JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Daze, Desires, and a Date

I went this morning to meet with someone from Hospice about getting into one of their support groups. I had been a bit nervous because when I called months ago, I was told to wait until my grandmother dies, and I was nervous that they would say that its not enough of a loss or something. But, it felt good to be able to just talk openly about the grief issues and not have to worry about being positive...I could just be as I am. The next meeting is tomorrow during a conference call for work, so I'll wait until February.

I'm finding myself really tempted to call Kathy. I know that I shouldn't, but I just want to understand what happened. I'm worried that maybe I did something wrong or I'm in a negative pattern, and I wish that she would just tell me.

I also haven't heard from my cousins who live an hour North of me. I sent an email last week checking in and to plan our next visit. I fear that now that Grandma's passed and my aunt has bad mouthed me that they don't want anything more to do with me.

I had a first date or a pre-date last night, and I think that it went well, but we didn't make definite plans. I think I'll email him tomorrow. I'm so bad at dating!

I'm still having a VERY hard time getting work done. I did manage to finish coding one transcript yesterday, but I am SO far behind. I'm also SO close. My heart just isn't here anymore. I'm thinking more and more about going back to Kansas City to be with Mom, even though I fear that I'd get way too emeshed in my family dynamics and I would miss my home here. I even went online to search graduate programs in the area, even looking into switching to counseling pscyhology. I don't even know what I want to do. I just know that I want to spend as much time with possible with my Mom.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you! Glad to hear you made it to the support group AND A date in the same week! What's he like?? :)

Anyways, I just had to comment, I just don't think calling Kathy is a good idea. Sounds like she's wrapped up in her own neurosis so to speak right now. You and I discussed week before last an explanation for it -- I don't think you can look to her for validation about *your* being in a negative pattern. I think you need to have some confidence that you acted properly and that due to circumstances beyond your control, she reacted a lot differently than she should. I know you miss your dear friend, and as you and I both know, time can change things. I know time is moving a lot more slowly for you with this issue. You have nothing to appologise for. The ball is in her court and perhaps in the next month or 2 she will make the effort to reconnect. Perhaps you could focus on other issues/friendships in your life that would appreciate some extra attention. Hell, I wouldn't mind some more attention! hee hee I mean, I am happy with the chance to be a little more a part of your life, if you'd like.

Funny you are considering other degree options....been thinking about that with you for a while. You are thorough and caring....part of me sees you going into some sort of social work, more for adults not children necessarily. I know you want to make a difference in the world, and what better way to do it than 1 person at a time? I'm sure you will figure this out, there must be a reason why your direction is changing. Wishing you much support and good vibes. S.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 8:25:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is entirely my own opinion, but if you could make it work you should you should spend time with your mom. Like you I'm a little afraid of your family dynamics working against you. If somehow you could balance everything out maybe you could make it work. I didn't have a healthy relationship with my mom or really anyone in my family due to many reasons but abuse was one of them. The last time I spoke with my mom we had an argument about something that could have been resolved differently. Anyway if you can get past your issues that you mentioned with Kathy, your cousins and the rest of your family. Try and spend time with your mom if at all possible. That's my two cent worth of advice.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 4:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay Karma you get to be next. You've been tagged. Write 10 things that define your style. I found it a little tough to start out with but once I started writing it was fun. You'll find my list on my Happy Thoughts blog. I hope you enjoy and have a little fun with this. Take care

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 4:45:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wow, lots of warm support for this post. Thanks Melanie and Sanchi! S- I'm glad that we got a chance to talk on the phone last nice. It was nice to catch up.

Melanie, I've started the MEME; which I appreciate the tag for. I'll try to finish it tonight when I'm in a better space and can hopefully get some work done.

Thursday, January 18, 2007 2:22:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I love your title for this post...perfect!
Although I imagine, by now, you've made some sort of decision regarding staying in California vs moving back to Kansas City, I note your almost bubbly mood toward the end of your post...thus, I think, whatever you decide, you'll be able to not only live with it, but will be glad, eventually, that you chose whatever path it is upon which you are about to decide.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 2:03:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I certainly haven't decided anything yet. I'm putting it off until I have the draft of my thesis done. I'll probably post about my dilemmas with this before deciding for sure. Right, now I could go both ways.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:43:00 AM  

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