JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

And the Anxiety Appears

After I wrote last post, I've noticed this underlying anxiety that I'm feeling. I really like Jerry, and I'm frightened by that. I just SO could not take getting my heart broken right now. And, I'm sure this is what I do all the time to mess up relationships; get anxious about them and through my anxiety, set it up to fail. Dating is so hard; jeez!

I think that the path is to just sit with the anxiety and not do things to cover it up - like getting too physical too fast or getting too emotionally attached too fast. One of the hard things about this is that there aren't people here that I can really talk to about this sort of thing who would keep me on track. But, thanks to all you blogger readers who send comments. In the end though, it is my responsibility to keep myself on the path. I just have to think of it as a practice that I do daily and not get too wrapped up about what might happen in the future or pain from my past.

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Anonymous MW said...

It sounds like you could use more happiness. Whether a real relationship develops with Jerry or not, you should be in a state of happiness. Are you?

Sunday, January 28, 2007 8:37:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

When I'm with him, I'm happy. I think that feeling that happiness is what really scared me. I missed feeling that.

Sunday, January 28, 2007 9:03:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I'm honored, MW, that you came to check out my page. I like your blog.

And, I do realize that I have to figure out how to bring myself to a state of happiness without dependence on another person. That is my quest.

Sunday, January 28, 2007 9:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh I can't help but feel a feeling of happiness enter me when I read your post about being happy. I totally sympathize with the feeling of fear of having such a happy feeling. It's a more alive feeling and it's something you don't want to end. Enjoy yourself, taking it slow is well worth it, esp. with someone who wants to have an actual relationship! I'm so proud of you I'm beaming, I want you to float on this feeling for a while.

Love you, S.

Monday, January 29, 2007 7:23:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Aw, thanks S :)
YEs, take it slow.

Monday, January 29, 2007 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

This is so exciting!
I was wondering - what's your gut feeling? Can you live without this guy?

Monday, January 29, 2007 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Of course I can LIVE without him. I get on some level that I have a lot to learn about this guy and that building a relationship takes time.

But, when I'm with him, with the exception of some butterflies, I feel really comfortable and happy when I'm with him. And when I'm away from him, I miss him. My gut tells me that I want this guy in my life.

Monday, January 29, 2007 10:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Oh Karma, I'm wishing the best for you. It sounds like you are off to a good start with Jerry, finding a balance between giving in and holding back. That's so hard to do and, yes, dating is hard. I know it feels vulnerable to find yourself attracted to someone, but I can't imagine you compromising everything just to have a boyfriend. You're too reflective, too smart. Trust yourself.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007 6:09:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Well, this blog hasn't been around long enough to chronicle that, but it does tend to happen. And, I also have such a thing about it that I compromise on some things and then freak out about it and give up on the relationship too quick....but imagine my life (Mom has Alzheimer's, PTSD,desire to maybe return to Israel one day to live, Jewish, puts everything into career, getting over all this death stuff) - for someone else to fit into it, there have to be a lot of compromises. But, thanks for the wishful thinking Deb. I've missed your comments.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007 6:41:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

When you hit rapids, float, don't swim.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:44:00 AM  

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