Riding the Rollercoaster

My emotions have just been all over the place the last few days. I'll feel great and laugh and a few minutes later start crying. I have no energy at all to work and am having trouble concentrating. I am clearly in the midst of some serious grief work compounded by PTSD.

I'm really struggling with the image of the last time that I saw Grandma. She struggled so much with the disease, and it stole her dignity, which was something highly precious to her. I feel so guilty and helpless that I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening. And, I so desperately don't want it to happen to Mom.

Mom doesn't have a bladder infection after all, but the urine test did show a high blood cell count, which I think means that something is going on. I called Dad back with the suggestion to get her some cranberry. I am having a hard time letting go of all of these little details with Mom and switching gears back to my life here. Part of me really doesn't want to switch gears, and I'm thinking increasingly about moving back to Kansas City for awhile to be able to spend more time with her and help out taking care of her.

Tomorrow night is the Alzheimer's Association showing of "The Notebook." I told *A* that he doesn't have to come with, as there are games on that he wants to watch and the seats are really uncomfortable at the theatre, and we don't have aisle seats. Now, I'm not quite sure what to do with it though: Should I go alone? Should I not go at all? Who could I get to go with me? The whole thing hits this very vulnerable spot - a movie about Alzheimer's and a romantic friendship. Plus, I've just had Kathy tell me that I expect too much of friends, which hits my low self-esteem, so now I wary of asking for things from friends. Anyway, now I've made too much of a deal of it with *A*, and I've brought up all of these issues that I don't want to deal with.

Things aren't all bad and complicated with me though. I had a nice time last night at services with this couple that I know from school. My home is starting to come back together. I connected with my neighbors last night, who hinted that they might be willing to watch my dog next time I leave town. Tonight, I have plans to go to a movie with a friend from school and then maybe to hang out at a coffee shop. Yesterday, I had lunch with *A*, acupunture, and a massage.

I guess my point is, I'm feeling like Mom says she's feeling: "I've got my ups and downs."