JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Card From Mom, Thinking Through My Next Steps

I got a card in the mail yesterday from Mom that her cousin helped her with. Mom wrote:
"Dear [Karma]
your daughter
I miss you
Lowse
Love
Mom"

It made me happy to get the card, but a little sad as I pictured the cousin helping Mom. Mom probably said: "What should I write?" Cousin: "How about dear [Karma]?" Mom, as she writes, "Dear [Karma]....whose that?" Cousin: "That's your daughter." Mom writes "your daughter." At the end, Mom would struggle in writing "love", forgetting what she was writing after the "lo." The handwriting is like that of a young child, unsure of herself.

I've been sending Mom cards and postcards. My friend who visited her noted that she'd carry the postcard in her pocket and show it off. Sometimes I wonder how much Mom remembers me and how soon she'll be forgetting. But, I try to focus on enjoying in the moment having her in my life as she is.

Things with Jerry are progressing slowly but surely. I'm having a hard time talking to him about whatever sexual issues there are that need to be discussed. I'm going to try again this weekend. Part of my difficulty is a tendency not to bring my issues into relationships, to try to just take care of the other person and figure that I can live without whatever that thing is for another day. But, I need to bring myself more into this relationship and worry less about how he'll take things and emphasize more what I need. I still worry that this will drive him away, but I guess its a chance that I just have to take.

I'm starting to think about what to do after I finish the MA. I could continue with the degree here, go to Israel to do research, or find some way to go back to Kansas City. I'm not thinking too seriously about it right now, but its in the back of my head.

All in all, I think that I'm generally doing a lot better than I have been. I'm not experiencing the PTSD symptoms that I was and I'm not depressed about Mom and Grandma as I was. Its still hard, but much much easier.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Gail Rae said...

I'm impressed by your compassionate thoughtfulness as you imagined the scenario of your mother writing the card to you, and the ease with which you are now accepting your Mom's situation, regardless of it's potential effect on you. That's called courage, Karma.

And, now, you're looking ahead in possibility instead of exclusively fear.

Grieving works.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

There's still some fear, especially as Mom is forgetting me. But, there is also possibility.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 12:48:00 PM  

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