Follow-up on Story From Earlier Tonight: Practice Happiness

So Jerry called me back to apologize or argue, I couldn't quite tell which. He told me that I'm unforgiving and said that I was making it easy to not be my friend. He kept pushing me on what I would want at this point. I don't even know what happened in the conversation, but somehow he came over and brought dinner.

It was an awkward dinner. Lots of awkward pauses. Afterwards, we put in this movie that we had talked about seeing our second date (but Jerry insisted instead that we see "Night at the Museum." Anyway, so after dinner we watched "Painted Veil." I related us to the characters. And so it was hard when the awkward scientist who seemed schmucky ended up being the nice one as opposed to the one who seemed charming. Its a sad movie, and I found myself holding back a lot of tears at the end, a bit embarrassed to cry in front of Jerry, especially since many of the tears are about our lost relationship. I mean, clearly, we're not even going to be friends.

After the movie, I asked him what he thought of it, and all he said was "it was different than what I expected." I said "for me too," and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. When I came down, he had his things together, gave me a hug, and left.

At least, the guy from my first date (Thursday) emailed me (at like 8pm - think he didn't have plans) to talk about our next date. That made me feel less lonely. I honestly think that this is the end of Jerry and me. The last shred of anything that we had. He even mentioned on the phone that its sad to have this all be over, and I agreed. But, nothing's changed. I could be his girlfriend or his friend, and he'll still treat me like crap. I have to choose my dignity, my self, over the relationship. At one point, he actually came out and said that it seems like I'm choosing standing up for myself over our relationship. I told him that this is exactly right; I'm choosing myself over the relationship. (I don't think he realized that its not supposed to be this kind of choice; the relationship should not require me to give up myself.)

This month has been about taking a leap of faith. I have faith that things can be better. I have faith that I will find love again, and when I do, the person that I love will treat me better than this, and I'll find happiness. I believe that the path to happiness will be holding to this faith, having compassion with myself for not having been able to make it work with Jerry, and practicing taking the steps to make it happen. I'll practice dating, practice thinking about what I need, practice asking for what I need, practice giving myself what I need, practice meditating, practice eating healthy and exercising, practice happiness. I'll practice happiness until one day, the happiness will come without so much effort, and I'll be surrounded by its beauty.

AUUGHHH! Another Jerky Jerry Story

I let Jerry know that I was ready to hang out again and asked if he wanted to do something tonight. He said yes and invited me to come over for dinner and then go out and do something. He told me to come over at 6pm. So, I walk Karma over in the heat, wearing clothes for going out later when it'll be cold and carrying the vegetable that he told me to bring. I'm talking to my sister on the way over about how we're not happy with how things are at Mom's place.

And then, there's no one at Jerry's house. He's totally stood me up. I call him, and he doesn't answer his phone. I'm SO annoyed. I had rushed to be there on time, and he's not even there.

So, about 15-20 minutes later, I get a phone call from him. He tells me that he's just leaving the lab and is very hungry. Then he calls me at home and hangs up on the machine. I am so pissed. I am tempted to just not talk to him, but I decide to call him and explain that I'm not coming back over and don't appreciate being treated this way. He expressed being annoyed at first and then tries to back track by explaining that he's had a rough day. Then, he says that he thought that he had said that we'd touch base at 6pm. And its so freaking clear that he's not thought about me at all; I mean he says that he went into this one lab at 5:30 without his phone....Then, he says that he's going to get going (I mean he's already said that he's hungry).

So now I'm stuck at home alone on a Saturday night. I could've gone out again with the first guy or made plans with my neighbors or stayed at the coffee shop longer to work. AND clearly, there's no hope for me and Jerry - not as friends or as lovers. I'm feeling this huge mix of things - frustration, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, confusion (why would he be like this to me and how am I supposed to respond).

He's made me out to be a bitch by not coming back over. But how can I allow him to treat me badly after that's why I left? And what am I supposed to do with my night now? If I go over to my neighbors at this point, is it annoying? Is there any way to not just be sitting at home and brooding over how what happened?

Next Date, Memory Walk

Well, I'm glad that I made it to the Memory Walk. Even though I only really talked with this woman I had met at an earlier talk on Alzheimer's who joined my team, I was glad to participate. I was sad though when I saw whole families participating in support of one of their family member's with Alzheimer's. How sad, I thought that my family doesn't come together to do this - not for my Mom, not for Grandma. Maybe next year, I'll try to organize Dad, my sister and her family, Mom's cousin, and whomever else I can drag up to all do it together. And Mom, of course, if she's still around.

The date tonight was funny. The guy has this nervous energy and can't stop twitching his legs. He smokes, drinks A LOT (so he says), is bipolar, does drugs (or at least pot so he mentions), is kinda anti-Israel, has a 21 year old kid, and hmmm....what else is there? I mean there's something sexy about him and I think I'll keep an open mind about him enough to meet him once more just to see what comes up BUT it was humorous how off the whole thing was. He even laughed about how he was saying all the wrong things for a first date.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to hang out with Jerry, which should be interesting. I also emailed back the other date that I had and asked if we could put off seeing each other til next weekend because this week is packed. I didn't mention that I'm meeting a third guy. The guy that I REALLY want to meet lives about an hour away and doesn't seem so interested in driving in for a date, but I'm loving having these dates just about practicing first dates and getting out. It takes all the pressure off of it having to go anywhere or trying to get the guy to see me in a certain way. I couldn't help tonight though thinking that I'd rather be on a date with a woman!

Bit of a Rollercoaster

Up
So three days ago, I emailed Jerry and asked if we could give each other back our stuff. I felt weird with him having the key to my house AND this very important book of my neighbors. So, he practically jumped at the chance to see me, although I put it off a day because I had plans to have dinner with a friend. In his emails, he hinted about getting back together.

I didn't know what to expect - would he want to get back together or would he become verbally abusive towards me or maybe even both. But, it was wonderful. We got to talk through (calmly and openly) what happened that made us break up. It was like a relationship autopsy that I had been reading about in Sark's Transformation Soup. He acknowledged a lot of the stuff that I had been struggling to get him to see for weeks. He admitted that he needed to work on himself. He even said that he just misunderstood what I had been asking for - and said that he probably would have agreed to 10 weeks of therapy; he just thought that I was asking him to go for two years. I don't know where he got that I was asking for 2 years.

We found many reasons why it didn't work between us - that we want different things from a relationship (he wants someone to challenge him and I want someone to be emotionally supportive), our religious differences, etc. And we kind of honored those.

Don't get me wrong; it was a very difficult process. I could barely look at him to hold back the tears. I told him, and when he asked why, I explained that even though I am proud of the decision that I made to break up, it is still hard.

He asked if we could have make up sex, and I said no, but that we could have break up sex. So we did. And it felt incredible. Free. Passionate. We knew it would probably be the last time, and so put all of our energy and passion about each other into it. When it was over, we would have normally snuggled for awhile. I immediately got out of bed, and I told him that he couldn't spend the night. I left the room and started to cry a bit. I felt so close to him, but I knew that I had to let him go.

We chatted some more downstairs, until finally I encouraged him to leave after 11pm. He told me that we'll still be friends and to call if I need him like to fix a toilet or something. When he left, I went right to bed, did the Stresseraser a bit and had the best night's sleep in a week.

Down
So, I had been hoping to take some sort of vacation and am desperate to get out of town. Yesterday, I met with my advisor, and she sort of squashed that though because apparently I don't have the time. We never directly talked about vacation, but I'm clearly behind from our conversation.

Then, I went to therapy where my therapist told me that she didn't think dating right away is a good idea - squashing this coping mechanism I've been using of going onto an online dating website. Seeing that there are options out there has made me feel really better about the whole situation with Jerry.....but she said that I should focus on getting at the core of the issues with Jerry before moving on. I may have convinced her that I am ready to casually date, but it just made me feel not so secure about my process of healing.

I have had plans with A and his girlfriend to go to this event at the museum. They show up late, and since the event is sold out, people keep coming up to me and asking if they can buy my tickets. I really have to go use the bathroom, but I can't go in without them because I have their ticket. So, eventually, I see them casually walking down the street and stopping to window shop. I'm pretty annoyed because I'm feeling very awkward and uncomfortable outside by myself in the midst of the whole scene.

Neither of them talk to me much, although at one point I hear them talking about me. [Did you pay her back for the ticket? No, I'm just seeing her right now. I'll get her a drink.] Then, the girlfriend and I make our way to the bathroom, and she asks me "so what did you do this week?" It feels awkward, and I'm annoyed that she doesn't acknowledge that I'm going through a break-up. I don't want to have to scream about it, so I just say "not much."

That's all she really says to me that evening. She mostly just talks to A, making me feel like a third wheel. There are couples taking pictures in one room, and she is very excited to get a nice picture with A. I say that I'll go check the rest of the place out. Almost everyone is there with friends or in a couple, and as I walk around and check out the art work, no one talks to me, although many people give me the once over. I feel very uncomfortable, until I reach a room with live jazz music and this gorgeous Monet. Finally, I think that it has been awhile and feel in the way looking at this one painting as people are trying to make their way past.

So, I go back to A and his girlfriend. They've only made their way halfway up the line by this point. I try to make conversation by asking what they're doing this weekend. A tells me that his parents are coming into town and that they've got plans with them. I'm kinda hurt by this because if my dad came to town, he would want to take A out to dinner, even if I was seeing someone else because we've been friends forever. And, A used to point out that I'm like a member of his family and encourage me to go down (I think to let them think I was his girlfriend). Anyway, I have no plans this weekend, so I'm a little hurt.

I offer to get them more drinks (don't want to be in this loud line of couples). She doesn't want one, but A wants a beer. I go to wait in line for it and run into a friend of his. She gets me a wine instead of him a beer, and its fun for a few minutes to be actually interacting with someone at the event. She tells me that she had brunch with A and his girlfriend, and I can't help it, but I'm wondering why it is that I've been feeling so lonely in town and my best friend doesn't invite me out at all.

Anyway, we go back to find A, and they're in the front of the line. A's friend and her (albeit it gay) date want to get a picture too. I stand on the sidelines while they all do this, feeling very out of place. As A and his girlfriend get their picture taken, everyone around me starts talking bout how great her breasts are. I'm thinking about how I'd rather be here with Jerry. So, when A is done getting pictures, I tell him that he should take my wine because I really can't drink two glasses and am already feeling it (there's also like no appetizers like there normally are so I'm on an empty stomach). He seems annoyed that I didn't get him his beer and says he doesn't want it. I tell him maybe his girlfriend will want it and that I'm just not feeling being there.

I walk away and feel tears well up inside. No one seems to notice me leave. I look at this crowd of people that I have to get through; no one looks familiar or even friendly. When I get to my car, I am really crying. I miss Jerry.

I get home and sit and cry for a bit. The phone rings. And its Jerry. He wants to stop by to check his blood sugar on my machine because he's been worried that maybe he has diabetes....anyway, I tell him to come over. I'm so excited! This is exactly what I want.

He shows up, and I'm overly excited to see him and friendly. I wonder now if he could've seen that I had been crying. Anyway, he says that he can't stay long because he has to go get dinner (which I already scarfed down as soon as I got home). But I offer to make him a sandwich because I don't want to leave. And we open a bottle of beer even though I don't want to be drinking anymore because I want him to stay. When his blood sugar is fine, I tell him that he should spend the night so he can check it again first thing in the morning. I was making such a schmuck of myself. He said that we should take it slow, and eventually left. He did say though that if I asked him to stay that he would. I kissed him as he left.

Then, I pigged out a bit eating more and cried. I couldn't fall asleep and woke up SUPER early and just feel like crap today. My plans for tonight were canceled because my friend is sick meaning that I have NO plans for this weekend at all. I'm tempted to skip town, but I have no where to go and a lot of work to do.

I think that I need to email Jerry and tell him that I can't see him until I work through some more of this. I could go with him Saturday to this wedding we were supposed to go to though and then not be alone all weekend. A hasn't at all bothered to check up on if I'm alright or not, and I really feel like he doesn't care so much about me. I mean that was the first time that he's seen me since the break up, and there was like no acknowledgment that maybe I'm going through a rough time and could use a friend. The sky is filled with ash so I can't even go out for a simple bike ride. In fact, my eyes are burning a bit just sitting inside with all of the windows closed.

My Response to Jerry

Hey Jerry,

I don't know why I keep arguing with you about this stuff. I guess a part of me still hopes that I can just say the right thing and then everything will magically be okay. I know that's not true though.

It is different what you are saying here that I "were being/acting" instead of that I am....At the brew pub, you said that we weren't having a good time because of me. I responded that it takes two to tango and you said no.

I wonder if you accuse me of being verbally abusive as a response to my accusation of you? Or is that something that you really mean? All of your examples are of my responses to your abuse. I have mentioned in this in the past, that there is never a good response that I could give when you get abusive - if I say something, you attack me verbally
if I don't say something, you get angry with me and say that the anger comes out anyway
if I leave, you call me flaky and get angry.
MAYBE you recognize that we had gotten into an unhealthy dynamic and are putting all of the blame on me?

"You even seemed surprised that you would have to pick up your own steak to bbq. Am I correct about that?" No, I didn't expect you to pick up my steak.

I'm not quite sure what you're theory is about why I think that some of your behavior can be verbally abusive. I don't know if your ex-girlfriends not stating to you that they think you have verbally abusive tendencies proves that I'm wrong. If you really want an expert third party opinion, talk to a real expert- someone who is an expert in this area (aka a therapist specializing in these issues).

To some degree, we are both right. Of course, what happened in our relationship was a dynamic created by the both of us. I have clearly have issues that I have to work on. That's why I'm in therapy and study these issues. If we could have come to find a way to work on the issues together, then I think we could move past them. At least that's the theory.

I've done nothing today but cry and futz around. Getting over you will certainly not be easy.

We Broke Up

Jerry and I just broke up. I feel so sad even though I know I had to do it. He made it easy by being his usual verbally abusive self when I got over there. Eight months. I really love him. My heart is broken.

What I Want to Say

Here's what I want to say to Jerry...whenever he decides that he's speaking to me again:

Jerry, we've been together for 8 months, and in that time you've become my friend, my lover, my pain in the neck, my rock. I've grown to love you, to feel safe when you hold me, and to sleep better when you're next to me. I thought that we had come to an understanding in January that you would work on your abusive tendencies. I know that you don't intend to hurt me, but that you've learned to act this way from your father. I've also been working on my co-dependent and enabling tendencies and to speak up when these issues arise instead of brooding over them. I had asked you to seek some sort of therapy to help with this, but you assured me that you could handle it on your own, even though I told you that my fear was that you'd come to resent me for bringing the issues up. I feel like that's what's happened now. You don't seem to agree with me that there's a problem with the way that you're treating me or to take responsibility for changing this.

I will no longer allow myself to be treated like a child, teased, ordered around, or insulted. I would love to be able to stay with you, but I can only do this if you agree that the way that this tendency of being verbally abusive to me is not acceptable and take responsibility for changing it with the assistance of some sort of therapy. If you're not willing to do this, know that I love you, but I can't be with you.

More Verbal Abuse

Augh! I don't know if I would have realized what was going on without some of your comments. But, Jerry has kept up with these negative remarks about me, making fun of me, responding negatively whenever I try to communicate with him, ignoring me when I feel emotional at all about my Mom....

So, I sent him the below email:

I feel like we're in a weird place right now - like there's a lot of tension and fighting. I'm definitely interested in doing whatever I can to work on this. I feel like we haven't been communicating very effectively lately, and I definitely do not want to fight with you. I would be interested in hearing what I can do to communicate more effectively with you.

We've talked about this before, but I want to remind you that you sometimes have a tendency to get verbally abusive. When I confronted you on this in the past and asked you to get therapy to help you with it, you told me that you could handle it on our own. I told you that my fear was that if it was my responsibility to point it out when it happened, then you would come to resent me. I feel like that is happening now - that my choice is either to call you on it and have you resent me or not say anything and have it continue. The verbal abuse hasn't gotten that bad this time, but I would like to stop us down this road.

I want to ask you again to consider trying therapy - not necessarily long term and not about everything in your life; just about this tendency to be verbally abusive. I love you, and I want to be with you. However, I do not want to continue to be verbally abused.

Here is a list of questions that I found online about being verbally abusive. See if you think any of these fit:

Does your partner...
* ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
* ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
* withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
* criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
* humiliate you privately or in public?
* roll his or her eyes when you talk?
* tell you you are too sensitive?
* ignore your feelings?
* disrespect you?
* give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
* hurt you especially when you are down?
* seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
* ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
* seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
* compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
* harass you about imagined affairs?
* question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
* interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
* make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
* try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
* frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

love,

Mom's Alzheimer's is Bad For My Hair

I went to get my hair cut today. I went to this guy who used to cut my hair a year or so ago, but I stopped going to him because he's super expensive, and I've been in Kansas City and all. But, I finally went back today because I've had such a hard time finding someone here to cut my hair.

I pointed out to him that it seems like my hair is getting drier and frizzier. He asked if I've been under any stress, and I noted the situation with Mom. He said that this stress is causing my hair to be dry and frizzy. I find it funny in a sad sort of way.

No one else seems to find this funny. I think I'm shock a little bit about how much everything really is affecting me and that as much as I try to make everything seem okay, it really isn't. The other night with my friends' at dinner, one was talking about how it is weird for her Mom to date. I said that I don't think that I'll have a problem with my Dad dating. That night, I was having nightmares about the whole thing. Yeah, what I said that night was true: I do want my dad to be happy. But, I can't believe that my mom is dying, that my dad is sort of single already. I can't believe that my own mom doesn't know who I am. That I can't go visit my cousins because they don't want to have anything to do with me. That my friend Kathy has cut me out of her life.

Jerry wasn't really being supportive today. He kept teasing me. And when I called him on it, he said that I don't have a good sense of humor. Then, I commented that it makes me feel like he doesn't want to talk to me when he makes phone calls when we get in the car. (He's always on the phone, and a few days ago, he spent the whole car trip on the phone.) He said that I'm too critical of him. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm taking out my sadness and frustration on him.

All I know is that I'm so affected by all of this, its effecting my hair.

Talked It Out: Learning the Tao of Relationships

So I invited Jerry over for dinner tonight and talked it out with him. He seemed like he didn't even need to say anything; that it was understood that we're okay. I told him that I'd like it if he could tell me that he knows I'm going through a hard time and will be there for me AND something about how he feels about me. He (later) hugged me and told me something along the lines of: "I know you're going through a hard time and I'll be there for you as best I can. I really care about you."

I think that I tend to freak out if I don't get what I want or when things don't go the way that I want them to go. I tend to jump to negative conclusions. Part of what I'm learning now is the tao of relationships, I think: to have more maturity about who is "right" and "wrong" (it doesn't matter), to focus on what I'm doing instead of what my partner is or isn't doing, to let go of needing the relationship and focus on enjoying it. (And by saying that I'm learning this - I mean that I'm still in the process of learning this.)

Emotionally Withdrawn Jerry: Another Fight

Jerry has been wanting to go camping at these hot springs ever since we started dating, but the timing never works out. So when my book club got rescheduled for today, I suggested that we take advantage and go. He was futzing around with some friends at a local brewery, so I stopped by at his request. When I mentioned that if we're camping we should get in gear, he sort of made fun of me in front of his friends for yapping. I figured that we wouldn't go. But finally an hour later - like around 6pm, he says that he wants to go.

So I run home to throw some stuff together and take my dog to the doggie sitter's. I get to Jerry's house at 6:45, and he's sitting in the living room chatting with his roommate. I tell him that we gotta go, but he sort of putzes around some more commenting about how I'm nagging or something. Its an hour and a half drive, he says, and I really don't want to get there before dark.

Still, then he says that we need to pick up a pass and some food before we go. We arrive as the sun is setting and because some of the camp sites are closed, we end up driving in the dark. When we find an open camp site, I suggest that we make camp and find our way to the springs in the morning, but Jerry insists on keeping driving and then hiking to where he says he thinks the springs are. He gives me a flashlight, tells me to grab my towel and put away my sweatshirt and we go.

I'm cold and not feeling comfortable hiking in the dark somewhere I've never been before. I suggest to Jerry that we make a time to go back if we don't find anything - because we've brought no water, I'm cold, and it doesn't seem like we even know where we're going. We finally arrive to the end of the road, and there's no visible path. We stumble along, my following Jerry. I tell Jerry that I'm uncomfortable, but he's like not really hearing me; he's determined to get to the springs, which we can now hear.

So he goes off by himself for awhile. I hear this squeaky noise like a rat or something and just really freaked out that I don't know where I am, its dark, and I'm just feeling really powerless. So, I sit down and have a little cry.

Jerry comes back and leads me to the springs. Jerry apologizes for me getting scared, but kinda in a laughing at me sort of way. As I get into the springs, he goes off again to relieve himself, and I'm sitting naked in the springs (which are too hot to really sit in). When he returns, I try to make everything be okay and come over to him and kiss him. But everything feels awkward and just wrong. I get out and just start to really cry. I look up at the sky and think about how powerless I am with what's happening with Mom. Feeling powerless before just tapped into my feeling powerless about everything.

Jerry asks me what's wrong, and finally I tell him, after a little prodding. He doesn't really respond at all and then like tries to lightly change the topic of conversation. I'm feeling so put off at this point, that I get dressed and walk back to the road by myself, just taking some time to put myself together.

When Jerry gets back, he's now angry for leaving him. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him that he seems to freak out whenever I get emotional. He says that this is how he always is and why is it a big deal all of a sudden. After being really ready for him to just hold me for awhile, he basically says that he can't deal with anything emotional. He doesn't say why or that this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me or ANYTHING. He seems annoyed with me too, and we walk back mostly in silence.

As we put up the tent, he is barking orders at me and telling me that I'm doing things wrong. Then, when he gets in the tent, he just passes out asleep. So, I'm left there feeling emotional, hurt, and really lonely.

We kinda fought a little more this morning again. He kept barking orders at me, telling me I'm dong things wrong, and then expecting me to be having a good time. On the car ride back, he told me that he's annoyed with me for choosing to fight on the camping trip. I told him that I didn't choose to get sad. I don't even know what all was said. All I know is that I feel like he doesn't really care about me, like he's closed off emotionally, and like I'm supposed to be pretending....I don't know what the hell is going on, just that its all off.

Jerry's Home; Get to Teach MY Class

Jerry finally made it home yesterday, and it felt so good to see him. And to finally be able to have sex again. When we were sitting and talking last night, I felt myself want to burst out crying and tell Jerry about how bad things were with Mom. I kept it in though and noshed on Jerry's french fries and drank some beer to comfort me instead. I didn't want to overwhelm him his first day back. He was talking about getting offered to go back to China again next month already; and I told him that I can't leave the country with things with Mom the way they are. I'd be really sad if he left again, although I know that I need to let him do whatever he needs to do.

I got a job offer today to teach this class that I put together years ago on sexual violence. I'm REALLY excited about it - basically teaching this class is the reason that I am going to become a professor. Its a great opportunity too because the department rarely lets grad students come up with their own classes.

Dad called me today all riled up about some parking spot spiel with my Grandma's condo. I think my sister is trying to egg him on with this. I just tried to calm the situation. I may make a call on his behalf, but hopefully in a couple months, everything with the estate will be settled.

Why I Love Jerry

I realize reading many of your comments that I haven't described to you what it is about Jerry that makes me want to be with him. I share my frustrations and hard times here, but not the everyday nice things that happen. So, I figure that maybe this will be good for the both of us - for you to fill you and for me to distract me from preparing for my class this afternoon.

Here's why I love Jerry:

1. He's become a very good friend. Jerry is the person on a day to day basis who cares how my day has gone and if I've eaten well and how I feel. If I need something, Jerry's there to help me with it. He's very caring and makes me feel very taken care of. That's a big one actually, and deserves its own number here.
2. Jerry is always doing things to take care of me. He built me a new computer and got it all set up with software and stuff. He installed an automatic watering system on both my porches. He is always making me dinner or blueberry pancakes or yerba matte or something. He gave me his old tv and dvd player (with both work fine, they just use Jerry's roommate's stuff at his house) without taking money for them. When I was sick, he went to pick stuff up for me at the store, even though I said I didn't need it.
   
3. Jerry doesn't make promises that he can't keep. If he even says that he'll do something, he tries to follow through, even if its something that he later decides that he doesn't want to do. He's very trustworthy.
4. Jerry makes me laugh.
5. Jerry's very intelligent, but also very down to earth and open minded. He isn't snobbish about how smart he is and is one of the few grad students I know who likes to hang out with non-intellectuals. He has different sides to him including being able to make or fix just about anything.
6. Jerry's adventurous, so life with him always feel like an adventure. He loves traveling to different countries especially and being outdoors (something that we share). It also makes him up for trying new things.
   
7. Jerry's a good person. This sounds like a little thing, but I think it is actually very rare. Jerry has heart; he's very sweet. He enjoys doing things for other people and feeling connected to others. He's also a person who realizes that he's not "done", and is clearly trying to make himself a better person over a time.
8. I sometimes get this reactionary fear response and have a hard time raising my arms to hug him, and he's always very gentle but persistent about getting me to trust him enough to hug him.
9. Jerry is much more mature of a person than I'm use to being with, and I'm learning a lot about how to be with a person from him. He is generally very calm, and when I start to get emotionally freaked out, I generally know that I can lean on him to be much more level headed about it. He doesn't get scared off easily by things that other guys do or by rough times. He also really tries to make things work with us. He's certainly making an effort about how he treats me. He's been reading this book that I gave him towards the beginning of our relationship about tantric sex (a lot of guys won't read books you give them), and he seems to be making an effort in that whole department to meet me halfway.
   
10. Jerry really savors life; he knows what it means to suck the marrow out of life. It helps me to do the same just to be around him.
    

When Dependence Sneaks In

Jerry left for China yesterday bright and early. I hardly got to see him before he left because he was so busy getting ready, and I was stuck at home with a multi-day migraine. I still had the migraine when I woke up at 5:30am to take him to the airport, and he was running so late that we didn't even really get to talk, although he did give me a lovely kiss goodbye.

This has been a transition week - I finished Spring Quarter work and am moving on to prepare for the class that I'm teaching this summer (aka starting Monday - its the first class I've ever taught as the "professor"). Jerry's gone now for three weeks. I'm completely finished with all required coursework for my PhD. And I'm working on this book chapter with my research team that will be published with MY name on it. Its also a transition week because I'm at this critical point with my relationship with Jerry (and not because of anything about Jerry).

I knew that when Jerry left town that I would have time to focus on other relationships in my life that have been neglected and would have all of this time for myself. What I didn't realize was how sad and scared I would feel. And a lot of these feelings are more about me and my patterns then they are about Jerry.

I was raised with the notion that women can't do things on their own...because they're incapable, because the world is a dangerous place, and because its just bad to be alone. Augh all of these stupid ideas that logically mean nothing to me. But, here I am now without this man, and I feel it all. I had noticed my sister get this way when she was away from her boyfriend/husband and certainly noticed it with my mom. I always feared that I would lose my independence to a relationship, which is in part why I've always bailed out pretty early on.

I know that part of why I'm feeling this all know is due to how I've let things been over the last half year that I've been dating Jerry. I've not paid proper attention to my local friends or to building friendship relationships in the way that I should. For example, I spent last night with *A* who I haven't hung out much with since I've been dating Jerry. And tonight, I'm hanging out with my neighbors, which I think is only the second time that we've done this since I started dating Jerry. I just so easily put things aside in lieu of spending time with Jerry.

I realize now that even after Jerry comes back, I need to be careful to spend enough time with friends without Jerry. Its really hard - I don't have the kind of friendships here that I wish I had. And I've really been enjoying having this no muss no fuss, no need to make plans too far in advance guy to do things with. All of a sudden, I'm trying to schedule meetings with friends weeks in advance, and I get left with this little pang of fear of being alone.

I was reading last night in this book about the enneagram. I'm likely a six, which means that I'm someone who experiences a lot of fear in particular about trust, in part because of deep trauma. I'm always preparing for the worst case scenario or to get hurt....Now granted, I've become a lot better about these things over time, but I still see how these are somewhat my issues.

The Jewbu path at this point is to recognize the fear when it comes and to just sit with it. Instead of trying to cover it up or pretend like it doesn't exist, I need to just acknowledge the fear and why its here, and then let it pass. I feel sad and afraid because Jerry's gone and I've grown too dependent on him. So, I'll just sit with this feeling as well as take little steps to become more independent and connected with other people.

The Dealbreaker

I don't know how it came up, but somehow Jerry mentioned yesterday that he wants to have any future children baptised. I said something along the lines of hell no. Well, more diplomatically, I actually said something about being Jewish and needing all of my children to be raised Jewish so no. Jerry said that this is a dealbreaker for him.

Later I pushed him a bit on the topic, asking him if the baptism thing is important in order to keep the kids from going to hell. He said that it was related to that. I asked him if he thinks I'm going to hell, and he kinda skirted around the issue by pointing out that I don't believe in hell. That's not the point though; the point is how he sees me.

The whole thing makes me really nervous. Is this going to be what breaks us up? Are we going to break up? If we don't, will this be a point of fighting our whole lives?

I asked my advisor for advice today. She suggested that the baptism doesn't mean much and that I should negotiate that he can have the baptism in exchange for an exclusively Jewish education. She says the kid will never remember the baptism.

Then, I looked online, and it seems like the overwhelming opinion is that you need to pick a religion to raise your kid with, and that if you baptise a Jewish kid, they'll know, and it'll impact their identity. I forwarded a bunch of this stuff to Jerry, whose probably thinking "oh jeez." Anyway, another article spoke about creating more non-denominational baby naming/welcoming ceremonies. Augh! Such stress! But, writing it down in the blog does take a little of the weight off my shoulders.

Good Day, Sunshine Part II

Though it was foggy when I woke up this morning, the sun is shining now. Jerry spent hours last night putting together this new computer (in parts) that he helped me pick out for around $400 including shipping. Its supposedly very fast and wonderful, and my old computer has a lot of glitches. It was sweet to see him spend his whole evening doing this thing for me. Of course, he still has to load all of the software onto it, and the whole thing is just sitting on my dining room table taking up a lot of space - but that's okay.

Things have been really great recently between Jerry and me. Clearly, he's making a very big effort from how things were before. Thanks to the idea from Joe, when Jerry's brother was here last weekend, I brought a hammer and big nails with me. He got embarrassed, I think, and I don't expect to hear any more of those comments.

I had a great time last Saturday at a cocktail party that a friend of mine threw at her house for her birthday. It was fun to get dressed up (I wore the dress from the wedding after finally getting the straps shortened so it fit me better), and I got a lot of positive attention from my lesbian friends acknowledging that I have a nice chest. It made me feel beautiful and sexy in ways which I hadn't in awhile.

Thursday is Jerry's birthday, and Friday I'll take him out to this amazing spa resort place he's wanted to go to -- for couple's massage, hanging out at the pool/spa area, and dinner at their top line restaurant.

I've got tons of work to do, but it feels good to be this productive. I am getting really amazing feedback so far on everything that I'm doing too - my research team asked me to be an author on this book chapter that they're getting published (deadline is July 1).

Also, I'm looking forward to the upcoming visit to Kansas City, to be able to see my mom. I called her a couple of days ago, and she was so excited when I told her I was coming. I stayed on the phone with her (its cordless) while she tried to find a staff member to return it to. She just kept humming and singing to herself ("I'm glad you're coming"..."I'll talk to you later."). It was very cute; I'm glad that she's able to comfort herself. On not so happy news though - Dad noticed that someone had ripped the mezzuzah off her door and the scroll is completely gone! Dad is really upset that someone would do that, but I'm at least happy that he went to replace it and got a kosher scroll. (When Mom moved in, he said she didn't need a mezzuzah at all, so I had to take care of it.)

Brought Up Therapy

Augh what an emotionally draining night! Or whole day or.....well, it started last night:

Jerry and I met *A* downtown for this art night. Its hard to get Jerry and *A* to communicate with each other. Finally, Jerry's friend Bob comes and meets up with us, and then *A* leaves to go hang out at this bar he's always at. I had too much to drink and had been pushing for awhile to eat something and/or go home. Jerry and Bob want to go to this one restaurant where they're having $3 margaritas. We don't end up really eating dinner until like 9ish, which is super bad for my digestion and Jerry wanted to get this dish with a lot of cream sauce which is also bad for my digestion, but I'm so exhausted at this point; I just want to eat.

Bob and I have very little in common. He makes some comment towards the end of dinner making fun of certain people as "retarded." I decide not to challenge him on the use of the term because I don't want to make trouble with Jerry.

After we say goodnight to Bob, Jerry makes a comment that I seemed cold to Bob. I say that I didn't appreciate that "retarded" comment. Jerry asks why I would care at all about the comment. I explain that I'm especially sensitive to that sort of comment because I had a sister who was born before I was, who didn't live long, and who was severely mentally handicapped. Jerry: "you didn't even know your sister." He also commented that he likes Bob because Bob is uncensored.

I've told very few people about this sister who died, and I was really hurt the way that he snapped that comment at me. I didn't know what to say and I certainly wasn't up for hearing anything more like that, so I just shut up. I certainly felt very censored by both Bob and Jerry.

Today, things were somewhat awkward with Jerry. He almost started this fight with me over email about plans for tomorrow. My friend is having a birthday and has organized a group of women to go for a hike in the morning and then a formal party (black tie sort of thing) at her house. I had mentioned this to Jerry awhile ago and he didn't seem that into, plus his brother is in from out of town. So anyway, I just assumed that I'd go by myself and he'd hang out with his brother. But, when I said that in an email, he was all jumping down my throught until finally I called him and sorted it out.

Then, he came with me tonight to Costco. I bought a chicken which we had for dinner. I mentioned my thought about therapy and offered to make him the deal of starting to shave my legs. He laughed, which I thought was good, but then he started this whole huge conversation/argument which lasted for 2-3 hours in which he basically said at different points that he thinks that the issue is more my being sensitive than him being verbally abusive, that our relationship is taking more work than he's ever had to put into a relationship and maybe its not worth it, that he doesn't find counseling worthwhile in general (he did couple's counseling with a previous girlfriend and thought it didn't help)....Augh!

Then, he said he wanted to go home (understandably its his roommates birthday; although he didn't invite me back). I asked how we were leaving things, and he posed the question back to me. I told him that I was willing to work on confronting him when issues arise and asked that when I do that he say something along the lines of "thanks for bringing that to my attention; I care about you and will try to work on that." I kept suggesting over and over that I could use some affirmation - all he could give me is that I'm "a cool girl." I told him that I love him and have faith that we can work things out.

Honestly, at this point, I really don't know. He went on and on at the end about how scientists (like him) are just different than social scientists (like me). I tried to get physically close with him, giving him a kiss and a snuggle, but I felt all of this distance from him. I feel like at this point, I have given this my all, and I've tried everything that I could possibly try. I opened up so much tonight and made myself so vulerable, and I don't feel like he was willing to do the same in return. He did a bit - openning up about the past experience with therapy and that some other ex had mentioned not feeling respected by him BUT he won't give me anything about how he feels about me (other than he feels frustrated) and even tonight he said certain things in a demeaning way and still had the nerve to make fun of me (which I pointed out to him, per his request).

Tomorrow, he'll be hanging out with his brother. I don't know if we'll even have any alone time at all this weekend; we certainly have no plans. Things between us are crap, and I feel like he doesn't really care. I WILL NOT let myself be this man's doormat. I love him, but he clearly does not love me in return. I'm going to keep trying to make things work with him, but this I vow to myself, if he doesn't make some real effort to stop being verbally abusive with me and this continues, I will leave him and not have anything to regret.

Jerry's Verbally Abusive Tendencies

Ah what a scary realization. Jerry and I actually half broke up and then got back together last weekend over this. And then, he said he'd make a change. Last night was a bit verbally abusive again and then finally said he was sorry and would stop. But, I see a cycle here starting, and I think we may be in serious trouble.

Jerry's personality is such that he's often cracking jokes and making fun of people a bit. This isn't uncommon for a guy to do with me. When I mentioned it to *A*, he noted that he's always making fun of me. The thing is that there's a line - there's a line between joking around with someone and pointing out things that you DO find different and can't relate to. There's a line between joking and saying things that you really feel. Well, at least that was my first realization.

My next realization is that when Jerry has a bad day, he'll often take it out on me, and I've become somewhat skiddish and afraid around him. He'll make comments or jokes that are way over the line from friendly to seriously offensive. He'll tell me to not be so sensitive and get frustrated with me when I point it out. Sometimes, his voice raises and he gets this angry tone and can be consdencending. I don't think that he even realizes what he says when he gets like this, because when we discuss it later, he denies ever saying those things.

My dad would get verbally abusive with us, and I'm really sensitive to this sort of thing. I spoke about with Jerry that if we can both work past this, it could be really healthy for me, but if he continues to be verbally abusive to me, it would be VERY unhealthy for me and I'd have to leave the relationship.

I feel like he has these Jekell and Hyde parts to him though - sometimes he seems to understand and be very sweet and like he's trying and other times he seems to not have any idea what I'm saying and be angry and frustrated with me.

I really love this man, and I don't want to leave him. I'm tempted to try to get him to go to therapy. But, maybe I can't change him and I need to leave. Augh! This is so hard. I'm actually feeling somewhat shakey today because of it.

Took Jerry to Rabbi's House; Another Year of Grad School

Well, Jerry and I made up. Things are really great between us again. He even came yesterday to a lecture that I gave on rape culture and then came with me to a synagogue function for new members, dinner at the Rabbi's house. So, picture this - they make us all sit in the living room and go around the room and talk about our connection to Judaism and our Jewish selves. Jerry and I just looked at each other and laughed to ourselves. Luckily, he had a sense of humor about the whole thing, even the part later when we had to sit down again after dinner and hear about the basics of Judaism.

Anyway, I got an email from my advisor telling me that I have 2 instead of 1 year left of graduate school. She had a calendar, so how could I argue? Anyway, I guess that's not so bad, but it also shows that I can't really go to Kansas City next year. I'll have to settle for just going on visits here and there, maybe even being able to take a month or something every once in awhile. The good news is that its flexible, so that I can take time off without a lot of notice depending on how things are with my family.

I hear that Mom's continuing to worsen - getting more incontinent and forgetting more and more. She's not so able to make complete sentences even sometimes.

Jerry and I Had a Fight, Visit From Z's Sister

Augh, I am so frustrated. Z's sister came to stay with me for a couple of days because she's thinking about moving to town. I've been sleeping over at Jerry's house. Last night, the second night that I slept over, I was just completely exhausted. I noticed that Jerry was falling asleep himself on the couch, and I suggested that we go to bed. Jerry said no and continued to pass out.

So, I just got up and got myself ready for bed. I came back and told Jerry that I'm going to sleep and he said, "I'm right behind you." But clearly he had no intention of getting up. So, I just tried to go to sleep on my own. The room was super cold, so finally I went back and woke Jerry up and asked him for a sweatshirt. I also got him a glass of water. He told me to just get the shirt myself and fell back asleep. I'm kinda annoyed at this point, but I get the shirt, get into bed, and then hear the rattle of his computer still being on. Realize that everytime I get into bed, I have to climb up on this bunk bed thing - he's got his office underneath his bed. So, I turn the computer off - - or try to - - the noise doesn't seem to stop. I just fall asleep on my own, which isn't so easy because I've got these frustrated feelings.

I am awoken at 5am when Jerry, who at some point got into bed, was annoyed by the sound of his computer. He starts turning on lights and asking me accusatively "did you turn off my computer?" He tells me that I shouldn't have done that. Finally, I half asleep go to the bathroom. When I come back, the lights are still on and he's still trying to talk to me (and in that same tone). I say, "I'll just go sleep on the couch. Is there a blanket there?" He says no there's not and that I'm being ridiculous and doesn't let me down the stairs of the bed. Augh! At least, he comes back up to bed.

In the morning, he's fussy with me again about the computer and did I do this and telling me that I have bad morning breath. He was just being mean. I started to get dressed and said that I was going home. Jerry: "Don't leave mad." So, I sat down and tried to talk with him, but he wouldn't lose his condescending tone. So, I got my stuff together more to leave. Jerry said: "I'm going to the bathroom." He didn't say goodbye or anything; it was like he just wanted a break before talking. But, he was in there for ages and then comes out and doesn't even acknowledge me.

Augh! When I got in the car, I see that from a road trip he had wanted to take I have no gas in my car, so I go to the ridiculously expensive gas station across the street (even though I had asked him last night to stop for gas). As I think about everything, I realize how much of the interaction has tapped into growing up with a dad who was verbally abusive.

So, when I get home, I email Jerry saying that I would like to talk things out with him but that I need "respecting each other" to be a ground rule. I explain why I am so sensitive about being criticised and condescending tones. I texted him to let him know that I sent him an email message. AND I HAVE NOT HEARD BACK.

Anyway, here's the thing about Z's sister. She is so much like Z! And it was so wonderful talking with her about issues of spirituality and the meaning of life and things that I don't often get to talk about. I miss Israel so much. She said that what happened with Z is probably just a man/woman thing - guys have one night stands and maybe it means something to them that night but then they forget about it. Augh!

I'm going to go work out and try and let go of some of this anger and frustration.