Can't They Visit Us From Heaven?

My sister told me today that my niece got really upset the other night. She started crying and talking about my great aunt who died two years ago and my grandmother who died in December. She wanted to know why they couldn't come visit her from heaven. She also was worried that they would get cold and wanted to bring them something to keep warm. I couldn't help but cry a little when I heard this, and even more now that I think about it. I ordered my sister two books:
"Saying Goodbye to Grandma" and "Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child." I at all like to know that my niece is suffering, but it makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one missing Tante and Grandma.

Yesterday, I had lunch with ex-girlfriend, who was super supportive. I then met her and another friend in the evening to sit at a coffee shop and study. I was feeling relatively good. And they pushed me to come out to a little gathering at another grad student's place. I also made plans for tonight to get a drink with a grad student who just broke up with his boyfriend and commiserate about how hard break-ups are.

I had told Jerry that I want some time (like just a week or two) to not see him so that I can deal with my feelings about him and the breakup. He wanted me to go to a wedding with him tonight, but I told him that unless he REALLY needed me to go, that I'd rather take my space. A wedding is really a date.

Today, I contacted the friend from last night to meet again at a coffee shop (my ex is in LA). She told me that she heard that the guy I was supposed to get a drink with tonight is going to LA to some bar with a couple of guy friends. He never even called me to blow me off last minute, although when I got home, there was a weird message on my machine saying that I got a text message on my land line. Apparently that was my blow off.

Anyway, I was feeling a little low to say the least. I went to the grocery store, and I don't know if it was the music or seeing the couples and families, but I felt really alone. Last week, my therapist tried to talk me into focusing on feeling okay with being alone. I think that I really need to work on my ability to create lots of healthy connections with others, a full life. That's what the therapist in Kansas City pushed for me to do. Its kind of annoying to have this contradictory advice. But, I'm grateful that I'm have a sense about what I need. I think that I am generally doing better. I also see that things will get better in the future. I still kinda wish that I was with Jerry tonight. I now that I'd have a better time if I were with him tonight. I also know that he'll become verbally abusive again if I stay with him.

Augh! Can you tell that I'm stalling from ending this post? I don't want to have to face the rest of the night on my own. Its a bit ridiculous considering that I'm going out with a lot of friends tomorrow night; I have a book to read; I have some watercolor painting to do and thank you notes to write. Oh, and I have two movies I could watch.

I already have a date on Wednesday night by the way. And he's Jewish. Someone that I met online. And there's this amazing Buddhist guy that I'll probably meet also. I really want to have a partner. And really good friends. Tonight, I dedicate to myself to really work on these things. {Breathe}