Patience, Recovering, and Plugging Away

I'm tired, still recovering from having Jerry spend the night since I don't sleep as well with him here. Last night, I went out to my Sunday study group and came home to have a new entertainment center/armoir put together, but left in front of my old one with the tv on it. Somehow on my own, I managed to switch them out, but it took all of my stregnth and kinda brought me to my point of limitations. I was tempted to call Jerry for help, but felt really strongly about wanting to not be dependent upon the new guy.

I'm still plugging away at my thesis. I'm close to 100 pages now. I go from just having it flow out of me to feeling like I'm pulling teeth a little bit. But, nothing like last year where I couldn't concentrate at all because of PTSD. It is nice to be close to done.

My sister finally called me back today. She was trying to get my sympathy about the phone conversation she had with Dad, but I just kept my mouth shut. I mean, she is looking at everything backwards it seems. She said that she'll want to go straight into a new house if they move, without any mention of how they'd afford that or acknowledgement that the selling market is bad now. My sister admitted that she hasn't put much effort yet into her selling cosmetics business and that her husband wouldn't take a job outside of his area and that he likely isn't going to get one there, but they're just going to keep waiting and see what happens.

I know that I have to have some conversations with Jerry about sexuality stuff, to explain probably my whole theory about rape culture and sexuality, which I can tell he's not going to be into, and I don't know how to bring up the topic of sexuality without insulting his manhood. I get the sense that when I told him my story about having been raped and about what's going on with my mom that he's kinda like a deer in headlights. I understand that this stuff kinda hits him out of the blue, but part of it makes me feel more separated from him. I don't know how to explain this.

Here's what I want: I want to be able to express my sexuality in a way that doesn't follow traditional notions of gender - that's about me being with another person not me playing out the role of woman with a guy playing out the role of "man". I want to be able to connect about real things, deep things. I also just want to keep going on with Jerry, having patience, and enjoying the companionship that our relationship provides. I also want to find a hair stylist that knows what to do with Jewish hair, but that's a whole nother story.