JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Date: Amazing Night

I haven't been blogging about Jerry much in fear of jinxing it. But, I'm feeling safer and more confident about the whole thing.

We spoke on the phone yesterday to finalize plans, and he offered to pick me up, which I declined, fearing that if he was over at my place alone that I'd push things physcially farther than I should. But, then later I called him and offered to pick him up. Turns out that he lives just around the corner from me.

We're still in that somewhat awkward phase that when we saw each other, there was a moment of - can I kiss you, what I am doing? We had dinner at this Italian place and talked and just gazed at each other. He makes me laugh often, which I really appreciate. Then we saw the movie "Night at the Museum" - which he suggested- but it was a nice change to go to a light hearted movie since I had suggested the "Painted Veil." He put his hand on my knee, and I kept waiting for him to inappropriately be moving his hand around, which I was releaved didn't happen. He just kept it there, solidly but gently.

Then, we went into a bookstore where he asked me if I'm looking for something monogamous and serious because that's what he wants. I was somewhat floored. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it there. We went back to his place, where his roommate was playing games on the tv. He made me chai tea in the kitchen and lit a fire in the fireplace. We sat in front of it, and I told him that I am looking for a real relationship, but explained what's going on with Mom and said that I'm committed to being there for her when she needs me.

We started kissing and kept talking, and I just felt so comfortable. Because both of his roommates at that point were in the living room, we didn't go too far. Although, I REALLY wanted to go farther. When I left around 11pm to take out my dog, he offered to follow me home. He told me to text him what I wanted, which was a nice way of leaving the option open but not pushing me. I texted him about 15 minutes later when the blood flow returned to my head that I didn't want to rush things.

I'm REALLY proud of myself for not letting things go farther physically, even though part of me really wanted to. I'm also proud because it was a decision based on taking care of myself - knowing that I should go to sleep at 11:30 and not knowing if it wouldn't make it harder to sleep with someone else there. It was hard all day, and even now a bit, not just to say screw it, let's just be physical with each other because we're clearly headed there anyway (i.e. I could call him right now and ask him to come over). But, I'm practicing letting things be undefined, flexible, and not getting intimate too quickly but building something slowly over time. This is not something that I usually do in these situations. Usually, I rush into it and then there's this intense relationship for a month which crashes and burns.

The question now is: what is the next step? How long does this going slow thing really take?

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Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

reading this post i said to myself: Thank God my dating days are over.
I really hated all that "what to do-how much to do-when to do-and if i should do stuff all the time"
Not that marriage is a bed of roses, but i find that i am much better at dealing with the problems of marriage than with the vagaries of being single.
bekarov etzlech!

Sunday, January 28, 2007 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Lol, thanks Joe. The vagueness is really hard, especially in projecting things on to the other person. When you have a long term relationship, you actually know the person and have an idea what to expect. Dating is an opportunity, I guess, to practice non-attachment.

Monday, January 29, 2007 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Hmmm...I guess it depends on the speed of the river at this particular point...

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:42:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Sometimes floating drives me that bad? :P

Monday, February 12, 2007 8:54:00 PM  

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