JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Riding the Rollercoaster

My emotions have just been all over the place the last few days. I'll feel great and laugh and a few minutes later start crying. I have no energy at all to work and am having trouble concentrating. I am clearly in the midst of some serious grief work compounded by PTSD.

I'm really struggling with the image of the last time that I saw Grandma. She struggled so much with the disease, and it stole her dignity, which was something highly precious to her. I feel so guilty and helpless that I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening. And, I so desperately don't want it to happen to Mom.

Mom doesn't have a bladder infection after all, but the urine test did show a high blood cell count, which I think means that something is going on. I called Dad back with the suggestion to get her some cranberry. I am having a hard time letting go of all of these little details with Mom and switching gears back to my life here. Part of me really doesn't want to switch gears, and I'm thinking increasingly about moving back to Kansas City for awhile to be able to spend more time with her and help out taking care of her.

Tomorrow night is the Alzheimer's Association showing of "The Notebook." I told *A* that he doesn't have to come with, as there are games on that he wants to watch and the seats are really uncomfortable at the theatre, and we don't have aisle seats. Now, I'm not quite sure what to do with it though: Should I go alone? Should I not go at all? Who could I get to go with me? The whole thing hits this very vulnerable spot - a movie about Alzheimer's and a romantic friendship. Plus, I've just had Kathy tell me that I expect too much of friends, which hits my low self-esteem, so now I wary of asking for things from friends. Anyway, now I've made too much of a deal of it with *A*, and I've brought up all of these issues that I don't want to deal with.

Things aren't all bad and complicated with me though. I had a nice time last night at services with this couple that I know from school. My home is starting to come back together. I connected with my neighbors last night, who hinted that they might be willing to watch my dog next time I leave town. Tonight, I have plans to go to a movie with a friend from school and then maybe to hang out at a coffee shop. Yesterday, I had lunch with *A*, acupunture, and a massage.

I guess my point is, I'm feeling like Mom says she's feeling: "I've got my ups and downs."

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6 Comments:

Blogger Holly said...

Healing is such a slow path but it's nice to look back and see how far you have gone. From what I have read you have come a long way baby! Kudos! Just remember when your in the "down" that there will be an up coming along. Although none of my other family members have shown AD symptoms, I can appreciate how you worry about your mom and knowing what lies ahead for her. It's so disheartening. Hang in there.

Saturday, January 13, 2007 12:03:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Holly! I appreciate your support and your perspective. I forget how far I've come. There have been really few comments on my blog recently, so I especially appreciate your comment.

Saturday, January 13, 2007 2:12:00 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

karma,
My granny passed away when she was 92. She lived a long life but her last 2 years the drs. didn't know what was wrong if anything they thought she was just senile. At her age I guess they figured it really didn't matter at least to them. It doesn't matter what age when a loved one forgets who you are, and you have to rely on someone else to take care of them it just really hurts seeing what they are going through. My Granny out lived her only daughter, she was so strong and independent.
"The Notebook is one of my favorite movies. I don't know how many times I've watched it and cried my eyes out. Sending positive and healing thoughts your way.

Saturday, January 13, 2007 4:17:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks for the positive and healing thoughts Melanie. I love your "Happy Thoughts" blog. I think that you have a similar personality as my mom, which I see reflected in the blog. "The Notebook" is such a good movie. I have seen it once, but its probably a good catharsis to see it again.

Saturday, January 13, 2007 5:39:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Ups and downs. That's the wisdom of age speaking through your mom's lips. Heed it. She's right.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 1:51:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Mom's always are.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:48:00 AM  

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