Jerry's Next Email

"In the last week, you called me selfish"; -you *were* being selfish.

"told me that I act like a child", -I told you that you *were acting* like a child, and you were.

"that our problems are entirely my fault", -I have never said this nor believed this. but I do feel like you think our problems are entirely my fault.

"and that my feelings are not valid"; -also never said this, nor believe this. In fact, I have tried to support you in your feelings. I told you last night that if you feel I am being verbally abusive, it really does not matter what the facts are. What you feel is important. But I am doubtful that I can change my behavior enough to make you happy.

"gotten angry with me for walking too slow", -actually it was you that got angry with me for walking too fast. I was not angry with you at all that evening until you started giving me the silent treatment over dinner (which by the way is classic verbal abuse behavior as I am sure you are aware)

"for speaking up when I get angry AND for remaining silent at other times". - I don't mean to twist your words around, but it sounds like you are saying it is ok for you to get angry and either speak up or remain silent, but not for me?

"I'm sorry if I misunderstood you at times; I do admit to being sensitive to verbal abuse." -when you call a hotline and tell them you are being verbally abused, and their advice is for you to go to a shelter immediately. I gather that you think it was bad advice, but having read up on verbal abuse I think it is excellent advice.

As you have probably seen, my father is definitely verbally abusive to my mother and this has obviously not been a good role model for me. So I am well aware of what it looks like and open to the possibility that I have it in my character. What about you? You have also reported that your father is verbally abusive, and I think you have said that you take after him in some (other) ways. I felt like you expected me to get everything ready for dinner the other day. You even seemed surprised that you would have to pick up your own steak to bbq. Am I correct about that? Isn't this kind of implied expectation the same as being ordered around? It is certainly the way I felt.

The link you sent I beleive was written by the author of the book I read this morning. In the link you said is the following passage:

If there isn’t a feeling of goodwill and understanding between two people in their relationship, if one is hurting and feeling constantly put down by actual comments, for instance, “You can’t do anything right,” You aren’t listening,” or is frequently yelled at, then that person is probably in a verbally abusive relationship.

I have sometimes felt that I can't do things the way you want them, and though you don't yell at me you have frrquently accused me of not listening.

Dismiss this if you like, but I really feel like I have perfectly valid grounds for my feelings as well. And you have dismissed them pretty quickly in the past by the way. As I scientist I would suggest we could look to some objective third party viewpoint. Would any of my previous girlfriends call me verbally abusive? Of course they might not recognize it, so we could ask them if they noticed any of the classic behaviors? What about your previous relationships?

In the end, as I have often said, and will say again, it really doesn't matter what facts you or I can or cannot dig up. If you feel verbally abused then it is a problem. You are entitled to your feelings and I to mine.

Jerry