma of relief.

This morning, I had therapy and then acuptunture. I think that my therapist was off a bit today; she just struggled with following everbody's names and the story. But, she invited me to call and check in. My acuputurist though was amazing. I told her what's going on, and she we talked about it with the needles in, which she said would help my system deal with the intense emotions. She normalized what I'm feeling and suggested thinking about it as a lesson in how not to treat people. She even offered me to call her anytime I need someone to let me vent. Next week, she's having me bring in a picture of my aunt, so that I can train my body not to shut down when I think about her.

But, here's the most recent: I got a package today from UPS. Inside are two books that I lent to Kathy months ago: "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself" and The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook." There's no name or note. The return address is a UPS Store near her friend Shawn's house (who she blew me off with on New Year's). I'm not quite sure what to think about this, but I'm put back into a PTSD shock response mode. I don't know if I'll be able to use these books and not think about her. Maybe I'll give them away with the books I got for my cousin....