My Response to Jerry
Hey Jerry,
I don't know why I keep arguing with you about this stuff. I guess a part of me still hopes that I can just say the right thing and then everything will magically be okay. I know that's not true though.
It is different what you are saying here that I "were being/acting" instead of that I am....At the brew pub, you said that we weren't having a good time because of me. I responded that it takes two to tango and you said no.
I wonder if you accuse me of being verbally abusive as a response to my accusation of you? Or is that something that you really mean? All of your examples are of my responses to your abuse. I have mentioned in this in the past, that there is never a good response that I could give when you get abusive - if I say something, you attack me verbally
if I don't say something, you get angry with me and say that the anger comes out anyway
if I leave, you call me flaky and get angry.
MAYBE you recognize that we had gotten into an unhealthy dynamic and are putting all of the blame on me?
"You even seemed surprised that you would have to pick up your own steak to bbq. Am I correct about that?" No, I didn't expect you to pick up my steak.
I'm not quite sure what you're theory is about why I think that some of your behavior can be verbally abusive. I don't know if your ex-girlfriends not stating to you that they think you have verbally abusive tendencies proves that I'm wrong. If you really want an expert third party opinion, talk to a real expert- someone who is an expert in this area (aka a therapist specializing in these issues).
To some degree, we are both right. Of course, what happened in our relationship was a dynamic created by the both of us. I have clearly have issues that I have to work on. That's why I'm in therapy and study these issues. If we could have come to find a way to work on the issues together, then I think we could move past them. At least that's the theory.
I've done nothing today but cry and futz around. Getting over you will certainly not be easy.
posted by Karma @ 10:13 AM
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2 Comments:
I'm guessing you've read Patricia Evans book on Verbal Abuse. I'd also suggest Controlling People.
I saw your post about not demonizing Jerry. Good for you!!! It's far healthier, I think, to recognize that two people can be fundamentally good people and yet not be good for each other.
I think that in healthy relationships the dialogue is about: How can we make each other happy? Rather than about: Which of us screwed up? It's about: How can we feel safe and loved with each other? Rather than: What's going to get you to stop screwing up?
In a healthy relationship there is a foundation of respect for each other. Genuine respct. Each person wants to listen to the other's opinions on things because it's a partnership.
People who lash out at each other, I think, are trying to keep from getting hurt. And they need to believe they are who they need to believe they are. (My mother could have passed a lie detector test on what a loving wonderful mother she was--and nevermind the times she told me to and how I should kill myself!)
Can you begin to change the dialogue in your own mind? Begin to ask: What would make me happy? How would I love to be treated? What would make me smile in a relationship? What would I want it to look like? What would empower me so that I would feel like I could do anything? What would it make me happy to do for the other person?
Also, maybe make a list: What can I do that makes me happy now that I'm on my own? What can I do that will make me laugh that I couldn't do while I was with Jerry?
Go! Do! Laugh! Have fun! Discover what makes you happy. Discover what you respect about yourself. Discover what you like about yourself. Discover what your true strengths are. Then you'll have a good foundation to bring into whatever relationships you have from now on.
Whoops! I'm going on much too long. Just know that you deserve to be happy and respected and valued.
No, April, that's not too long at all. I fully admit to just sitting here at my computer the last few days waiting for Jerry to email me. I have gotten out a little bit, and I have plans today, but this helps a lot. I'll make the list!
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