JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

...But Still Scarred: Feeling Lost and Jittery

I woke up this morning around 6:30am or something with a PTSD response after hearing a loud truck drive by. I jerked awake and couldn't fall back asleep. I think its related to the anniversary yesterday. So, now I'm tired and my stomach is majorly upset (which it has been for weeks).

My therapist normalized my feeling lost and out of it - with things with my family, Kathy, etc., so many things are not what they seem and can't be fully trusted. I'm questioning everything now. Do I really want to be in grad school? Do I want a career in academia? Do I want to go back to Kansas City and focus on Mom? Do I want to take time to ground myself or jump back into my work? I don't even trust myself to know what I want. I even drove to therapy today without my wallet, which has not only my ID but also my insurance (since the new card got forwarded to KC, I just stuck it in my wallet).

I feel like I'm trying to just take things as they come. My therapist pointed out that I'm in a PTSD response mode. I don't have foundational things to lean on and am on survival mode. She's pushing me to not force myself to do things (like work, school) and instead to make choices about what I want. The hard thing is that I there's so much to do; I'm so behind since I took last month off. I know that I just need to get this stupid thesis done. I know that I need to find ways to be able to bring myself back to being in the moment, back to my quest, back to taking care of myself. Its just hard to find the balance of getting work done, personal healing, connecting to other people and (re)building a life for myself here, and wanting to be there for my family.

I desperately don't want to work at all today. I don't even know what I want to do. Tonight, for example, I could go to: 1) a rally against troop surge in Iraq, 2) a program for women at shul about Kabbalah, 3) a support group at the Alzheimer's Association. I feel like I should stay home and work, but I more want to just stay home and veg. These aren't big decisions, but my indecisiveness reflects my mental space.

Update on Mom: Dad says she has a bladder infection. The ALF noticed the problem and took a test. They're ordering antibiotics. But, it makes me worry that they're not helping her with bathroom issues as they should. Dad says the nurse is concerned that the staff aren't pushing enough fluids.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

I'm a little concerned about the new facility, now. You're right about the cause probably being lack of help with bathroom routines. Although the following is going to sound icky, it might come in handy for you to know this:
A few years ago, despite my meticulous help when she eliminates (both urinary and bowel eliminations), because her muscles throughout that area (both her eliminatory muscles and her genital muscles) don't work that well, anymore, and she is stiff, besides, her bowel detritus ALWAYS works its way up from colon to the urinary area. Despite my instant and meticulous cleaning, it finally was recognized that it would be impossible to control her urinary infections unless she was on a daily maintenance dose of Macrodantin. This has taken care of the problem; although it is not a substitute for scrupulous help in the bathroom.

Please know, too, Karma, that it is not uncommon, throughout our lives, for all of us to suddenly lose our foundations and have to scramble to figure out how to operate from there. Clearly, you are overwhelmed, right now, so consider that your indecisiveness is probably keeping you from making some major blunders.

When in doubt, you know, don't, if that's possible. If you must, and you're still in doubt, be easy on yourself. You can't see your plight from the outside, but I can tell you, Karma, despite your grief, and your triggers, and your indecisiveness, you are incredibly strong. You're just not sure how to apply your strength. It will teach you how to use it. I guarantee this.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 1:48:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wow, thanks for the thoughtful comment. Mom's facility is struggling with finding the right floor coordinator, so there have been long gaps of time when there's no one supervising Mom's floor. They're still figuring things out too having just opened and trying to figure out how to work things, but I know they're supposed to escort Mom to the bathroom at least every 2 hours. Its a hard adjustment for Mom and I think for the staff that all of a sudden, she's losing this part of her independence.

But, yes, it was a hard time, but things are getting easier. Its good to be reminded have far I've come.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:52:00 AM  

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