JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Bit of a Rollercoaster

Up
So three days ago, I emailed Jerry and asked if we could give each other back our stuff. I felt weird with him having the key to my house AND this very important book of my neighbors. So, he practically jumped at the chance to see me, although I put it off a day because I had plans to have dinner with a friend. In his emails, he hinted about getting back together.

I didn't know what to expect - would he want to get back together or would he become verbally abusive towards me or maybe even both. But, it was wonderful. We got to talk through (calmly and openly) what happened that made us break up. It was like a relationship autopsy that I had been reading about in Sark's Transformation Soup. He acknowledged a lot of the stuff that I had been struggling to get him to see for weeks. He admitted that he needed to work on himself. He even said that he just misunderstood what I had been asking for - and said that he probably would have agreed to 10 weeks of therapy; he just thought that I was asking him to go for two years. I don't know where he got that I was asking for 2 years.

We found many reasons why it didn't work between us - that we want different things from a relationship (he wants someone to challenge him and I want someone to be emotionally supportive), our religious differences, etc. And we kind of honored those.

Don't get me wrong; it was a very difficult process. I could barely look at him to hold back the tears. I told him, and when he asked why, I explained that even though I am proud of the decision that I made to break up, it is still hard.

He asked if we could have make up sex, and I said no, but that we could have break up sex. So we did. And it felt incredible. Free. Passionate. We knew it would probably be the last time, and so put all of our energy and passion about each other into it. When it was over, we would have normally snuggled for awhile. I immediately got out of bed, and I told him that he couldn't spend the night. I left the room and started to cry a bit. I felt so close to him, but I knew that I had to let him go.

We chatted some more downstairs, until finally I encouraged him to leave after 11pm. He told me that we'll still be friends and to call if I need him like to fix a toilet or something. When he left, I went right to bed, did the Stresseraser a bit and had the best night's sleep in a week.

Down
So, I had been hoping to take some sort of vacation and am desperate to get out of town. Yesterday, I met with my advisor, and she sort of squashed that though because apparently I don't have the time. We never directly talked about vacation, but I'm clearly behind from our conversation.

Then, I went to therapy where my therapist told me that she didn't think dating right away is a good idea - squashing this coping mechanism I've been using of going onto an online dating website. Seeing that there are options out there has made me feel really better about the whole situation with Jerry.....but she said that I should focus on getting at the core of the issues with Jerry before moving on. I may have convinced her that I am ready to casually date, but it just made me feel not so secure about my process of healing.

I have had plans with A and his girlfriend to go to this event at the museum. They show up late, and since the event is sold out, people keep coming up to me and asking if they can buy my tickets. I really have to go use the bathroom, but I can't go in without them because I have their ticket. So, eventually, I see them casually walking down the street and stopping to window shop. I'm pretty annoyed because I'm feeling very awkward and uncomfortable outside by myself in the midst of the whole scene.

Neither of them talk to me much, although at one point I hear them talking about me. [Did you pay her back for the ticket? No, I'm just seeing her right now. I'll get her a drink.] Then, the girlfriend and I make our way to the bathroom, and she asks me "so what did you do this week?" It feels awkward, and I'm annoyed that she doesn't acknowledge that I'm going through a break-up. I don't want to have to scream about it, so I just say "not much."

That's all she really says to me that evening. She mostly just talks to A, making me feel like a third wheel. There are couples taking pictures in one room, and she is very excited to get a nice picture with A. I say that I'll go check the rest of the place out. Almost everyone is there with friends or in a couple, and as I walk around and check out the art work, no one talks to me, although many people give me the once over. I feel very uncomfortable, until I reach a room with live jazz music and this gorgeous Monet. Finally, I think that it has been awhile and feel in the way looking at this one painting as people are trying to make their way past.

So, I go back to A and his girlfriend. They've only made their way halfway up the line by this point. I try to make conversation by asking what they're doing this weekend. A tells me that his parents are coming into town and that they've got plans with them. I'm kinda hurt by this because if my dad came to town, he would want to take A out to dinner, even if I was seeing someone else because we've been friends forever. And, A used to point out that I'm like a member of his family and encourage me to go down (I think to let them think I was his girlfriend). Anyway, I have no plans this weekend, so I'm a little hurt.

I offer to get them more drinks (don't want to be in this loud line of couples). She doesn't want one, but A wants a beer. I go to wait in line for it and run into a friend of his. She gets me a wine instead of him a beer, and its fun for a few minutes to be actually interacting with someone at the event. She tells me that she had brunch with A and his girlfriend, and I can't help it, but I'm wondering why it is that I've been feeling so lonely in town and my best friend doesn't invite me out at all.

Anyway, we go back to find A, and they're in the front of the line. A's friend and her (albeit it gay) date want to get a picture too. I stand on the sidelines while they all do this, feeling very out of place. As A and his girlfriend get their picture taken, everyone around me starts talking bout how great her breasts are. I'm thinking about how I'd rather be here with Jerry. So, when A is done getting pictures, I tell him that he should take my wine because I really can't drink two glasses and am already feeling it (there's also like no appetizers like there normally are so I'm on an empty stomach). He seems annoyed that I didn't get him his beer and says he doesn't want it. I tell him maybe his girlfriend will want it and that I'm just not feeling being there.

I walk away and feel tears well up inside. No one seems to notice me leave. I look at this crowd of people that I have to get through; no one looks familiar or even friendly. When I get to my car, I am really crying. I miss Jerry.

I get home and sit and cry for a bit. The phone rings. And its Jerry. He wants to stop by to check his blood sugar on my machine because he's been worried that maybe he has diabetes....anyway, I tell him to come over. I'm so excited! This is exactly what I want.

He shows up, and I'm overly excited to see him and friendly. I wonder now if he could've seen that I had been crying. Anyway, he says that he can't stay long because he has to go get dinner (which I already scarfed down as soon as I got home). But I offer to make him a sandwich because I don't want to leave. And we open a bottle of beer even though I don't want to be drinking anymore because I want him to stay. When his blood sugar is fine, I tell him that he should spend the night so he can check it again first thing in the morning. I was making such a schmuck of myself. He said that we should take it slow, and eventually left. He did say though that if I asked him to stay that he would. I kissed him as he left.

Then, I pigged out a bit eating more and cried. I couldn't fall asleep and woke up SUPER early and just feel like crap today. My plans for tonight were canceled because my friend is sick meaning that I have NO plans for this weekend at all. I'm tempted to skip town, but I have no where to go and a lot of work to do.

I think that I need to email Jerry and tell him that I can't see him until I work through some more of this. I could go with him Saturday to this wedding we were supposed to go to though and then not be alone all weekend. A hasn't at all bothered to check up on if I'm alright or not, and I really feel like he doesn't care so much about me. I mean that was the first time that he's seen me since the break up, and there was like no acknowledgment that maybe I'm going through a rough time and could use a friend. The sky is filled with ash so I can't even go out for a simple bike ride. In fact, my eyes are burning a bit just sitting inside with all of the windows closed.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you,
I'm so sorry last nite at the museum wasn't what it cracked up to be. I swear I need to invent a time machine to warp myself over there!! I know I'm not there in the flesh but I hope you remember that I'm still your friend. And that I care. I was wondering if you had a home project you've always wanted to do, like make a photo album or decorate a mirror frame (nothing terribly taxing) that you could do as some stress relief, something to take your mind off of things? Maybe try to cook something you've never tried before for the hell of it? I also think you are in need of a good book!! I've been reading Khaled Housseini recently (The Kite Runner and a Thousand Splendid Suns), it's deep but man it'll suck you in! Or maybe something a little lighter, have you ever read anything by Wally Lamb? The man truly understands women, my fav is I know This Much is True, a book that spoke to my battled heart. Also a book that inspired me about love, true love was The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, I laughed, cried, wrote the start of some love poems - you name it. Anyways, I know you already have plenty to read for your research.

I'll call to check in on you, as I do want to hear about what's going on with you :) You hang in there, you've been through a lot and it takes time to get over something that took 8 mos. to develop. In time, your heart will heal.

Love, S

Friday, August 17, 2007 9:01:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks S. I did pick up "Good Grief" this novel that I should be reading more of. I should consider going to a coffee shop and reading if I end up with nothing to do tonight. I also pulled out these watercolor cards to do a little painting, which I should actually do. I really appreciate your friendship.

Friday, August 17, 2007 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Looks like you're doing some really rough, grown-up work! I can understand the roller coaster feeling. Woosh! Well, remember to keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times. You don't want to lose a hand...or yourself in the process. Kudos and take gentle care.

Saturday, August 18, 2007 5:21:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Marj. Sometimes it does feel like I could lose myself in this process....

Saturday, August 18, 2007 7:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

t sounds like a tough situation this one with Jerry, given that you are talking things through and in turn feeling more of the connection. Often these things just have to play themselves out, with you staying as much open that will serve you to grow and be nourished by the connection—and close enough to your needs to know when they are not getting met. You don’t know that he won’t get abusive again and you can’t predict his behavior, the only thing you can do is to see whether or if he’ll come into relationship with that part of himself that strikes out and externalizes his own pain and lack of sense of self/esteem.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 9:52:00 AM  

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