When Dependence Sneaks In

Jerry left for China yesterday bright and early. I hardly got to see him before he left because he was so busy getting ready, and I was stuck at home with a multi-day migraine. I still had the migraine when I woke up at 5:30am to take him to the airport, and he was running so late that we didn't even really get to talk, although he did give me a lovely kiss goodbye.

This has been a transition week - I finished Spring Quarter work and am moving on to prepare for the class that I'm teaching this summer (aka starting Monday - its the first class I've ever taught as the "professor"). Jerry's gone now for three weeks. I'm completely finished with all required coursework for my PhD. And I'm working on this book chapter with my research team that will be published with MY name on it. Its also a transition week because I'm at this critical point with my relationship with Jerry (and not because of anything about Jerry).

I knew that when Jerry left town that I would have time to focus on other relationships in my life that have been neglected and would have all of this time for myself. What I didn't realize was how sad and scared I would feel. And a lot of these feelings are more about me and my patterns then they are about Jerry.

I was raised with the notion that women can't do things on their own...because they're incapable, because the world is a dangerous place, and because its just bad to be alone. Augh all of these stupid ideas that logically mean nothing to me. But, here I am now without this man, and I feel it all. I had noticed my sister get this way when she was away from her boyfriend/husband and certainly noticed it with my mom. I always feared that I would lose my independence to a relationship, which is in part why I've always bailed out pretty early on.

I know that part of why I'm feeling this all know is due to how I've let things been over the last half year that I've been dating Jerry. I've not paid proper attention to my local friends or to building friendship relationships in the way that I should. For example, I spent last night with *A* who I haven't hung out much with since I've been dating Jerry. And tonight, I'm hanging out with my neighbors, which I think is only the second time that we've done this since I started dating Jerry. I just so easily put things aside in lieu of spending time with Jerry.

I realize now that even after Jerry comes back, I need to be careful to spend enough time with friends without Jerry. Its really hard - I don't have the kind of friendships here that I wish I had. And I've really been enjoying having this no muss no fuss, no need to make plans too far in advance guy to do things with. All of a sudden, I'm trying to schedule meetings with friends weeks in advance, and I get left with this little pang of fear of being alone.

I was reading last night in this book about the enneagram. I'm likely a six, which means that I'm someone who experiences a lot of fear in particular about trust, in part because of deep trauma. I'm always preparing for the worst case scenario or to get hurt....Now granted, I've become a lot better about these things over time, but I still see how these are somewhat my issues.

The Jewbu path at this point is to recognize the fear when it comes and to just sit with it. Instead of trying to cover it up or pretend like it doesn't exist, I need to just acknowledge the fear and why its here, and then let it pass. I feel sad and afraid because Jerry's gone and I've grown too dependent on him. So, I'll just sit with this feeling as well as take little steps to become more independent and connected with other people.