JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Can't They Visit Us From Heaven?

My sister told me today that my niece got really upset the other night. She started crying and talking about my great aunt who died two years ago and my grandmother who died in December. She wanted to know why they couldn't come visit her from heaven. She also was worried that they would get cold and wanted to bring them something to keep warm. I couldn't help but cry a little when I heard this, and even more now that I think about it. I ordered my sister two books:
"Saying Goodbye to Grandma" and "Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child." I at all like to know that my niece is suffering, but it makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one missing Tante and Grandma.

Yesterday, I had lunch with ex-girlfriend, who was super supportive. I then met her and another friend in the evening to sit at a coffee shop and study. I was feeling relatively good. And they pushed me to come out to a little gathering at another grad student's place. I also made plans for tonight to get a drink with a grad student who just broke up with his boyfriend and commiserate about how hard break-ups are.

I had told Jerry that I want some time (like just a week or two) to not see him so that I can deal with my feelings about him and the breakup. He wanted me to go to a wedding with him tonight, but I told him that unless he REALLY needed me to go, that I'd rather take my space. A wedding is really a date.

Today, I contacted the friend from last night to meet again at a coffee shop (my ex is in LA). She told me that she heard that the guy I was supposed to get a drink with tonight is going to LA to some bar with a couple of guy friends. He never even called me to blow me off last minute, although when I got home, there was a weird message on my machine saying that I got a text message on my land line. Apparently that was my blow off.

Anyway, I was feeling a little low to say the least. I went to the grocery store, and I don't know if it was the music or seeing the couples and families, but I felt really alone. Last week, my therapist tried to talk me into focusing on feeling okay with being alone. I think that I really need to work on my ability to create lots of healthy connections with others, a full life. That's what the therapist in Kansas City pushed for me to do. Its kind of annoying to have this contradictory advice. But, I'm grateful that I'm have a sense about what I need. I think that I am generally doing better. I also see that things will get better in the future. I still kinda wish that I was with Jerry tonight. I now that I'd have a better time if I were with him tonight. I also know that he'll become verbally abusive again if I stay with him.

Augh! Can you tell that I'm stalling from ending this post? I don't want to have to face the rest of the night on my own. Its a bit ridiculous considering that I'm going out with a lot of friends tomorrow night; I have a book to read; I have some watercolor painting to do and thank you notes to write. Oh, and I have two movies I could watch.

I already have a date on Wednesday night by the way. And he's Jewish. Someone that I met online. And there's this amazing Buddhist guy that I'll probably meet also. I really want to have a partner. And really good friends. Tonight, I dedicate to myself to really work on these things. {Breathe}

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there,
I hope you made a cup of tea, curled up in a cozy chair, and lost yourself in a book for at least 20 minutes. You can't speed up your healing process, but it is up to you to acknowledge and give yourself the time that you really need before you just push through business as usual. As you know, there are so many things going on without adding things like dating onto your plate right now. But I respect your choice that if that's what you need to do right now, I hope it all goes smashingly in your favor.

Love, S.
PS: Your post made me a little teary eyed to, about your loved ones being cold in heaven. wow, children are so emotionally aware. it's good you ordered those books hopefully your sis will get something out of them as a tool to respond to her child.

Monday, August 20, 2007 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

I'm not sure you've gotten contradictory advice. The times we're most likely to connect with others in a healthy way is when we like ourselves and are okay with being alone. In other words, when we like being with other people but don't NEED to be. That's why finding ways to be happy alone helps. That's also why focusing on just being with friends and strengthening that network before dating again works. We have a support system and not all our emotional needs fall on the person we are dating. We have feedback that helps us know whether what the person we are saying is valid or not.

Let me be clear that what I mean is it's much harder for someone to bully us if we like ourselves and have friends who like and value us. If we are used to being treated with kindness and respect and we treat ourselves with kindness and respect then we are unlikely to tolerate being treated with less than kindness and respect by anyone else.

Does that make sense?

Monday, August 20, 2007 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks S. I ended up bringing out my watercolors. I think that I want to date to prove to myself that there are people out there to date other than Jerry. I don't expect to jump into a long term relationship, but I do hope to meet some interesting new people and check out some new places in town.

I'm so glad to hear about your response to my niece. I've had no one that I can actually tell here, and its weird for me to not have someone to share these important stories with.

Monday, August 20, 2007 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

April, I think you were writing your comment as I just wrote this one. You've explained yourself really well, and I really think that I understand. I see the destination, although I think I'm still a little confused about the path.

Like, right now I know that I don't have the friendships with people that I'd like to have. Part of that is because I haven't put enough emphasis on it, but part of it is that a lot of my "friends" right now are not people that I really WANT to connect with on a deeper level. Some are....but I think that I need to get out and meet some new people also. I think it'll be easier to do this when the school year starts next month and there are new grad students coming in. SO, what do I do in the meantime? Not having enough of a support system makes me NEED the relationships that I have TOO much. So, I figure that if I can casually date, that will help balance my need to be socializing. So, I can focus on the friendships that I want to make stronger, but not be so desperate about it. But, maybe I'm wrong?

Monday, August 20, 2007 10:37:00 AM  

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