JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

What a Difference a Day Makes: Karmic Healing

Things are improving. Yesterday, I went to a meditation and restorative yoga healing workshop. It was such a wonderful break-up ritual. I made my intention for the workshop to heal from the break-up and meditated on relaxing, letting go of my pain and anger, and sending healing to Jerry. Then, I went home, walked my dog, grabbed some dinner and headed out to a spoken word performance by this very powerful woman. I met some friends there, and we all went out to a coffee shop afterwards.

I still slept like hell last night. It was a struggle to fall asleep, and then I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I finally got up at 6am (even though my alarm was set for 7:15). I went to get a lesson in zazen meditation and sit with his group. I had found out about the group last year, but never got around to going. I'm not sure if I'll want to go back...they do this whole chanting and bowing ritual that as a Jew, I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with. And they couldn't give me any explanation as to why it is a part of their practice other than that's how the leader was taught....he suggested maybe I try a vipassana group, which follows more Tibetan followings and doesn't have the ritual stuff afterwards. I'm tempted. But, I know that its led in town by my old therapist.

Anyway, after that, I bought myself some breakfast at this place that I'd frequent with Jerry, but I went on my own and it was fine. I brought a book. I was so seriously tempted to call Jerry though the whole time. I kept thinking about wanting to negotiate with him to have a friendship with me - something...just to hear his voice and maybe see him. I was feeling desperate. My sister called me though to let me talk to my niece, which was really nice, even though she only wanted to talk with me to ask me to buy her clothes for her American Girls doll.

Then, I went and had a facial. I made an appointment yesterday on the phone with my acupuncturist, who I'll go see on Tuesday. See recommended that I go get a facial. (The acupuncturist is amazing and will help with the physical symptoms that I'm getting from the breakup - the upset stomach and insomnia PLUS she does this work where she'll have me hold on to a picture of Jerry and will help reset my body from feeling so much trauma when I think about him.) Anyway, the facial was maybe the best I've ever had - so relaxing. I laid down thinking about wanting to call Jerry and slowly my body let go of the tension and these thoughts.

She asked me if I want to have my eye brows shaped. I never would have done this before because it seems vain and a waste of money and anti-feminist. But, I figured that maybe it was fate - that I need some changes, so I said yes. It looks so good! And she put make-up on me. I thanked her for making me feel so good and told her that I had just broken up with my boyfriend. She told me that I'm beautiful and my whole life is ahead of me and not to worry about it. She talked to me about deep breathing and held my feet as I practiced, saying she was giving me chi. Anyway, it was very healing.

Outside, a man approached me and asked me for money, saying that he will go to this shelter where I volunteered last week, but that they won't have space for his family until Monday and he can't afford the hotel room. I gave him a $20 and felt good for being able to pass on this good feeling that I have and do a mitzvah.

As I got into my car, this old Jewish looking man with an odd European accent approached me and asked me to roll down my window. We had this great conversation, although at the end he started kvetching about his ex-wife. It made me think about how much Jerry and I would never work out together in the long run and how good it is that I'm leaving him now instead of later.

Right now, I feel really good. I have lots of things to fill my day today - shopping, cleaning up the house a bit, maybe having dinner with my neighbor or maybe I'll call *A* and meet him and his girlfriend, maybe going with friends to a club tonight. Tuesday, I'm having dinner with a friend and acupuncture earlier in the day. Thursday night, I'm going with *A* and his girlfriend to this spiel at the art museum. So, I've definitely gotten through the worst of it (I hope, tfu tfu). And I've got a good step at plans for this week.

The way that I got through this so far was by putting a lot of attention on taking care of myself, reaching out to a lot of people in little ways, and letting myself have permission to need some focused time just to cope.

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Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow--you get major kudos for self-care. keep up the good work!

Monday, August 13, 2007 1:46:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks...I'll do my best.

Monday, August 13, 2007 3:43:00 PM  

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