JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Patience, Recovering, and Plugging Away

I'm tired, still recovering from having Jerry spend the night since I don't sleep as well with him here. Last night, I went out to my Sunday study group and came home to have a new entertainment center/armoir put together, but left in front of my old one with the tv on it. Somehow on my own, I managed to switch them out, but it took all of my stregnth and kinda brought me to my point of limitations. I was tempted to call Jerry for help, but felt really strongly about wanting to not be dependent upon the new guy.

I'm still plugging away at my thesis. I'm close to 100 pages now. I go from just having it flow out of me to feeling like I'm pulling teeth a little bit. But, nothing like last year where I couldn't concentrate at all because of PTSD. It is nice to be close to done.

My sister finally called me back today. She was trying to get my sympathy about the phone conversation she had with Dad, but I just kept my mouth shut. I mean, she is looking at everything backwards it seems. She said that she'll want to go straight into a new house if they move, without any mention of how they'd afford that or acknowledgement that the selling market is bad now. My sister admitted that she hasn't put much effort yet into her selling cosmetics business and that her husband wouldn't take a job outside of his area and that he likely isn't going to get one there, but they're just going to keep waiting and see what happens.

I know that I have to have some conversations with Jerry about sexuality stuff, to explain probably my whole theory about rape culture and sexuality, which I can tell he's not going to be into, and I don't know how to bring up the topic of sexuality without insulting his manhood. I get the sense that when I told him my story about having been raped and about what's going on with my mom that he's kinda like a deer in headlights. I understand that this stuff kinda hits him out of the blue, but part of it makes me feel more separated from him. I don't know how to explain this.

Here's what I want: I want to be able to express my sexuality in a way that doesn't follow traditional notions of gender - that's about me being with another person not me playing out the role of woman with a guy playing out the role of "man". I want to be able to connect about real things, deep things. I also just want to keep going on with Jerry, having patience, and enjoying the companionship that our relationship provides. I also want to find a hair stylist that knows what to do with Jewish hair, but that's a whole nother story.

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Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

sounds like youre doing some thinking and working through. I hope you can talk to jerry a bit more

Tuesday, February 06, 2007 7:21:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Yeah puddles, need to talk to Jerry. I'm learning patience though, to not feel like the issues mean that I have to run away, and that at least is a good thing. And also to not need to have the issue resolved right away, like I can work on it with him over time. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007 7:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck karma, patience really is the key - I tend to get agitated having to re-repeat myself and I'm trying to learn how to better resolve issues over time, vs. immediately. Sending good luck your way. Love, S.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007 8:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I must also ask, what is it about Jewish hair that is difficult to style? I know your hair is curly and that's a factor also. Just curious. S.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Because it is so coarse and dry, a lot of things that are done to curly hair don't work for Jewish hair like mine.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007 8:21:00 AM  
Blogger Shari said...

I always think it's important to be upfront early in a new relationship. I think it's better taht way. No pussyfooting around. If he takes off, you didn't waste time. When I got divorced and started dating again, I told my dates on the first date about my condition. I didn't want to waste time if he couldn't deal with it. Patience is key, too.

Good luck, Karma.

Thursday, February 08, 2007 9:03:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Well, I had the upfront thing down but the patience thing not so much. Now I'm trying to find the balance. Thanks for the comment Shari; I appreciate it.

Thursday, February 08, 2007 9:51:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Somehow, I think it's going to be easier to find the right hair stylist than to find a sympathetic mate!

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Erm- so is my hair not Jewish?!

- I think there are categories. I probably have Litvak hair and you have Yekke Hair :)

Sunday, February 11, 2007 5:31:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Lol, actually I wish I had yekke hair, but I think I the Russian side of my family won out on that one.

Monday, February 12, 2007 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Gail, I was hoping the other way around because I've had very bad luck with hair stylists!

Monday, February 12, 2007 6:33:00 PM  

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